NSFW Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "do you want to have Sex?" "No," she answered. "Is that your final answer?" "Yes." "I'd like to phone a friend." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KartRacerBoy Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ehsnils Posted July 15, 2011 Share Posted July 15, 2011 Translations of California Euphemisms: http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-JRgPppRbrsk/ThuH4fH8BzI/AAAAAAAAFAU/wVkIM51zxYk/s640/no+1.png http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-n6QM2b0bLco/ThuH5SsawwI/AAAAAAAAFAY/GF8MDjatd7s/s640/no+2.png http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-3AjR6wUoNYQ/ThuH6DY_M_I/AAAAAAAAFAc/OW6UU4m3n0s/s640/no+3.png Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RyanGT Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!" . . I have enough drama for now..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RyanGT Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison. And then they made love for the first time. Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped." Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him." After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!" The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted. She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again." Turning his head, he YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY! . . I have enough drama for now..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RyanGT Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no." The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. "or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?" . . I have enough drama for now..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tracer-X Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 Readers Digest huh? Jump on it, Let's do it, Ride it, My Pony... EL4NFZT7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ehsnils Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 Turning his head, he YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY! I thought marriage was supposed to be a life sentence. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NSFW Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 A young man was driving just over 100 mph when a policeman stopped him. The officer asked him "Excuse me, but where's the fire?" "I'm in a hurry, can we make this quick? I've got crack, heroin, a dozen kalashnikovs and a customer that really hates to wait." The policeman ordered backup quickly. After two more squad cars arrived, the vehicle was searched and they found neither drugs nor firearms. The commander was furious at the officer for such a false alarm, went to the driver and apologized for the incident. The man replied, "what other bullshit did he tell you? Was I swerving all over the road? Driving 100 miles per hour?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_sharp Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 Hahaha... gonna have to try that one. lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RyanGT Posted July 22, 2011 Share Posted July 22, 2011 The Police came to Paddy's house and told him that his dog had just chased someone on a bike. Paddy said "F**k off, my dog hasn't got a bike!" . . I have enough drama for now..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RyanGT Posted July 22, 2011 Share Posted July 22, 2011 Paddy and Murphy were doing a crossword puzzle. Paddy said "How do you spell paint?" Murphy said "What colour?" . . I have enough drama for now..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RyanGT Posted July 22, 2011 Share Posted July 22, 2011 Paddy says to Murphy, "How do you spell Orange?" After thinking for a while, Murphy says "Do you mean the colour or the fruit?" . . I have enough drama for now..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RyanGT Posted July 22, 2011 Share Posted July 22, 2011 When asked if he preferred legs or breasts, Paddy said that he had a fondness for shaved fannies. He was then informed that this was not an option at KFC! . . I have enough drama for now..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ehsnils Posted July 29, 2011 Share Posted July 29, 2011 The life of a contract killer is hard. The life of a contract network admin is possibly harder. Guillermo juggled a set of contracts with local businesses that needed help but couldn't afford a full time network administrator. This meant he was not merely a network admin, he was six network admins, often with overlapping hours. One afternoon, he did a routine series of checks on his largest client's Exchange server. Everything looked to be in order, but this company had a huge quantity of mail going in both directions. The virus scanner on the server had archived nearly ten thousand suspicious files, named "creative" things like hotxxx.jpg.exe. The disk was getting a little fuller than Guillermo liked, so he navigated to the quarantine folder and tapped "CTRL+A". As his hand swung across the keyboard towards the delete key, the "big boss" walked into his cube. A bottle-tanned hand slammed down on Guillermo's shoulder and the boss said, "How's every going, Gilly?" The surprise of the moment caused Guillermo to twitch and hit the Enter key. Not a great deal of mail went through the Exchange server that day. Guillermo learned several lessons that day. First, their virus scanner worked surprisingly well against an assault of 10,000 viruses. Second, if you're performing a routine task that you don't want to screw up, write a script for it. http://thedailywtf.com/Articles/The-Plural-of-Virus-is-not-Virii.aspx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RyanGT Posted July 29, 2011 Share Posted July 29, 2011 Amy Winehouse walks into a bar.... the bartender says "Sorry we don't serve spirits." . . I have enough drama for now..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RyanGT Posted July 29, 2011 Share Posted July 29, 2011 A Rabbi, a Taoist monk and a Priest walked into a bar. The bartender said "What's this? A joke?" . . I have enough drama for now..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RyanGT Posted July 29, 2011 Share Posted July 29, 2011 Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender. "I'll have a glass of blood," said one. "I'll have a glass of plasma", said the other. "Okay," replied the bartender, "That will be ... one blood and one blood lite..." . . I have enough drama for now..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ehsnils Posted July 29, 2011 Share Posted July 29, 2011 Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender. "I'll have a glass of blood," said one. "I'll have a glass of hot water", said the other. ???? "Tea Time" replied Vampire two and hauls out an used tampon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BAC5.2 Posted July 30, 2011 Share Posted July 30, 2011 Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender. "I'll have a glass of blood," said one. "I'll have a glass of hot water", said the other. ???? "Tea Time" replied Vampire two and hauls out an used tampon. Ban. [URL="http://legacygt.com/forums/showthread.php/proper-flip-key-interesti-159894.html"]Flip Key Development Thread[/URL] "Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped." - E. Hubbard Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joeblow Posted July 30, 2011 Share Posted July 30, 2011 How many PETA members does it take to change a light bulb? No one knows. PETA can't change anything It's cool; I'm with the band Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ehsnils Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 http://gfx2.aftonbladet-cdn.se/image/13424680/480/normal/160db57143b20/kunis.jpg Mila Kunis was recording a sex scene with Justin Timberlake for the movie Friends with Benefits and she fell asleep during the scene. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ehsnils Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 Old one: The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000. The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000. The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.' It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer. The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed,''Where are your testicles?'' The old Chief calmly replied, ''Vietnam''. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RyanGT Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 2 little sperms were swimming together. 1 said to the other "Is it far to the ovaries?" The other one replied "It's f**king miles away my friend! We've just only swam past the tonsils!" . . I have enough drama for now..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tracer-X Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 I told a chemistry joke and got no reaction. I must have told it out of my element. Some people just didn't see the irony. Someone tole me that my humor was predictably periodic. Jump on it, Let's do it, Ride it, My Pony... EL4NFZT7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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