Friday Funny jokes- GO!

[wpmarky]

lol

[BENCOB]

Questions from the fruit bowl:

 

What did the banana and orange say to the apple?

You're blushing again, you're cheeks are bright red!

 

What did the orange and apple say to the banana?

Be careful you're peeling!

 

What did the apple and banana say to the orange?

My you're thick skinned!

[ScoopMan]

[coxx]

FUNNY jokes, not ones that make no sense or that a 4 year old would tell :lol:

[ehsnils]

Full body scan controversy . . . .

 

 

Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports.

Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate

any explosive device you may have on you.

 

It would be a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of this junk about

racial profiling and this method would eliminate a long and expensive trial.

Justice would be quick and swift. Case Closed!

 

This is so simple that it's brilliant. I can see it now: you're in the airport terminal

and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes

over the PA system, "Attention standby passengers we now have a seat

available on flight number..."

[06gtleg]

Heard that on our local radio. hahaha

[mejum]

what's brown and sticky?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

a stick

[KartRacerBoy]

I must be drunk. Again.

[Gire]

I'm lovin' it too, half way in to a mickey of Smirnoff.

[Gire]

I remembered this joke last night, thought it was appropriate to add:

(An oldie but a goodie)

 

 

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.The manager points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian, "You're in charge of sweeping". To the Irishman, "You're in charge of shoveling" To the Chinese guy, "And you're in charge of supplies". "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that pile."

So the manager goes away for a couple of hours. And when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?

The Italian guy replies, "I didn't have a broom. You said the Chinese guy was in charge of the supplies, but he disappeared and I couldn't find him"

So then the manager turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.

The Irishman replies, "I couldn't get myself a shovel. You left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies and I couldn't find him."

The manager is really pissed now, and storms off toward the pile of Sand looking for the Chinese guy.

Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells, "SUPPLIES!"

[DeltaSniper]

Before marriage....

 

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

She: Do you want me to leave?

He: No! Don't even think about it.

She: Do you love me?

He: Of course! Over and over!

She: Have you ever cheated on me?

He: No! Why are you even asking?

She: Will you kiss me?

He: Every chance I get.

She: Will you hit me?

He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!

She: Can I trust you?

He: Yes.

She: Darling!

 

After marriage....

Simply read from bottom to top.

 

 

 

 

Praying Child.............

 

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."

 

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

 

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

 

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

 

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

 

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

Edited April 10, 2010 by DeltaSniper

[dr_sharp]

Before marriage....

 

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

She: Do you want me to leave?

He: No! Don't even think about it.

She: Do you love me?

He: Of course! Over and over!

She: Have you ever cheated on me?

He: No! Why are you even asking?

She: Will you kiss me?

He: Every chance I get.

She: Will you hit me?

He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!

She: Can I trust you?

He: Yes.

She: Darling!

 

After marriage....

Simply read from bottom to top.

 

 

 

 

Praying Child.............

 

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."

 

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

 

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

 

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

 

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

 

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

:lol: Those are good!

[Hondasucks]

What has four wheels and flies?

A garbage truck.

 

****

 

What do you call a cow with 2 legs?

Lean beef.

 

****

 

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

 

****

 

What do you call a masturbating cow?

Beef stroganoff.

 

****

 

Mexican words of the day:

 

WOODEN CHAIR:

 

"My primo came over with a cooler full of beer, but he WOODEN CHAIR"

 

BEECHWOOD:

 

"My cousin came to stay with us, with her 4 kids. I wish that BEECHWOOD leave"

 

I know more but my brain isn't functioning at the moment. Time for me to crash I think!

[ehsnils]

Overheard on the radio the other day:

 

A dude did get a problem with something stuck in his toilet bowl. OK, so why not use the toilet brush? Said and done - he managed to open it up - and did break off the brush at the same time. But the brush got stuck instead where he couldn't reach it. However he did manage to flush it away. No news of if that brush did end up somewhere unexpected.

[wpmarky]

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a

very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually

looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

 

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was

just testing it."

 

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special

about it?"

 

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

 

"What's it telling you now?" she asked.

 

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." he said.

 

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I

am wearing panties!"

 

The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

[Shertz]

let's get a head start.

 

MAn walks into a doctor for an issue and gets prescribed suppositories.

Man comes back a week later and says "doc these damn pills aren't doing a thing."

Doctor says "are you sure you're taking them right?"

The man replies "of course i'm sure... what am i SUPPOSED to do SHOVE THEM UP MY ASS?"

[ehsnils]

Granny sees little Jimmy walking carrying a large box.

 

- Jimmy what's in the box?

- Rabbits.

- What are they doing?

- Rabbits.

[Gire]

The Parrot

 

 

 

 

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little?"Sue asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said,

"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house

of prostitution,and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

Sue thought about this,but decided she had to have the bird

anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her

living room and waited for it to say something.The bird looked

around the room,then at her, and said,

"New house,new Madam."

Sue was a bit shocked at the implication,but then thought

"that's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school,the

bird saw them and said, "New house, new Madam, new Girls."

 

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began

to laugh about the situation considering how and where the

parrot had been raised.

Moments later, Sue's husband, Bosco, came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said...

 

 

"Hi Bosco."

 

[KartRacerBoy]

[LegGTLT]

:lol:

 

Bosco got some explaining to do!!!!

[dudeondacouch]

Overheard on the radio the other day:

 

A dude did get a problem with something stuck in his toilet bowl. OK, so why not use the toilet brush? Said and done - he managed to open it up - and did break off the brush at the same time. But the brush got stuck instead where he couldn't reach it. However he did manage to flush it away. No news of if that brush did end up somewhere unexpected.

 

 

what the hell are you talking about?

 

is it just me, or does this make no sense at all?

[Gire]

Lost in translation, I'm guessing.

 

 

 

 

 

I do prefer to keep this thread full of funny shit though.

 

Any joke that a member here might question in his head as 'really funny' before typing it out best just keep it to himself.

[Strabismo]

Might be borderline inappropriate but absolutely hilarious:

 

 

A CNN news reporter wanted to interview Afghani civilians to see the progress of the coalition forces.

 

He found a goat farmer who spoke English.

 

He asked: "As a citizen of Afghanistan, what is the best day you ever had?"

 

The farmer answered: "Well, one day, one of my goats escaped in the mountains. So all the men from the village went out to look for the goat. We searched all day but couldn't find anything. But in the evening, we finally found the goat. We were so happy that we all celebrated by f*cking the goat in the ass one after the other".

 

The CNN reporter was shocked by this extremely weird story and knew that he couldn't report this story on CNN for obvious reasons. So he asked:

"Can you describe the second best day that you had as a citizen of Afghanistan?"

 

The goat farmer answered:

"Well, one day, one of my neighbour's cow escaped in the mountains. So all the men from the village went out to look for the cow. We searched all day but couldn't find anything. But in the evening, we finally found the cow. We were so happy that we all celebrated by f*cking the cow in the ass one after the other".

 

This was obviously not the kind of story the reporter wanted to cover. So he decided to change his strategy. A story about the horrors of the war will be just as interesting. So he asked:

"How was your worst day as a citizen of Afghanistan?"

 

The goat farmer answered:

"Well, there was that one day where I got lost in the mountains..."

[Gire]

Thread saved.

[Drift Motion]

hope im not too late...haha

 

but here it goes

 

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"