Friday Funny jokes- GO!

[kadesh]

Hah!

[Boostin1657615274]

Haha to Post 123 and 125

[ehsnils]

http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/1007/tocs-big-decision-pharmacy-cowboy-demotivational-poster-1278532155.jpg

[LegGTLT]

[dr_sharp]

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

 

 

***************************************************************************

 

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

 

******************************************************************************

 

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello, George. What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

 

 

 

*****************************************************************************

 

 

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

 

 

***********************************************************************

 

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

 

 

**********************************************************************************

 

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."

[dr_sharp]

An email from a craigslist scammer. Keep in mind that I am trying to sell a wardrobe for $200.

 

On Tue, Jul 27, 2010 at 5:09 AM, scammer wrote:

 

Hello,

Due to shipping and insurance that a mover company is coming to pick

up from you the cashier`s check you will be receiving will be in the

amount of $1950 the shippers fund will be added to it..So this is what

you are going to do.After you receive the cheque and cash it you will

deduct your own money $200 plus a commission of $50 for keeping the

item for me then you will assist me in forwarding the rest money to my

moving company via Western Union to the mover who will be coming to

pick up the item, and this must be done in good faith.I believe that i

can trust you with the rest money. I will like to read from you back

today so that i can contact my shipping company to get ready for the

pick up.Thanks and more blessing. Awaiting your response today

 

And my response.

 

I'm sorry but I'm not comfortable handling your money. Please send only $200 if you wish to purchase the wardrobe. Where are you shipping the wardrobe to? I can ship you the wardrobe for cheaper than $1700, I'm sure. You do realize that the wardrobe itself is only worth $400 brand new, correct? The wardrobe will be empty, it will not contain any valuables such as lions or witches.

 

Best regards,

-Marshall

[dudeondacouch]

No lions? Please to nevermind offer of money then. Sorry for your bothering.

[LegGTLT]

 

You need to tell them YES next time! That's the fun of it! Then keep posting the back and forth with silly requests for them to do. Like that site 419 Scammer.

[Pawlwawl06]

post-friday joke

 

 

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster—one that would service all of his many hens. When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: “I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!”

 

So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house, though, he gave Henry a little pep talk: “Henry,” he said, “I’m counting on you to do your stuff.” And without a word, Henry strutted into the henhouse.

 

Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, until Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn’t stop there.

 

Henry went into the barn and mounted all of the horses, one by one, and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief cried out, “Stop, Henry!! You’ll kill yourself!!”

 

But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

 

Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry. The farmer walked up to Henry saying, “Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you’ve gone and killed yourself. I warned you little buddy.”

 

“Shhhhhhh,” Henry whispered, “The buzzard’s getting closer.”

[ehsnils]

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue.

 

Doctor: "What happened?"

 

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

 

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is a sleep."

 

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

 

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!

Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished

And swished, and he didn't touch me!"

 

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

[madcatz]

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue.

 

Doctor: "What happened?"

 

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

 

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that.When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bedand is a sleep."

 

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

 

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!

Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished

And swished, and he didn't touch me!"

 

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

 

 

http://i22.photobucket.com/albums/b309/madcatz1417/loltiger.gif

[ehsnils]

When you grow old:

 

 

• Never pass up a chance to visit the toilet.
  
• Never waste a hard-on.
  
• Never trust a fart.
  

 

[ehsnils]

A husband comes home with half a gallon of ice cream and asked his wife if she wanted some.

 

W: "How hard is it?"

H: "About as hard as my dick!"

W: "Pour me some."

[ehsnils]

A woman walked into a pharmacy and told the pharmacist that she needed some cyanide.

 

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The woman said she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes god big and he said "Lord, have mercy - I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license and they'll throw you and me in jail. Just leave and forgot that you ever came in here before I call the police."

 

The woman reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[dr_sharp]

Its been awhile for this thread, so I'll contribute:

 

God and the Devil discuss an Engineer

Although locked in fierce competition for what seems like forever, God and the Devil meet once every week for coffee just to catch up with each other. One week they're in heaven and the next they're in hell. When it was God's turn to host last week, the Devil was whistling a happy tune as he walked through the gates and wore a huge smile as he plopped down in the golden chair. As he poured a cup, God said, "You look pretty pleased with yourself." "Yeah," said the Devil, "Things are really looking up since I got that engineer last week. He's put in escalators and flush toilets, and he even found a way to control the heat in those old furnaces. I've been meaning to thank you for turning him away up here." God looked stunned, and almost spilled coffee into the saucer. "You know that you're not supposed to get any engineers," God said. "Peter was breaking in some new help at the gates last week, and they must have made a mistake. Just send him back up and we'll straighten it out." But the Devil just chuckled and said, "No. I think I'll keep him. He was talking about looking into better ventilation this week. I can see why you keep them all for yourself." "Send him back," demanded God "No," smirked the Devil. God thundered, "Send him back, or..." "Or what?" the Devil asked. "Or I'll sue," finished God. The Devil chuckled again. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"

[ehsnils]

For goodness sake, do NOT, and I mean DO NOT EVER sniff wasabi. It will get into your sinuses, and a few hours later, it will get into your eye, and it will burn. Burn like the fiery pits of hell. #LFMF

http://learnfrommyfail.failblog.org/2010/12/16/fail-story-lfmf-learn-from-my-freaking-eyes-fail/

 

When training on how to properly set up a military roadblock, don't assume that everyone that walks by are in on said training exercise. It could just be a kid short-cutting to get home from his friend carying a toy gun. A kid that you and you're squad now have mentally scarred for life. #LFMF

http://learnfrommyfail.failblog.org/2010/12/17/fail-story-lfmf-learn-from-grunts-fail/

 

 

When you say "My mom never had crabs before she met my dad," the fact that her family kept kosher isn’t the first thing that pops into people’s heads. #LFMF

 

http://learnfrommyfail.failblog.org/2010/12/16/fail-story-lfmf-learn-from-davids-fail-2/

[DeltaSniper]

ZERO to 100 in 4 seconds

 

 

Wife mentioned to her husband that for her birthday,

 

she would like something that accelerates from 0 to

 

100 in four seconds.

 

( She was expecting sports car )

 

 

But her husband presented her with something very different...

 

A bathroom scale!

 

 

 

The husband is in a critical but stable condition in ICU!

 

 

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

THE WEDDING NIGHT

 

Fred and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together.

 

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.

 

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

 

She replies, 'No'..

 

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

 

His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

 

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

 

She replies, 'No.'

 

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

 

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school .'

 

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

 

His mom says, 'No.'

 

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

 

His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think.'

 

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...I gave him my airplane glue.

[ehsnils]

OK, Not Friday but whatever...

 

I’ve Lost My Grandpa

 

http://www.emailvariety.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/01/boyGrandpa.jpg

My small grandson got lost at the shopping mall. . . He approached a uniformed security guard and said,

“I’ve lost my grandpa!”

The guard asked, “What’s his name?”

“Grandpa.”

The guard smiled, then asked, “What’s he like?”

The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,

“Jack Daniels whiskey and women with big tits.”

[KartRacerBoy]

Well that pretty much describes almost all men.

[Gire]

TGIF!!!

 

The Earring:

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. The guy knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." He walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

 

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

 

His friend falls silent for a few seconds, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

 

 

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

[ehsnils]

Getting Pretty Cold Back East ...

 

 

I just got off the phone with a friend in Minnesota .

He said that since early this morning the snow has

been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature

is dropping below zero and the north wind is increasing.

His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen

window all day. He says that if it gets much worse,

he may have to let her in.

[ehsnils]

WEST TEXAS Chili Cook-off

If you can read this whole story without laughing,

then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.

This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a

chili cook-off in West Texas .

 

 

Note: Please take time to read this slowly.

If you pay attention to the first two judges,

the reaction of the third judge is even better.

 

For those of you who have lived in West Texas , you know how true this is. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL .

 

 

 

 

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native West Texans ) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

 

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These West Texans are crazy.

 

CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

 

CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid Sally, pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them...

CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach..

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 -- No report

[700watts]

^^pretty funny:lol:

[madcatz]

A man is at the Superbowl and spots a seat down at the 50 yard line, right next to the field. He takes the chance and goes down and asks the old gentleman sitting next to the empty seat "Sir, is anyone sitting in that seat?"

The old man replies, "No. You are more than welcome to it."

To which the young man greatly accepts.

As the game goes on, he asks the Old man, why the seat was empty.

The Old man states "My wife and I have been coming to the Superbowl since Superbowl 1, and have never missed a game. Sadly she couldnt make it today."

The man is taken back by this statement and asks why no one else could have attended the game....a son, a grandson?

The old man replies, "no one would come, they are all at my wife's Funeral."

[ehsnils]

In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was

either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington

 

showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while

 

others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters

 

were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many

 

limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are 'limbs,' therefore painting them would cost the buyer more..

 

Hence the expression, 'Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg.'

 

(Artists know hands and arms are more difficult to paint)

 

 

As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year

 

(May and October) Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved

 

their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men

 

could afford good wigs made from wool. They couldn't wash the wigs, so

 

to clean them they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the

 

shell, and bake it for 30 minutes. The heat would make the wig big

 

and fluffy, hence the term 'big wig.' Today we often use the term

 

'here comes the Big Wig' because someone appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.

 

*****************

 

In the late 1700's, many houses consisted of a large room with only

 

one chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and

 

was used for dining. The 'head of the household' always sat in the

 

chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Occasionally a

 

guest, who was usually a man, would be invited to sit in this chair

 

during a meal. To sit in the chair meant you were important and in

 

charge. They called the one sitting in the chair the 'chair man.'

 

Today in business, we use the expression or title 'Chairman' or 'Chairman of the Board.'

 

*******

 

Personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many

 

women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would

 

spread bee's wax over their facial skin to smooth out their

 

complexions. When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began

 

to stare at another woman's face she was told, 'mind your own bee's

 

wax.' Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term

 

'crack a smile'. In addition, when they sat too close to the fire,

 

the wax would melt . . . Therefore, the expression 'losing face.'

 

*******

 

Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A proper and

 

dignified woman, as in 'straight laced'. . Wore a tightly tied lace.

 

*******

 

Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax

 

levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the 'Ace of Spades.'

 

To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead. Yet,

 

since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be

 

stupid or dumb because they weren't 'playing with a full deck.'

 

*******

 

Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what

 

the people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV's

 

or radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars.

 

They were told to 'go sip some ale' and listen to people's

 

conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times.

 

'You go sip here' and 'You go sip there.' The two words 'go sip' were

 

eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we

 

have the term 'gossip.'

 

*******

 

At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and

 

quart-sized containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the

 

customers and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention

 

and remember who was drinking in 'pints' and who was drinking in

 

'quarts,' hence the term 'minding your'P's and Q's '

 

*******

 

One more and betting you didn't know this!

 

In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters

 

carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It

 

was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon. However, how to

 

prevent them from rolling about the deck? The best storage method

 

devised was a square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on

 

four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen.. Thus, a supply of 30

 

cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the

 

cannon. There was only one problem...how to prevent the bottom layer

 

from sliding or rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a 'Monkey' with 16 round indentations.

 

However, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly

 

rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make 'Brass

 

Monkeys.' Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and

 

much faster than iron when chilled.

 

Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass

 

indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would come

 

right off the monkey.. Thus, it was quite literally, 'Cold enough to

 

freeze the balls off a brass monkey.' (All this time, you thought that

 

was an improper expression, didn't you.)