ehsnils Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 It's too bad Arnold Schwarzenegger had this little misunderstanding because English isn't his native language. About ten years ago, Arnold told Maria that the housekeeper wanted a raise. Maria said, "Screw her." Any simple-minded semi-literate Austrian could have made the same mistake, right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RyanGT Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 Maria hasn't had sex with a man for years b/c she was afraid to catch all the sexually transmitted dieseases out there. Imagine the shock she got when her doctor told her she caught E.Coli...... from a cucumber! . . I have enough drama for now..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RyanGT Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 Guy at the bar said to this girl: "You remind me of my little toe." The girl said "It that because I am small and cute?" He replied "No, because I'll probably end up banging you on the coffee table!" . . I have enough drama for now..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RyanGT Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 Scientific Breakthrough: Japanese scientists have developed a digital camera with a shutter speed so fast that it can take a photo of a woman with her mouth shut! . . I have enough drama for now..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gire Posted June 24, 2011 Author Share Posted June 24, 2011 My favorite joke to tell when asked to tell a joke: A young woman gets on the bus with her baby in her arms and puts the money in the box when the bus driver looks over and is noticeably startled. "Damn, lady! Sorry, but that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The young woman is understandably quite by this rude statement and proceeds to walk to the back of the bus and sit down. Still quite shaken by his comments she has a very upset flustered look on her face. A nice man is sitting next to her and can't help but notice how upset she is, so he asks her what's wrong... "The bus driver just insulted me as I was getting on the bus!" she exclaimed. "Well, that's outrageous!! He's a public servant and shouldn't be anything less than polite and friendly to his customers!" "You're right, I'm really upset and should go give him a piece of my mind!" "Absolutely! Go up there and give him hell!" He says. "Here, let me hold your monkey while you go talk to him." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Strizzy Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 Three blondes were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks. The first blonde said "Those are deer tracks." The second, "No, those are elk tracks." And the third blonde, "You both are wrong, those are moose tracks." The blondes were still arguing when the train hit them... My bad luck build Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ferenczy33 Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 Some more blonde jokes... What do you call a dead blonde in a closet? 1984 hide and seek world champion. Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice container for two hours? The carton said concentrate. Why did the blonde climb the chain link fence? To see what was on the other side. How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Blondes don't screw in lightbulbs...they screw in back seats of cars. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LegGTLT Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 Gire- I really liked that one. The blondes and tracks is awesome too. Please PM joeleodee For All Site Questions. He is the acting Admin and can resolve anything related to LegacyGT.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RyanGT Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 A guy goes into an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll. The guy behind the counter asks "Male or Female?" First Guy says ''Female.'' Counter guy asks ''Black or White?'' 1st guy replies ''White'.' Counter guy asks "Christian or Muslim?" The 1st guy says 'What the Hell does religion have to do with an inflatable doll?????'' The Counter guy says ''The Muslim one blows itself up!'' . . I have enough drama for now..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RyanGT Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 #1 I visited a bomb making factory today but the people there got very angry when i called it that.........they said they preferred the word ''mosque''. #2 I was feeling depressed last night so I decided to call the hot-line. They put me through to a call center in Afghanistan, and I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck. #3 Strike back at Islam. Run into your local mosque with 20 lbs of pork sausages strapped to your chest!!! . . I have enough drama for now..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LegGTLT Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 Ohhhhhh jesus/moses. Please PM joeleodee For All Site Questions. He is the acting Admin and can resolve anything related to LegacyGT.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ScoopMan Posted June 28, 2011 Share Posted June 28, 2011 Those were so good I almost Shiite my pants Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NSFW Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 An optimist and a pessimist are standing on a street corner. The optimist says to the pessimist, "it's been shown that people with a positive outlook on life tend to live longer." The pessimist responds, "cheery bastards, it serves 'em right." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NSFW Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender "Got any gwapes?" The bartender replies, "No, this is a bar, we do not serve grapes." The duck leaves and comes back an hour later and asks the bartender "Got any gwapes?" The bartender replies, "I told you before I don't have any grapes now leave!" The duck leaves and returns in another hour and asks the bartender "Got any gwapes?" The bartender now very angry replies, "No I don't have any grapes and if you ask for grapes one more time I am going to staple you feet to the floor! Now LEAVE!" The duck leaves and comes back the next day. He asks the bartender "Got any staples?" The bartender replies, "No." So the duck asks, "Got any gwapes?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TRSCobra Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 ^^^Kind of reminds me of a video I saw once... [ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtN1YnoL46Q]YouTube - The Duck Song[/ame] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_sharp Posted July 1, 2011 Share Posted July 1, 2011 A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to the nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had breasts bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are, the dumber the person is." The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger penises than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are, the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with his answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets." lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Strizzy Posted July 1, 2011 Share Posted July 1, 2011 A girlfriend and boyfriend walked into the girlfriends house and the girlfriend said to her mom, "Mom, me and my boyfriend are going up to my room" and the mom says, "Ok honey, you kids have fun." When they are up their the mom hears: "Baby baby baby oh!" The mom walks to the door and ask, "What the hell is going on?" The girl says, "Mom were just having sex." and the mom says, "Oh thank god I thought you guys were listening to Justin Bieber." My bad luck build Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ehsnils Posted July 1, 2011 Share Posted July 1, 2011 FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Francisco that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the group of agents got quite hungry. The FBI was taping all conversations at the hospital, this is what was recorded when the agent in charge called a nearby pizza delivery service to order. Agent: Hello. I would like to order 20 large pizzas and 70 cans of coke. Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered? Agent: To the psychiatric hospital please. Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital? Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent. Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent? Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is. Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital? Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas. Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents? Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here? Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent? Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving. Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this? Agent: I have my checkbook right here. Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents? Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and cokes to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked. Pizza Man: I don't think so. Click. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ehsnils Posted July 1, 2011 Share Posted July 1, 2011 Here's one for KRB: Scene: A courtroom where a witness is testifying in a case involving a man biting off the ear of another man during a fight. After supplying testimony which was very bad for the defendant, the witness was being cross examined by the defendant's attorney. Attorney: You said that you saw the defendant and the claimant in a fight? Witness: Yes. Attorney: You then said that you were concerned for your safety and that, because of it, you went to hide behind the bushes ? Witness: Yes. Attorney: You further stated that during this time in hiding, you turned your back to the scene? Witness: Yes. Attorney: And THEN you testified that that was when the defendant bit off the claimant's ear??!! Witness: Yes. Attorney: Okay so if your back was turned to the fight then you obviously MUST have had the claimant and the defendant out of your field of vision, correct? Witness: Yes, correct. Attorney: Well then, did you SEE the defendant bite off the claimant's ear? Witness: No. Attorney: (Smugly) THEN HOW DO YOU "KNOW" THAT THE DEFENDANT BIT OFF THE EAR OF THE CLAIMANT IF YOU DID NOT SEE HIM DO IT??!! Witness: I saw him spit it out. (Dead Silence) Attorney: No more questions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KartRacerBoy Posted July 1, 2011 Share Posted July 1, 2011 One question too many. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scooby Fan Posted July 1, 2011 Share Posted July 1, 2011 I was in court on an assault case...as the investigator. Part of the evidence was a picture of the victim showing all his injuries. The defense lawyer showed the victim the picture and asked............... "Were you present when this picture of you was taken??????" Definitely one too many questions Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RyanGT Posted July 8, 2011 Share Posted July 8, 2011 A wife asked her husband to describe her. He said "A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K". She asked "What does that mean?" He said "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot." She said, "Oh that's lovely! What about I, J, K?" He said, "I'm Just Kidding!" . . I have enough drama for now..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scooby Fan Posted July 8, 2011 Share Posted July 8, 2011 "Ole Blue" A young cowboy from Southern Alberta goes off to University. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money .... he calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here at the University that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!" "That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?" "Just send him here with $1,000" the young cowboy says "and I'll get him in the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. "So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his father asks. "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!" "Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the National Post, like he usually does". "Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?" The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!" "I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!" The kid went on to law school, and is now a Liberal MP seeking re-election. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DocHolladay23 Posted July 8, 2011 Share Posted July 8, 2011 nice [sIGPIC][/sIGPIC] You want stickers? Hit me up here!!! You want a shirt? Hit me up here!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LegGTLT Posted July 8, 2011 Share Posted July 8, 2011 Awesome! Please PM joeleodee For All Site Questions. He is the acting Admin and can resolve anything related to LegacyGT.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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