Friday Funny jokes- GO!

[LegGTLT]

[TrueWhiteBoy]

Not quite Friday, but I'm wishing it were...

 

--

 

This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out. Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again. Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing. About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "hey, how the heck are you doing that?!" The first guy responds, "oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk." "WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below. The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk."

[LegGTLT]

:lol: Awsome!!!

[ehsnils]

Rotfl!

[BigInALegacy]

Well, I waited til Friday to read it

 

lol

[Scooby Fan]

A Newfounlander walks into a bar at lunch time for a few drinks to see him through the afternoon. The whole bar is glued to the TV which is showing a situation with a guy on a 10th floor ledge in the business district....after a few minutes the bartender says to the Newfie "I bet you $20 he jumps" The Newfie thinks about it and takes the bet..."You're on boy!!" A few minutes later the man jumps to his death and everyone is shocked. The Newfie gets out the $20 for the bartender, but the bartender takes pity on him and says "I can't take your money...this happened this morning and I saw it on the morning news so I knew he would jump"

The stunned Newfie looks at him and says........................................................

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"I saw that this morning too....but I was sure he wouldn't jump again":eek:

[05subiegt]

had the longest, most boring eight hours at work. with a half hour left, i checked out these jokes and made my whole day.

[ehsnils]

Not really a joke, but a spoof:

 

If there's a whale

in your neighborhood

Who ya gonna call?

NORWEGIANS

 

If its a huge mammal

and it don't look good

Who ya gonna call?

NORWEGIANS

 

I ain't afraid of no whale

I ain't afraid of no whale

 

If you're seeing Cetaceans

running through your head

Who can ya call?

NORWEGIANS

 

A big fat thing

sleeping in your bed

Who ya gonna call?

NORWEGIANS

 

I ain't afraid of no whale

I ain't afraid of no whale

 

Who ya gonna call?

 

NORWEGIANS!!!

 

If ya have a hunger for whale meat

pick up the phone

and call

NORWEGIANS

 

*does the chicken dance*

[ehsnils]

Tough customer;

 

A lady asked me to scan in a photo of her dead husband in a fishing boat. Once that was done she asked me to use Photoshop to turn the man’s face so it was facing the camera.

[ehsnils]

Q: How does women get mink.

A: The same way as mink get mink.

[LegGTLT]

Huh?

[coxx]

Q: How does women get mink.

A: The same way as mink get mink.

 

this thread clearly says funny in the title

[KartRacerBoy]

Engage brain. Funny on the low end if you do so.

[LegGTLT]

Engage sense of humor.... still doesn't register.

[CTATV]

Engage sense of humor.... still doesn't register.

 

:lol:

 

[ScoopMan]

Engage ass. Extract head.

 

[Guest heightsgtltd]

^^ is that how your Sat night is going to start?

[rnstein69]

A man goes hunting with a bunch of his friends on His land!! They have been hunting a while and his best friend says"hey I can see in your bedroom with my scope". He says " who's that man in the bedroom with your wife? The husband says "what? r u joking? The friend replies,"no honestly. I can see them!! The husband says "Fine shoot her in the head and him in the private!! The friend replies"I CAN GET THAT IN ONE SHOT!!!!!!!!"

[jrotes]

Old Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ‘Seven Points.'

 

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'

The old man replied,

'its fart football.'

 

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says ‘Touchdown, tie score.'

 

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,

'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,

'Touchdown, tie score.'

 

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,

'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.

 

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the

bed.

 

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

 

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.

[Gire]

Funeral For a Homeless Man

 

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.

 

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

 

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

 

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

 

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

 

As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for over twenty years."

 

 

 

 

 

(Not my best, but a Friday bump was needed)

[BENCOB]

A rich family sends their student to College in Europe. Kid writes home "I feel bad driving a brand new, expensive, high model Mercedes to School every day, all my teachers ride the public tram" Family writes back "Don't feel bad, take this 1.5 million euro check and go buy yourself a tram"

[dease42]

A little boy comes up to his father, and asks "Daddy, what's the difference between 'in theory' and 'in practice'? I've heard it a couple times, and I don't get it"

 

The father replies "Son, that's a tough question to answer... let me show you an example, and maybe you can figure it out for yourself..."

 

"Here's what you do, go into the kitchen, and ask your mother if she'd sleep with a stranger for 2 million dollars."

 

The son starts to question, "But dad, that doesn't..." and the dad cuts him off, "just go do it son, and come back and tell me what she says".

 

So the little boy goes to his mom, and asks her, and she replies "wow, that's a tough one, let me think about it... yes...I'd have to say yes, for 2 million, I would"

 

The boy runs back to his father, and tells him what his mom says, and the father replies "All right, now go ask your sister the same questions..."

 

The son starts to question, "But dad, that doesn't..." and the dad cuts him off, "just go do it son, and come back and tell me what she says".

 

So the boy goes and finds his sister, and asks her the same question. Immediately she replies "hell yeah, for 2 million I'd do it in a heartbeat!"

 

The boy runs back to his father, and tells him what his sister said. THe father smiles and says "And what have we learned? Do we understand what 'in theory' and 'in practice' mean?"

 

The boy thinks about it for a second, and replies "I think I get it now dad..

 

 

"In Theory, we're sitting on 4 million dollars"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"In Practice, we just live with a couple of whores"

[dease42]

someone just sent me this, made me laugh...

 

http://www.ksdk.com/news/national/story.aspx?storyid=195855&catid=28

[Gire]

A little boy comes up to his father, and asks "Daddy, what's the difference between 'in theory' and 'in practice'? I've heard it a couple times, and I don't get it"

 

The father replies "Son, that's a tough question to answer... let me show you an example, and maybe you can figure it out for yourself..."

 

"Here's what you do, go into the kitchen, and ask your mother if she'd sleep with a stranger for 2 million dollars."

 

The son starts to question, "But dad, that doesn't..." and the dad cuts him off, "just go do it son, and come back and tell me what she says".

 

So the little boy goes to his mom, and asks her, and she replies "wow, that's a tough one, let me think about it... yes...I'd have to say yes, for 2 million, I would"

 

The boy runs back to his father, and tells him what his mom says, and the father replies "All right, now go ask your sister the same questions..."

 

The son starts to question, "But dad, that doesn't..." and the dad cuts him off, "just go do it son, and come back and tell me what she says".

 

So the boy goes and finds his sister, and asks her the same question. Immediately she replies "hell yeah, for 2 million I'd do it in a heartbeat!"

 

The boy runs back to his father, and tells him what his sister said. THe father smiles and says "And what have we learned? Do we understand what 'in theory' and 'in practice' mean?"

 

The boy thinks about it for a second, and replies "I think I get it now dad..

 

 

"In Theory, we're sitting on 4 million dollars"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"In Practice, we just live with a couple of whores"

 

Laughing out loud!!:lol:

[Gire]

Calories Burned During Sex:

 

 

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:

With her consent.................................12 Calories

Without her consent...........................2,187 Calories

 

OPENING HER BRA:

With both hands.................................. 8 Calories

With one hand....................................12 Calories

With your teeth.................................485 Calories

 

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:

With an erection..................................6 Calories

Without an erection...........................3,315 Calories

 

POSITIONS:

Missionary...................................12 Calories

69 lying down...............................78 Calories

69 standing up..............................812 Calories

Wheelbarrow................................216 Calories

Doggy Style..................................326 Calories

Italian chandelier..........................2,912 Calories

 

ORGASMS:

Real........................................112 Calories

Fake..........................................1,315 Calories

 

POST ORGASM:

Lying in bed hugging.............................18 Calories

Getting up immediately.........................36 Calories

Explaining why you got out of bed immediately...816 Calories

 

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:

20-29 years......................................36 Calories

30-39 years......................................80 Calories

40-49 years.....................................124 Calories

50-59 years...................................1,972 Calories

60-69 years...................................7,916 Calories *****

70 and over........................Results are still pending

 

DRESSING AFTERWARDS

Calmly..........................................32 Calories

In a hurry.......................................98 Calories

With her father knocking at the door..........5,218 Calories

With her husband knocking at the door......8,775 Calories

With your wife knocking at the door..........13,521 Calories