Friday Funny jokes- GO!

[Gire]

I heard two today that made me laugh out loud.

 

Feel free to add in some gems of your own!

 

 

John and Bill are at a bar getting trashed when all of a sudden John barfs all over himself.

“Oh, Damn it!” Says John. “My wife is going to kill me when I get home. I gotta leave now!”

“Relax…” slurs Bill as he pulls a Twenty out of his wallet and stuffs it into John’s shirt pocket.

“What’s this for?” Asks John.

“Well, when you get home you can tell your wife that some other guy barfed all over you and he then gave you twenty bucks to cover your dry cleaning bill. That way you can stay with me and have some more drinks. No problem!”

Much later that night, John stumbles home and up to the bedroom. His wife wakes up and says “Jeezus John! You stink! Are you covered in vomit?!”

“Well,” says John as he pulls a handful of cash out of his pocket, “I only had a couple of drinks with Bill but then some really drunk guy barfed all over me and offered me twenty bucks for dry cleaning.”

His wife says “But you have 40 bucks in your hand now…”

“Oh yeah, I forgot. He also shit my pants too”

[Gire]

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

 

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!

 

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

 

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

 

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?"

 

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

 

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says...........................................

 

"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."

[BDII]

:lol: :lol:

 

Im dying....

[Gire]

I'll just bump my own thread instead of making a new one...

 

We call this one: "Drunk in Canada"

 

 

Recently a routine RCMP patrol parked outside a bar just off the main Street at Moose Jaw, Sk ..

 

 

After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar who was so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

 

 

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car,which he fell into.

 

 

He sat there for a few minutes and then threw a hook and line out the window and seemed to be trying to catch a fish.

 

 

 

 

A number of other patrons failed to observe this crazy drunk as they left the bar and drove off.

 

 

 

 

Finally the drunk started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.?

 

 

He then pulled in the hook and line and moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left.

 

 

At last, the parking lot was empty; he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

 

 

 

 

The officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test.

 

 

 

 

To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to you to accompany me to Headquarters. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.'

 

 

 

 

'I doubt it,' said the truly proud Saskie, 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'

 

 

[kadesh]

Oh man , don't ever admit something like that to a friggin cop from SK, he will find something to give you a ticket for AND take 3/4 of an hour to write it!!!

 

=))))

[Gire]

Kadesh-

Excellent Avatar. A+ on the actor, the character, the story, everything.

 

 

 

I'll try to dig up a Halloween pic ars ago where I had the costume of Rauol Duke dialed in.

[dr_sharp]

That second one was great!

[whobaru]

Great jokes, especially the decoy! :lol:

[GTTuner]

Here is a cut and paste from my e mail;

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and

I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he

asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then

towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

[deimos]

:lol::lol:

 

 

I heard two today that made me laugh out loud.

 

Feel free to add in some gems of your own!

 

 

John and Bill are at a bar getting trashed when all of a sudden John barfs all over himself.

“Oh, Damn it!” Says John. “My wife is going to kill me when I get home. I gotta leave now!”

“Relax…” slurs Bill as he pulls a Twenty out of his wallet and stuffs it into John’s shirt pocket.

“What’s this for?” Asks John.

“Well, when you get home you can tell your wife that some other guy barfed all over you and he then gave you twenty bucks to cover your dry cleaning bill. That way you can stay with me and have some more drinks. No problem!”

Much later that night, John stumbles home and up to the bedroom. His wife wakes up and says “Jeezus John! You stink! Are you covered in vomit?!”

“Well,” says John as he pulls a handful of cash out of his pocket, “I only had a couple of drinks with Bill but then some really drunk guy barfed all over me and offered me twenty bucks for dry cleaning.”

His wife says “But you have 40 bucks in your hand now…”

“Oh yeah, I forgot. He also shit my pants too”

[deimos]

'I doubt it,' said the truly proud Saskie, 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'

 

 

 

 

Awesome!

[Gire]

BUMP-

Might be an oldie, but I just heard it the other day.

 

 

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

 

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

 

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

 

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "Exactly how many is a brazillion?"

[Gire]

aaaand one more:

 

 

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist bombings and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been recategorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance."

 

The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

 

Also, the French Government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate."

The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

 

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing."

Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

 

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

[executor485]

An old one, at least for me...

 

President Bush and Colin Powel are sitting at a restaurant eating and discussing the war, plans, etc. They get into a very heated argument, so they call a waiter over.

Bush: "Alright, we have this little problem. I think we should invade Iraq and kill 50,000 of their people and a guy on a bicycle... Colin here doesn't agree. What do you think?"

Waiter: "Why the hell do you wanna kill a guy on a bicycle?"

Bush: "See Colin, I told you!!! No body gives a damn about the 50,000 Iraqi's, they care about the guy on the bicycle!"

 

Sorry if anyone takes offense to that... I figure its just funny, not political or anything... So keep it as a joke

[whobaru]

What do you call cheeze that's not yours?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Give up?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nacho cheeze

[kadesh]

What do you call cheeze that's not yours?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Give up?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nacho cheeze

 

 

Oh my.

[isuace]

Oh my.

Your reply made me lol.

[jrotes]

Three women : one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting

 

about their relationships and decide to amaze their men. . . . that night

 

all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style , stilettos and mask over

 

their eyes. . . After a few days they meet again .....

 

 

The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night , when my boyfriend came

 

back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask.

 

He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you. . . then we made love all

 

night long.

 

 

 

The mistress state d: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I

 

was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a

 

raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn' t say a word. We just had

 

wild sex all night .

 

 

The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at

 

my mother's for the night, I got myself ready , leather bodice, super

 

stilettos and mask over my eyes.

 

 

 

My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV contr oller and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what' s for dinner?'

 

 

Thought this one was pretty funny!

[kadesh]

THE EARRING

 

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

 

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

 

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

 

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

 

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck!"

[dragonman586]

THE EARRING

 

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

 

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

 

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

 

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

 

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck!"

 

This reminds me of that episode of scrubs where Enid finds an earring in Dr.Kelso's posession.

[NSFW]

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck!"

 

[ehsnils]

Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week

bowling and plays golf every Saturday.

 

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his

birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

 

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob!

How ya doin?'

 

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club

before.

 

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling team.

 

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like

his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

 

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,

'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

 

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

 

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.

 

A stripper then comes over to their table,

throws her arms

around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,

 

'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

 

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out

of the club.

 

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

 

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

 

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must

have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is

having none of it .

 

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling

him every 4 letter word in the book.

 

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked

up a real bitch this time.

 

 

[kadesh]

Nice one ehsnils. =))

 

 

 

This reminds me of that episode of scrubs where Enid finds an earring in Dr.Kelso's posession.

 

 

I remember that, the flashback of him putting it in by hand, ouch. Now i want to make a "I love scrubs" thread.....

[Gire]

BUMP-

The boss just told me a great one.

 

A lady takes an ad out in the papaer looking for a mate.

She only had 3 conditions to be her mate, and they are:

1) don't beat me

2) don't run around on me

3) must be great in bed

 

She sends the ad off to the paper and about a week later she hears a ring on her doorbell.

She opens the door to see a guy guy in a wheel chair with no arms and no legs.

She is confused to see this fellow so she says, "yes, may I help you?"

He replies, "I'm here to answer your ad in the paper."

She looks him up and down and says, "well, I don't know how to put this but... I don't think you are what I'm looking for."

 

"Why?" He says. "You said you don't want anyone to beat you. I don't have any arms. You don't want anyone running around on you, and I frankly don't have any legs."

 

"But I had a third condition as well..." She says.

 

 

He answers, "How do you think I rang the door bell".

[bradlgt21]

BUMP-

The boss just told me a great one.

 

A lady takes an ad out in the papaer looking for a mate.

She only had 3 conditions to be her mate, and they are:

1) don't beat me

2) don't run around on me

3) must be great in bed

 

She sends the ad off to the paper and about a week later she hears a ring on her doorbell.

She opens the door to see a guy guy in a wheel chair with no arms and no legs.

She is confused to see this fellow so she says, "yes, may I help you?"

He replies, "I'm here to answer your ad in the paper."

She looks him up and down and says, "well, I don't know how to put this but... I don't think you are what I'm looking for."

 

"Why?" He says. "You said you don't want anyone to beat you. I don't have any arms. You don't want anyone running around on you, and I frankly don't have any legs."

 

"But I had a third condition as well..." She says.

 

 

He answers, "How do you think I rang the door bell".

 

:lol: Thats a good one Gire