Friday Funny jokes- GO!

[ehsnils]

Bubba Died ....

 

 

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly .

 

The morgue needed someone to identify the body,

so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,

Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba.'

The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up .

Roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two assholes.'

'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say :

'There's Bubba with them two assholes.'

[ehsnils]

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful.

She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

 

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.

He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on

the door to clarify the point.

 

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found

your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.

 

Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

 

The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my

bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young

and beautiful again."

 

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

 

The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes."

[PhilT]

I

 

One more and betting you didn't know this!

 

In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters

 

carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It

 

was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon. However, how to

 

prevent them from rolling about the deck? The best storage method

 

devised was a square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on

 

four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen.. Thus, a supply of 30

 

cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the

 

cannon. There was only one problem...how to prevent the bottom layer

 

from sliding or rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a 'Monkey' with 16 round indentations.

 

However, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly

 

rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make 'Brass

 

Monkeys.' Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and

 

much faster than iron when chilled.

 

Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass

 

indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would come

 

right off the monkey.. Thus, it was quite literally, 'Cold enough to

 

freeze the balls off a brass monkey.' (All this time, you thought that

 

was an improper expression, didn't you.)

 

 

 

That was the only one I did know

[TrueWhiteBoy]

http://www.snopes.com/language/phrases/lesson.asp

 

Awwwww, I wanted them to be true

[Tracer-X]

Pre-Friday groaner:

 

A husband says to his wife,

"what would you do if I won the Lottery?"

 

 

She says,

"I'd take half, then leave you."

 

 

"Excellent," he replies,

"I won 12 bucks, here's $6 - See Ya"

[wpmarky]

They say behind every strong man is a strong woman.

Behind every f**k-up is a best friend saying, 'Go for it, bro!'

[ehsnils]

One of them support issues the IT helpdesk can receive.

 

******************************************************
* TICKET #BX-4314321      *CLOSED*        2009-05-18 *
******************************************************
*                                                    *
* ASSIGNED  : Michael E-----                         *
* DEPT CODE : T1-SUP                                 *
* CUSTOMER  : Mary L------                           *
* HARDWARE  : Other - "Stapler?"                     *
* RESOLUTION: CLOSED-WITHDISPATCH                    *
*                                                    *
*                                                    *
* __ ISSUE __                                        *
*                                                    *
*   Mary called me direct to request that I or some- *
*   body in IT unplug the electric stapler that was  *
*   on her desk.                                     *
*                                                    *
* __ TROUBLESHOOTING __                              *
*                                                    *
*   #2009-05-18 9:33 AM #                            *
*   I advised that she can safely unplug the stapler *
*   by locating power cord. She was not comfortable  *
*   with performing those steps.                     *
*                                                    *
*   #2009-05-18 12:40 PM#                            *
*   Unplugged stapler and placed it on her desk, as  *
*   she was at lunch.  Will re-open ticket if she    *
*   requires help plugging it back in.               *
*                                                    *
******************************************************

 

 

[TrueWhiteBoy]

One of them support issues the IT helpdesk can receive.

 

******************************************************
* TICKET #BX-4314321      *CLOSED*        2009-05-18 *
******************************************************
*                                                    *
* ASSIGNED  : Michael E-----                         *
* DEPT CODE : T1-SUP                                 *
* CUSTOMER  : Mary L------                           *
* HARDWARE  : Other - "Stapler?"                     *
* RESOLUTION: CLOSED-WITHDISPATCH                    *
*                                                    *
*                                                    *
* __ ISSUE __                                        *
*                                                    *
*   Mary called me direct to request that I or some- *
*   body in IT unplug the electric stapler that was  *
*   on her desk.                                     *
*                                                    *
* __ TROUBLESHOOTING __                              *
*                                                    *
*   #2009-05-18 9:33 AM #                            *
*   I advised that she can safely unplug the stapler *
*   by locating power cord. She was not comfortable  *
*   with performing those steps.                     *
*                                                    *
*   #2009-05-18 12:40 PM#                            *
*   Unplugged stapler and placed it on her desk, as  *
*   she was at lunch.  Will re-open ticket if she    *
*   requires help plugging it back in.               *
*                                                    *
******************************************************

 

 

 

Ah IT stories are wonderful.

[ehsnils]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

 

The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

 

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

 

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check’. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

 

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'

 

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'

[LegGTLT]

Now THAT was actually funny.

[KartRacerBoy]

And a great idea.

[LegGTLT]

Try it on your wife tonight!

[KartRacerBoy]

She knows how much is in our paltry accounts.

[ehsnils]

THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY

 

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough,

as they could not afford a larger bed.

 

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his

cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that

could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly

alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb,

(fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can(COORS),

then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'

The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the

shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my

ear is going to help me.'

 

 

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

 

 

 

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.

 

 

He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

 

 

'1'

 

'2'

 

'3'

 

'4'

 

'5'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between

his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

 

This procedure also works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana ,

Arkansas , Mississippi , Illinois and all of Washington DC.

[RyanGT]

This big burly guy was standing at the urinals taking a piss. Next to him was this midget also taking a leak. The big guy noticed the midget winking at him. He turned his back a bit but when he looked around, the midget was still winking at him. Not amused, he said to the midget, "What's your problem??? Do you f**king fancy me or something??"

 

The midget said, "No you bastard, you're splashing my eyes!!!"

[LegGTLT]

[RyanGT]

This young Chinese guy emigrated to the US and got a job as a dishwasher in a Chinese restaurant. He worked hard for 3 years and was able to save up enough money to bring his betrothed wife-to-be (aka arranged marriage) from China over here.

 

She was excited to be in the country for a new life. Having not been intimate with a man before, she was also very anxious about the wedding night. So she learned as much as she can about all different sexual practices and positions.

 

On the wedding night, the new husband was also very anxious to please his bride. They started stripping down and making out. He then noticed that she wasn't into it. He told her "Why you not happy? I will do anything to make you feel good. Tell me what you want and I will do it!"

 

She sheepishly told him, "I want number 69!" He was shocked and yelled out "WHAT!!! You want biff with bwokkoli???"

[LegGTLT]

Only you could get away with that. :ror:

[RyanGT]

A German tourist came to visit New York city for the first time. Walking through Chinatown, he was impressed with the sights and sounds of the area. There were restaurants with hanging roast ducks in the display windows and souvenir shops with signs written in Chinese. He then came across a dry cleaning shop with the sign "Olaf Gundersen Dry Cleaners". He was puzzled as to why a shop with that name exists in the middle of Chinatown.

 

He decided to go inside and check it out. Behind the counter was a very old Chinese man. He walked up to the counter and asked, "Excuse me, I would like to talk to the owner of this shop." The old man said, "I am the owner." The German tourist then asked "Is your name Olaf Gundersen?" The old Chinese guy said, "Why yes I am!"

 

The German tourist then said "How did it come about you have a name like that?" The old man began to tell his story "Many decades ago when I first came to this country, I was at the Immigration office waiting in line. Standing in front of me was this very tall Norwegian blond guy. The Immigration officer behind the counter asked him what his name was and he said 'Olaf Gundersen'. And then it was my turn and the Immigration officer asked me what my name was and I said 'Sam Ting'. And my friend that's how my name became Olaf Gundersen in all my papers".

[RyanGT]

There is this guy who took his beautiful Thai wife to the doctor b/c she hadn't been feeling too well lately. After the exam, the doctor came out to talk the guy, "I have good news and bad news about your wife. Which one do you want to hear first?"

 

The guy said, "Give me the bad news first." The doctor said, "The bad news is your wife has testicular cancer. The good news is he gets to the front of the line for his sex change procedure!"

[BENCOB]

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise'.

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

 

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.

He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

 

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

 

'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'

 

The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'

 

(You're going to love this. You're going to hate yourself for loving this!)

 

 

'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck

[BENCOB]

Dear Family & Friends,

I know that you were eager to accept our family's invitation to Thanksgiving dinner when you found out that the famous Martha Stewart would be joining us. However, due to scheduling conflicts beyond her control, Ms. Stewart finds that she is unable to grace our table this year. With that in mind, there will be a few minor changes regarding the meal and decor, as outlined below. Please be aware of them, and adjust your appetite and dress appropriately.

 

Thank you.

 

1)Our driveway will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After several trial runs and two visits from the fire department, it was decided that, no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.

 

2)Once inside, please note that the entry space will not be decorated with swags of Indian corn and fall foliage. Instead, we included our dog in decorating by having him track in colorful autumn leaves from the back yard. The mud was his idea.

 

3)The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy China, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this is Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the paper SpongeBob dinner plates, the leftover Halloween napkins, and our plastic cup collection.

 

4)Our centerpiece will not be a tower of fresh fruit and flowers. Instead we will be proudly displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper and pine cones. The artist assures me it is a turkey, albeit one without wings, legs, or a beak.

 

5)We will be dining somewhat later than planned. However, our daughter will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure she will be happy to share every choice comment her mother made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims, stuffing choices, the turkey hotline, and, especially, her husband. Please remember that most of these comments were made at 7:00AM upon discovering that said husband had only remembered to pull the turkey from the freezer at 6:00 AM, and that the thing was still hard enough to cut diamonds.

 

6)As an accompaniment to our daughter's recital of these events, I will play a recording of Native American tribal drumming. Curiously, the tribal drumming sounds a great deal like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, but that only enhances the holiday appropriateness. If our daughter should mention that we don't own a recording of Native American tribal drumming, ignore her. She's only nine; what does she know?

 

7)A dainty silver bell will not be rung to announce the start of our feast. We have chosen to keep our traditional method of assembling when the smoke alarm goes off.

 

8)There will be no formal seating arrangement. When t he smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask all the children to sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next door. And I would like to take this opportunity to remind our younger diners that "passing the rolls" is neither a football play nor an excuse to bean your cousin in the head with bread.

 

9)The turkey will not be carved at the table. I know you have seen the Norman Rockwell image of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. Such a scene may occur somewhere in America , but it won't be happening at our dinner table. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in the kitchen at a private ceremony. I stress "private", meaning Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children, or older, helpful grandparents into the kitchen to check on my progress. I have a very large, very sharp knife. The turkey i s unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win the battle. When I do, we will eat.

 

10)For the duration of the meal, we will refer to the gravy by its lesser-known name: Kraft Cheese Sauce. If a young diner questions you regarding the origins or makeup of the Kraft Cheese Sauce, smile kindly and say that you know the answer, but it's a secret that can't be revealed to them until they are 18.

 

11)Instead of offering a choice among 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and dog tongue marks. You still have a choice: take it or leave it.

 

That concludes our list of alterations.

Again, I apologize that Martha will not be joining us this year.

 

[NSFW]

My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather. (Jackie Mason)

[Tracer-X]

Ralph and Edna were patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool Ralph suddenly threw himself into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the nursing director heard about it she immediately ordered Edna to be discharged as she was now considered to be mentally stable.

She went to tell Edna the news: “Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by saving the life of the person you love. I’ve concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.”

She continued, “The bad news is that Ralph hung himself in his bathroom using his bathrobe belt. I’m so sorry, but he's dead.”

Edna replied, “He didn't hang himself - I put him there to dry.... How soon can I go home?”

[NSFW]

Guy goes to the doctor and says, "Well, I have five penises, and..."

 

"Wait," says the doctor. "How do your pants fit?"

 

"Like a glove."