Friday Funny jokes- GO!

[ehsnils]

Jeff Foxworthy on Canada

 

 

 

If your local restaurant is closed from September through May, you may live in Canada.

 

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in Canada.

 

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in

Canada.

 

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Canada.

 

If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Canada.

 

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Canada

 

If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you may live in Canada

 

If you can drive 90 kms/hr through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Canada.

 

If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Canada.

 

If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Canada.

 

If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Canada.

 

If the speed limit on the highway is 80km -- you're going 90 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Canada.

 

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Canada.

 

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter,

and road construction, you may live in Canada

 

If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in Canada.

 

If you find 2 degrees 'a little chilly', you may live in Canada

[Gire]

That is damn near spot on!

 

 

(But Gire does not own a snow blower:redface:)

[kadesh]

Jeff Foxworthy on Canada

 

If you find -10 degrees 'a little chilly', you may live in Canada

 

Fixored. :lol::lol:

[whobaru]

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X49fQlwXWfg]YouTube - Top 10 Mitch Hedberg Jokes[/ame]

[ehsnils]

An old folklore/urban legend:

 

Voice A: – Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid collision.

 

Voice B: – Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to south to avoid collision.

 

Voice A: – This is the Captain of a US navy ship, I say again divert your course.

 

Voice B: – No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

 

Voice A: – THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW".

 

Voice B: – This is a lighthouse. Your call.

 

I remember reading a version of this from the Swedish version of Reader's Digest from the late 60's.

[Gire]

I like it when it's a Canadian lighthouse in the joke. Makes me laugh every time.

[Gire]

Actual call center conversations! Some oldies, but goodies in here...

 

Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you help?'

Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'

Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'

Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'

 

Samsung Electronics

Caller:'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'

Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'

Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'

Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'

 

RAC Motoring Services

Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia ?'

Operator: 'Does the product name give you a clue?'

 

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )

'If I register my car in France , and then take it to England , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'

 

Directory Enquiries

Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'

Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'

Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'

 

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'

Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland . '

 

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'

 

Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'

Customer: 'OK.'

Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'

Customer: 'No.'

Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'

Customer: 'No.'

Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'

Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'

 

Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'

Customer: 'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'

[BigInALegacy]

It's Friday, so here goes:

 

 

 

 

2 Cannibals are eating a clown... one looks at the other and says:

 

"Does this taste funny to you?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

What's green, 10 miles long, and has an asshole every three feet?

 

 

 

 

A St. Patrick's day parade!

Edited October 10, 2008 by BigInALegacy

[BigInALegacy]

Guy walks into his house holding a duck.

 

Looks at his wife and says: "would you believe this pig I've been screwing?"

 

His wife says: "Hunny, that's not a pig, it's a duck"

 

The man says: "I wasn't talking to you."

[BigInALegacy]

2 Guys at a bar, one guy has a really small head, about the size of a cue ball.

 

The other guy can't help but ask: "Why is your head so small, is that a birth defect?"

 

The guy proceeds to explain: "Not exactly... Well, I was an old naval captain. Our ship went down and I was the only survivor. I found refuge on an island all by myself where I met a mermaid that said she'd grant me 3 wishes...

 

So my first wish, naturally I asked to be rescued. Sure enough a boat comes over the horizon!

 

Second wish I asked for all the money I could need when I got back, she snapped her fingers and said done!

 

So she asked for my third wish, I told her I'd really like to have sex with a mermaid. To which the mermaid replied: "Silly, mermaids can't have sex, it's not physically possible"....

 

The man pauses for a moment, and the other guy asks "So what happened?"

 

The guy says: "I asked for a little head instead!"

[ehsnils]

RAC Motoring Services

Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia ?'

Operator: 'Does the product name give you a clue?'

 

That one isn't completely off - the connection between Australia and the UK still exists in some cases. So it makes actually sense to ask that question.

[bradlgt21]

2 guys at a bar, one guy has a really small head, about the size of a cue ball.

 

The other guy can't help but ask: "why is your head so small, is that a birth defect?"

 

the guy proceeds to explain: "not exactly... Well, i was an old naval captain. Our ship went down and i was the only survivor. I found refuge on an island all by myself where i met a mermaid that said she'd grant me 3 wishes...

 

So my first wish, naturally i asked to be rescued. Sure enough a boat comes over the horizon!

 

Second wish i asked for all the money i could need when i got back, she snapped her fingers and said done!

 

So she asked for my third wish, i told her i'd really like to have sex with a mermaid. To which the mermaid replied: "silly, mermaids can't have sex, it's not physically possible"....

 

The man pauses for a moment, and the other guy asks "so what happened?"

 

the guy says: "i asked for a little head instead!"

 

nice!!!!!

[ehsnils]

A German, an American, and a Mexican are traveling in the Amazon, and they get captured.

 

The head of the tribe says to the German, “What do you want on your back for your whipping?”

 

The German responds, “I will take oil!” So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times.

 

When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.

 

The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, “What do you want on your back?”

 

“I will take nothing!” says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.

 

“What will you take on your back?” the Amazons ask the American. He responds, “I’ll take the Mexican.”

[Gire]

Wow- long overdue bump.

 

 

 

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.

Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."

The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.

Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be screwed if he needed glasses".

[ehsnils]

A very touching child’s prayer

 

 

Dear God,

Please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Dad’s computer.

Amen

 

 

 

 

[RuskiTrombone]

Dick Cheney, President Bush and his father are flying on Air Force One. Dick looks at Dubya, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy." Dubya shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy." George Bush Senior says, "Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

 

The pilot rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."

 

***

 

A salesman from KFC walked up to the Pope and offers him a million dollars if he would change "The Lord's Prayer" from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." The Pope refused his offer.

 

Two weeks later, the man offered the pope 10 million dollars to change it from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken" and again the Pope refused the man's generous offer. Another week later, the man offered the Pope 20 million dollars and finally the Pope accepted. The following day, the Pope said to all his officials, "I have some good news and some bad news. 'The good news is, that we have just received a check for 20 million dollars. The bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account!'''

 

***

 

Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so they can breed their own stock.

 

The brunette balances their checkbook, then decides to take their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "If I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

 

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram.

 

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

 

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

 

Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, comfortable."

 

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you just write, comfortable?"

 

The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. She'll read it slowly."

 

***

 

A boy was meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time for dinner. After dinner, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog Duke, who was sitting underneath the boy's chair. Unfortunately, it was a large dinner and he really had to fart. He stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart.

 

"Duke!" the dad yelled.

 

"This is great!" the boy thought. "He thinks the dog is farting!" So he let out another one.

 

"Duke!" the father barked. The boy thought he was homefree so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart.

 

"Duke! Get out of there before the boy shits on you!"

 

***

 

A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her.

He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed, he asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, she answered, ''Yes, we use it when we have sexual intercourse.'' The interviewer was amazed. He said, ''I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge or some other purpose. But I know that most people really use it for sexual intercourse, they just don't like to say so. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?'' ''We put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out.''

 

***

 

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of international capitals.

 

She proudly said, "Go ahead and quiz me. I know all of them!"

 

Her friend said, "O.K. then, what's the capital of France?"

 

The blonde replied, "Oh, that's so easy! F."

[KartRacerBoy]

I at this one...

 

A boy was meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time for dinner. After dinner, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog Duke, who was sitting underneath the boy's chair. Unfortunately, it was a large dinner and he really had to fart. He stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart.

 

"Duke!" the dad yelled.

 

"This is great!" the boy thought. "He thinks the dog is farting!" So he let out another one.

 

"Duke!" the father barked. The boy thought he was homefree so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart.

 

"Duke! Get out of there before the boy shits on you!"

[BigInALegacy]

I've actually heard that one before...

 

Comfortable... now that's funny. :lol:

[RuskiTrombone]

In my junk mail box this morning ...

 

 

A co-worker got a pen stuck inside our printer. He started to try and remove the pen, but I told him we don't have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then report it to Help Desk. So he grabbed a piece of paper and scribbled on it. I left before he finished the note.

 

About 20 minutes later, one of my techs comes in laughing and says he was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate.

 

Attached is what he found. Sometimes things don't always come out the way you want them to...

 

 

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http://seeing20twenty.com/images/stuck%20pen.jpg

[rnstein69]

^^^

[BigInALegacy]

LMFAO!!! :lol:

[LegGTLT]

[Gire]

Bump it-

 

 

 

A Drunk man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol whereupon he asks the drunk

'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk shouts 'Yes I am!'

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him up and asks the drunk

'Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies 'No I haven't found Jesus.'

The preacher shocked at the answer dunks him into the water again for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks again 'Have you found Jesus my brother?'

The drunk again answers 'No I haven't found Jesus!'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'

 

 

 

 

 

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher 'Are you sure this is where he fell in?!'

[hogmeat]

LOL! Good morning joke! I'll remember that one.

[BigInALegacy]

A blonde walks into the cleaners and drops a dirty skirt off to be cleaned.

 

The nice lady behind the counter says "thank you, come again".

 

To which the blonde replies: "no, it's toothpaste this time you nosy bit*h!"