Friday Funny jokes- GO!

[700watts]

A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose "Carmen". "What's your name?" she asked. He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."

 

 

 

 

:lol:

[CapnJack]

Not Friday, but I wish it were...

 

Two little old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke. That's the only place they were allowed to smoke, but then it started to rain. One of the old ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.

 

The second lady asked "What is that?"

 

The first old lady replied, "A condom. It keeps'em dry."

 

The second old lady then asks, "Where'd you get it?"

 

The first old lady replied, "You can get them at any drugstore."

 

The next day the second old lady hobbles into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a package of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely. She is, after all, in her 80's.

 

He then politely asks what brand she prefers.

 

"Doesn't matter," she replies "as long as it fits a Camel."

[dudeondacouch]

[BENCOB]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested.

"I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

 

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.

He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

 

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat.

The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot.

The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

 

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

 

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

 

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$550.00!" she cried, "$550.00 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

 

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $5.00, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $550.00"

Edited January 3, 2014 by BENCOB
REDUCING FONT SIZE

[ehsnils]

Jim forgot his

wedding anniversary. His wife was mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect

to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT

BETTER BE THERE!!!" The next morning when his wife woke up, she looked out the

window to find a box… gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She opened it

and found a brand new bathroom scale. . . Jim has been missing since Friday!

[TrueWhiteBoy]

Bit of an old one, but I don't remember it being posted here.

-------------------------------------------------

 

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.

 

"Magic Beer", he says

 

She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after that there is no one else worth talking to,goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says,"That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"

 

"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window,flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window.

 

The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."

 

He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.

 

She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."

 

She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

 

The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk!"

[Brett]

lol i've heard that in so many variations

[Strizzy]

http://img.izismile.com/img/img6/20130517/640/daily_picdump_1235_640_high_16.jpg

[ehsnils]

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but,

by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with

the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her

in the morning...

 

************************

 

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers,

so I did. She's 21, and her name's Kathy.

 

*************************

 

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were

shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because

my girlfriend is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our

10th anniversary.

 

**************************

 

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his

class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year!

You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

 

***************************

 

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having

sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

 

***************************

 

A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator

says, "How do you know?" The man says "The sex is about the

same, but the ironing is piling up!"

 

****************************

 

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get

reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said

she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously

haven't been listening."

 

*****************************

 

My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare

for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her

clothes back.

 

******************************

 

The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could

contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to,

but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

[pleaidestar]

Three hookers are on a corner, a red head, a black girl and a blonde..its the end of the night and they're pimp comes around to collect his cash. All three of them take off running down an ally between some buildings and they see three bags so they decide to hide in them.

The pimp sees the three bags and gives them each a kick with his foot...

 

He kicks the the bag which holds the redhead and she says "ouch!"

He kicks the bag which holds the black girl and she says "ouch!".

then he kicks the bag which holds the blonde chick and she says "po-ta-toe".

[Strizzy]

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

 

 

A programmer's wife tell him, "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."

The programmer comes back home with 12 loaves of bread.

 

 

Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have some H2O." The second one says, "I'll have some H2O, too."

The second scientist dies.

 

 

Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas?

Because oct 31 = dec 25

 

 

A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

 

 

This sentence contains exactly threee erors.

 

 

A hundred kilopascals go into a bar.

 

 

A girl walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre.

So he gives it to her.

[dudeondacouch]

This sentence contains exactly threee erors.

 

iseewhatyoudidthere.jpg

[ehsnils]

It's kind of "racist", but whatever...

 

WHAT AISLE IS THE POLISH SAUSAGE ON?

 

 

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

 

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

 

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

 

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

 

"If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

 

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

 

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

 

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

 

Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

 

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

 

The guy says, "Because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"

 

"The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

 

[liljonson]

Racism is funny. Especially when people get butt hurt over it:D

 

Sent from my Galaxy Nexus using Tapatalk 2

[TrueWhiteBoy]

I don't find that funny at all.

I've been to three Home Depots now and no one has been able to give me a straight answer.

[Gire]

I can get Subway sandwiches at all my local Home Depots. Yummy!

 

But I'd rather sink my teeth into a nice polish sausage instead.

 

 

 

 

Wait...

[ehsnils]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him. "Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel"? He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

[JJBerk]

Guy walks into a bar - 3 blondes sitting at a table yelling '56 days!', 'wohoo!', '56 days!'. Guy walks over and asks what they are celebrating. One of the blondes says, 'we did the puzzle in 56 days!!!! The box says 2-3 years!'

[ehsnils]

A small church had a very attractive big busted organist, and her

breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played

the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation

considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled.

They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another

organist. So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly about

the problem, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub

them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to

shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green

persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker

up, and you won't be able to talk properly for awhile.

 

The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it. The following Sunday morning

the minister walked up to the pulpit and said...

 

“Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday”

[ehsnils]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his

Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical

exam.

 

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take

this jar home and bring back a semen sample

tomorrow.'

 

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared

at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,

which was as clean and empty as on the

previous day.

 

The doctor asked what happened and the man

explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried

with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried

with my left hand, but still nothing.

 

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with

her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.

She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,

then with her teeth out, still nothing.

 

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door

and she tried too, first with both hands, then an

armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between

her knees, but still nothing.'

 

The doctor was shocked!

'You asked your neighbor?'

 

The old man replied,

'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

[Scooby Fan]

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every

problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and

on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and

unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist

got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he

embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with

a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a

daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs

at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on

Fridays, I fish."

[ehsnils]

http://i59.photobucket.com/albums/g317/H2H_PHOTOS/MS%20250/bar.png

[ehsnils]

Log On: Makin' the wood stove hotter.

 

Log Off: Don't add no wood.

 

Monitor: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.

 

Download: Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.

 

Mega Hertz: When yer not careful down loadin'.

 

Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from pilin' too much firewood.

 

Ram: The hydrolic thingy that splits the firewood.

 

Hard Drive: Getting' home in the winter season.

 

Prompt: What you wish the mail was in the winter.

 

Windows: What to shut when it's below 15 below.

 

Screen: What 'cha need for the black fly season.

 

Byte: That's what the flies do.

 

Chip: What to munch on.

 

Micro Chip: What's left in the bottom of the bag.

 

Infrared: Where the left-overs go when Fred's around.

 

Modem: What 'cha did to the hay fields.

 

Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix's wife.

 

Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy.

 

Keyboard: Where ya hang your keys.

 

Software: Them plastic eatin' utensils.

 

Mouse: Whats eats the horses grain.

 

Main Frame: Hold up the barn roof.

 

Port: Fancy wine.

 

Enter: C'mon in.

 

Random Access Memory: You can't remember whatcha' paid for that new rifle when your wife asks.

[BENCOB]

It's not friday but I just came across this from an e-mail that is more than 10 years old >

God is sitting in heaven when a scientist said to Him.

"God, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing - in other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning."

"Oh, is that so? Tell Me..." replies God.

"Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man."

"Well, that's very interesting...show Me."

So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the shape of a man.

"No, no, no..." interrupts God, "Get your own dirt."

[ehsnils]

Today Friday the 13th there was a flight AY666 to HEL. And you could have been seated on row 13 on that flight.