Friday Funny jokes- GO!

[BENCOB]

In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship. Of course this period was before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common.

 

It was shipped dry because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet. But once water hit it (at sea), not only did it become heavier, the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas of course. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

 

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening. After that the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction 'Stow high in transit ' posted on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hole would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

 

Thus evolved the term 'S.H.I.T', (Stow High In Transit) which has

come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

 

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

 

Neither did I. I had always thought it was a bridge term.

[wpmarky]

Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender. "I'll have a glass of blood," said one.

"I'll have a glass of hot water", said the other.

????

"Tea Time" replied Vampire two and hauls out an used tampon.

 

so gross haha

[planelazy]

Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender. "I'll have a glass of blood," said one.

"I'll have a glass of hot water", said the other.

????

"Tea Time" replied Vampire two and hauls out an used tampon.

 

Ew LOL I did not need that visual image in my head

[ehsnils]

Not really a joke, rather a prank, trolling the trolls so to say.

 

Quite long and there's one or two NWS images (but they are minor) in it:

http://www.419eater.com/html/user_subs/juno/juno.pdf

[SpecBGuy]

Not really a joke, rather a prank, trolling the trolls so to say.

 

Quite long and there's one or two NWS images (but they are minor) in it:

http://www.419eater.com/html/user_subs/juno/juno.pdf

too long any short version.

[ehsnils]

Look at the pics, or at least look for James T Kirk.

 

http://d24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net/photo/198849_700b.jpg

[SpecBGuy]

:lol:

[RyanGT]

Little Johnny's father asked him, "Do you know about the birds and the bees?"

 

"I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears.

 

Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong.

 

"Oh dad," Little Johnny sobbed, "At age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really f**k, I've got nothing left to live for!"

[RyanGT]

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.

Usually she slept through the class.

 

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

 

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

 

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

 

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

 

The Teacher fainted.

[RyanGT]

In school one day, the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about the elements. So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw element in the world what would it be?"

 

Little Stevie raised his hand and said, "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."

 

The teacher nodded and called on little Susie.

 

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum, because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette"

 

The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny.

 

Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon."

 

The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"

 

He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"

[joeblow]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.

[Bigdaddy41301]

You should not read this thread while drinking liquid.

[VermontGT]

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

 

 

 

 

Two, but they have to be small.

[Tracer-X]

Terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

 

Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said 'I need to get up and get a coke.' 'Don't get up,' said the Marine 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

 

As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one too.'

 

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it.

 

When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

 

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

 

He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors, 'Why does it have to be this way?'

 

'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'

 

THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES.

[Scooby Fan]

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about

to jump off a bridge so they stopped.

 

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you

doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

 

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an

opportunity so he asked..."Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

 

So she does... And it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

 

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting.

You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

 

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

[SpecBGuy]

the other version i read with pic was...

a hiker see a girl ready to commit suicide by jumping off a cliff and ask for a blow. she said yes and after he said wow that was a great blow. so why are you committing suicide?

 

my parents dont like me dressing like a girl.

 

then the guy jumps off the cliff.

[ehsnils]

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

 

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

 

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards."

[FJuan]

A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner. "Son, where were you today?" The son says "at school dad." Robot slaps the son! "Ok, I watched a DVD at my friends house!" "What DVD?" "Toy story." Robot slaps the son again! "Ok, it was a porno" cries the son. "What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was" says the dad. Robot slaps the dad! Mom laughs "Ha Ha Ha! He's certainly your son." Robot slaps the mom...

[ehsnils]

http://legacygt.com/forums/images/icons/icon4.gifPolitically Incorrecthttp://legacygt.com/forums/images/icons/icon4.gif

 

I had just come out of the store with two porterhouse steaks, a jumbo

sausage, a bag of chips, and a 6-pack of beer. A homeless man sat

there and said, "I haven't eaten for two days."

I told him, "I wish I had your frickin' will power."

 

Top tip: if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in

the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping

with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex.

Wish me luck.....I appear in court next Monday.

 

A fat girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time. She said, 'sorry

about the wait.' I said, 'don't worry, you're bound to lose it

eventually.'

 

I was behind a rather large woman at the checkout.

She had on a pair of jeans that said, 'Guess.'

So, I said, "I don't know........maybe 350 pounds."

 

Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8

inches tonight, I thought to myself "fat chance with a face like

that!"

 

I have a new pick up line that works every time! It doesn't matter how

gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner

and always end up in bed with them. Here's how it goes, "Excuse me

love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like

chloroform to you?"

 

Years ago it was suggested 'that an apple a day kept the doctor

away..' But since many

doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon

sandwich works best.

 

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things

commonly found in cells. Apparently Blacks and Mexicans were not the

correct answers.

[ehsnils]

Blond Phone Call

 

"Hi Mom, How are you?"

 

"Hi Sally, where are you? I thought you were with your father at the Ace Hardware"

 

"Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone call"

 

"What happened?"

 

"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the head."

 

"What on earth, why did you do that?"

 

"Well it wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black & Decker."

[RyanGT]

Due to the unusual severity of the quake that hit near D.C., the GOP representatives in the House called an emergency session and adopted a bill to rename the fault that runs under the Capital. It will now be known as "Obama's Fault."

[ehsnils]

Astounding new element discovered

Oxford University researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

 

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

 

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete. Govermentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

 

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.

[Tracer-X]

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles… but at least they drive slowly past schools.

[LegGTLT]

@ Tracer's experience.

[mk6933]

Tricked Him

 

One day this girl, who is wearing a skirt, goes out to play with her friends.

 

She goes to the park and meets a boy. They talk about climbing trees.

 

The boy says to the girl: "Go on climb that tree."

 

The girls climbs up and the boy just stands there and looks up to the girls pants.

 

After a while the girl goes home and tells her mum about what happened.

 

Her mum says: "oh my stupid girl he just stood there and watched your pants."

 

The next day she went out again with her skirt on and met THAT boy again.

 

He told her to climb again and she did.

 

when she got home she tells her mum what happened again and her mum says: "My stupid girl he just stood there and watched your pants."

 

The girl replied and said: "No actually I tricked him, this time i did not wear any pants!"