Friday Funny jokes- GO!

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During a recent company password audit, it was found that a blonde

secretary was using the following password:

 

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento."

 

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that

her password had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least

one capital.

[ehsnils]

http://d24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net/photo/255123_700b.jpg

[ehsnils]

http://d24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net/photo/260239_700b.jpg

[ehsnils]

http://d24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net/photo/267455_700b.jpg

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TEXAS MIDGET

Good doctor gets to the root of the problem.

 

 

The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time.

 

The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor

 

told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.

 

 

The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining

 

table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left

 

testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to

 

check for a hernia.

 

 

"Hmm..."mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right

 

testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.

 

 

"Aha!" said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors....

 

 

Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side . . . then snip-snip-snip-snip on the

 

left side.

 

 

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement

 

that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk

 

around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.

 

 

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his

 

testicles were no longer aching.

 

 

The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect

 

Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"

 

 

The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots..."

[ehsnils]

1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?

 

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

 

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

 

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

 

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

 

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

 

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

 

8. What was the President's Name in 1975?

 

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

 

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

 

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

 

____________________________________

 

Here are the Answers

 

1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?

Answer: Johnny of course

 

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

Answer: Meat.

 

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn't discovered yet. [You're not very good at this are you?]

 

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

 

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

Answer: Incorrectly (hang in there sunshine!)

 

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere (duh!)

 

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

Answer: You can't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

 

8. What was the President's Name in 1975?

Answer: Same as is it now - Barack Obama [Oh, come on ...]

 

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.

 

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Really now!]

 

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack.

[ehsnils]

OK, not friday, but whatever...

 

DEMOCRAT

You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none.

You feel guilty for being successful.

You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.

REPUBLICAN

You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none.

So?

SOCIALIST

You have two cows.

The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST

You have two cows.

The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

You wait in line for hours to get it.

It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

 

BUREAUCRACY, CANADIAN STYLE

You have two cows.

Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pour the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.

You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.

You are surprised when one cow drops dead.

You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.

Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike because you want three cows.

You go to lunch and drink wine.

Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.

Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.

Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.

You break for lunch.

Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You drink some vodka.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You drink some more vodka.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION

You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two.

You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.

You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION

You have two cows.

They go into hiding.

They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION

You have two bulls.

Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION

You have one cow.

The cow is schizophrenic.

Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.

The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.

The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.

The cow asks permission to be cut in half.

The cow dies happy.

SWEDISH CORPORATION

You have one cow and one bull.

The EU pays you to castrate the bull and then pays you again to

use the bull to get more livestock, then orders you to slaughter

the cow since it’s improductive.

 

FLORIDA CORPORATION

You have a black cow and a brown cow.

Everyone votes for the best looking one.

Some of the people who actually like the brown one accidentally vote for the black one.

Some people vote for both.

Some people vote for neither.

Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.

Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION

You have millions of cows.

They make real California cheese.

Only five speak English.

Most are illegal.

Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

[ehsnils]

Black Testicles

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,

Wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose,

Still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask

'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies

'I don't know,Sir.

I'm only here to wash your upper body..'

He struggles to ask again,

'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly

pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his

Testicles in the other,lifting and moving them around and around gently.

Then, she takes a close look and says,

... 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong

With them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and

Says very slowly,

'Thank you very much.

That was wonderful, but listen

Very, very closely......

' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ?'

[ShrinerMonkey]

Wanna lose 10 pounds of ugly fat?

 

 

 

Cut off your head.

[ehsnils]

Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his

sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

 

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said,

'You died in your sleep, Ed.'

Ed was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too

much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go

back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm

near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with

feathers, clucking and pecking the ground..

rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh?

How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ed the hen, 'but I have this strange

feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've

never laid an egg before?' 'Never,' said Ed.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.

He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming..

 

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the

back of his head, and heard.....

"Ed, wake up! You shit the bed!"

 

Getting OLD just ain't what they said it would be!

[ehsnils]

THE WEDDING NIGHT

 

Fred and Mary got married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they went back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together.

 

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother,

gets up and has his breakfast.

 

As he is going out of the door to go to school,

he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

 

She replies, "No."

 

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think ?"

 

His Mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think ,

Just go to school ! "

 

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his Mom,

"Are Fred and Mary up yet ?" She replies, "No.."

 

Johnny says, "Do you know what I think ?"

 

His Mom resplies, "Never mind what you think ,

Eat your lunch and go back to school ! "

 

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet ?"

 

His Mom says, "No.."

 

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think ?"

 

His Mom replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think ?"

 

 

He says, "Last night Fred came to my room

for the Vaseline and I think ,,,,

 

I gave him my airplane glue !!

[ehsnils]

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside

Washington, DC. Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

 

The driver rolls down the window and asks,

“What’s going on?”

 

“Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they’re asking for

a $100 million dollar ransom.

Otherwise, they are going to douse them

all in gasoline and set them on fire.

 

We are going from car to car, collecting donations.”

 

“How much is everyone giving, on average?”

the driver asks.

 

The man replies, “Roughly a gallon.”

[ehsnils]

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

 

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a 'BREASTED AMERICAN.'

 

 

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

 

 

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

 

 

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

 

 

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

 

 

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER.'

 

 

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

 

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

 

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

 

3.. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He ' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

 

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

 

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

 

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'TROUSER CLEAVAGE.'

[ehsnils]

Every day, a male employee walks up very close

to a female co-worker at the coffee machine.

He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her

hair smells nice.

 

After a week of this, the woman can't stand it

anymore. She takes her issue to a supervisor in

Human Resources and asks to file a sexual

harassment grievance against the guy.

 

The supervisor is puzzled and asks,

"What's threatening about a co-worker

telling you your hair smells nice?"

 

"It's Frank. The midget."

[ehsnils]

http://www.bedug.com/pics/Fun2/cowboy-medicine-joke-fake-challenge-4-days-late-cowboy-wisdo-demotivational-posters-1329974159.jpg

[ehsnils]

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas ,

walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud . He sits

in the back of the room, drinking a sip out

of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes

back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender

approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes

flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one

at a time.." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have

two brothers. One is an Marine, the other is a Navy Seal,

both serving over seas some where. When we all left our

home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to

remember the days when we drank together. So I'm

drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it

there.

 

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks

the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the

regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to

the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want

to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences

on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment,

then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

 

"Oh, no, every body's just fine," he explains, "It's just that

my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit

drinking."

 

"Hasn't affected my brothers though...."

[subymike77]

A man is driving in the country and notices a fruit stand on the side of the road with a peculiar sign. It reads, "FRUITS WITH 2 FLAVORS!". So he stops and asks the clerk, "I saw your sign. What do you mean fruit with two flavors?"

clerk- " Exactly what it says. I sell fruits with 2 flavors. Here, let me show you."

The clerk pulls down what looks like a pear.

clerk-"Take a bite"

The man takes a bite and it tastes like a pear.

man-"It tastes like a pear, big deal!"

clerk-"Turn it around!"

The man turns the pear around and takes a bite of the other side and it tastes like a fresh peach. The best peach he's ever tasted in his life.

man-" That's amazing! How did you do that!?!"

clerk-" This farm has been in my family for generations and my great grandfather started mixing the pollen from different fruits and through alot of trials was able to perfect it. Here, try this one."

The clerk hands the man another fruit and this one looks like an apple. The man takes a bite and it tastes like a delicious apple.

clerk-"Turn it around!"

So the man turns it around and takes a bite and it tastes like a fresh strawberry.

man-"This is incredible!"

clerk-" Well I'll tell ya, I have special one that we've been working on. It takes just like pussy"

I've gotta try this thinks the man.

man-"Ok, let me try it"

The clerk pulls a paper bag out from under the stand and pulls out what looks like a mango and hands it to the man, who takes a huge bite out of it.

man-" Ugghhh! This tastes like shit!"

clerk-" Turn it around!"

[dr_sharp]

What is red and smells like blue paint?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

red paint

[dr_sharp]

Jesus walked on water, Chuck Norris swam through land.

[joelwatts]

that one would be a little better here.

 

http://legacygt.com/forums/showthread.php/chuck-norris-98935.html?t=98935&highlight=chuck+norris

[dr_sharp]

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. But he has never cried.

[c-lo]

my 9 yo daughter is working on a school project on holidays. she picks Canada (my moms side is french canadian).

 

so she talks about all the different holidays they observe, and starts decorating her poster board.

 

she draws a cross on it, then an arrow pointing to it and writes: "This is what they hung Jesus on".

 

ah kids......

[Scooby Fan]

Things you need to know that only parents can teach you??

 

1. My Parents taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside...I just finished cleaning."

2. My Parents taught me RELIGION.

"You better pray that comes out of the carpet."

3. My Parents taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

"If you don't cut it out, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My Parents taught me LOGIC.

"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My Parents taught me MORE LOGIC .

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the shops with me."

6. My Parents taught me FORESIGHT.

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're hit by a bus."

7. My Parents taught me IRONY.

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My Parents taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

"Shut your mouth and eat your dinner."

9. My Parents taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My Parents taught me about STAMINA.

"You'll sit there until all those peas are gone."

11. My Parents taught me about WEATHER.

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My Parents taught me about HYPOCRISY.

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My Parents taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out of it."

14. My Parents taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.

"Stop acting like a goose!"

15. My Parents taught me about ENVY.

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My Parents taught me about ANTICIPATION.

"Just wait until we get home."

17. My Parents taught me about RECEIVING.

"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My Parents taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My Parents taught me ESP.

"Put your jumper on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My Parents taught me HUMOUR.

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

 

21. My Parents taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My Parents taught me GENETICS.

"You're just like your father."

23. My Parents taught me about my ROOTS.

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My Parents taught me WISDOM.

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

 

 

 

25. My Parents taught me about JUSTICE.

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

[bosco]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

 

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

 

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

 

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything.

 

The vet turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

 

The vet patted the dog on the head and took her out of the room. Upon his return, the vet said, "It's been confirmed, your duck, Cuddles, is dead."

 

The distraught woman stared at the vet in disbelief, "You can't be serious, Cuddles might just be in a coma."

 

The vet rolled his eyes and left the room, returning with a cat a few minutes later.

 

The cat jumped on the table, sniffed the bird from head to foot, shook its head and strolled out of the room.

 

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, Cuddles is most definitely, 100% certifiable a dead duck."

 

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.

 

Still in shock, the woman glanced at the bill and cried, "$150.00 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

 

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry, if you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20.00, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.00.

[LuckyBob]

That one belongs in the bad pun thread