Friday Funny jokes- GO!

[ehsnils]

Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?'

 

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

 

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

 

He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,

 

and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you

 

She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag

 

and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.

 

She will praise you!

 

She will bear your children,

 

and she will never wake you up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

 

She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you want.'

 

 

 

Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?'

 

God replied, 'An arm and a leg.'

 

 

 

Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib?'

 

 

 

And now you know the rest of the story............!!!!

[Scooby Fan]

Hell of a Day

 

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

 

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

 

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

 

"This is the worst day of my life," I say.

 

"I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me."

 

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a cyanide capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!

 

But hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"

[ehsnils]

How to write Icelandic: 1) Put a dictionary in a blender 2) Blend 3) Pour onto table. 4) Voila!

[bluesuby]

Little Suzie comes home from school and Mom asks what happened today. Suzie said Jimmy showed her his penis on the way home. Before Mom could say anything Suzie remarked "It reminded me of a peanut". Mom said "You mean it was small?" Suzie answers "No...salty".

[BENCOB]

Two hillbillies, Ed and Red, walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breath?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to thebar.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seen nobody do it!"

Edited January 3, 2014 by BENCOB

[ehsnils]

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

“I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”

He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”

“Nah, she can order for herself.”

 

And that’s when the fight started…..

[Picky1]

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland , UK:

 

 

 

 

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT

 

2. FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART

 

3. FORM A LOOSE GRIP

 

4. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!

 

5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.

 

6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.

 

7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG. THEN LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU

 

8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.

 

9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.

 

10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

 

 

 

"WELL DONE...NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF."

[ehsnils]

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run,

my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take

care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer..

Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the

tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of

sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and

then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute,

and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, “When you finish cutting the grass,

you might as well sweep the driveway..”

 

The doctors say I will walk again,

but I will always have a limp.

[amptramp]

Just ran across this:

 

"Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade."

[Picky1]

Saw this one on BITOG, figured I would pass it along

 

 

Beer & Ferrari's

 

Woman: Do you drink beer? Man: Yes

 

Woman: How many beers a day?

 

Man: Usually about 3

 

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

 

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

 

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

 

Man: About 20 years, I suppose

 

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?

 

Man: Correct

 

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

 

Man: Correct

 

Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

 

Man: Do you drink beer?

 

Woman: No

 

Man: Where's your Ferrari?

[ehsnils]

Not sure if true or not, but whatever...

 

http://www.bedug.com/pics/Fun2/aqmGVoY_460s_v1.jpg

[ehsnils]

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said, "TWO PROSTITUTES . . . $50.00." A policeman seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time another car passed with a sign saying "Jesus Saves." They asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said, "well, that's a little different it pertains to religion." So they took their sign down and the next day there they were, driving around town with a new sign which said, "l;Two Angels Seeking Peter . . . $50.00."

[Picky1]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

 

The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

 

The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60. Perhaps your

radar gun needs calibrating."

 

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says, "Now don't be silly dear, you

know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

 

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and

growls,

"Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once!!?"

 

The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear, you should be thankful your radar

detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."

 

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit,

the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you

keep your mouth shut?"

 

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat

belt, sir.

That's an automatic fine."

 

The driver says, "Yeah, well you see officer, I had it on but I took it off when

you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

 

The wife says, "Now dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt

on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

 

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to

his wife and barks, "WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

 

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to

you this way, Ma'am?"

.

.

.

.

.

"Only when he's been drinking!"

[BENCOB]

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

 

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well

 

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

 

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving.

I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

 

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

 

This gives two possibilities:

 

If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

 

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,'

and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven,

thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

Edited January 5, 2014 by BENCOB

[KartRacerBoy]

Oldie but goodie.

[BENCOB]

Oldie but goodie.

 

Right, quite old actually but I first saw it the other day on fb and I totally laughed!

My immediate thought was to post it here, it may even be a repost (I did not check)......

For those that care to read more about its history > http://www.snopes.com/college/exam/hell.asp

[Scooby Fan]

WALKING ON THE GRASS

 

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

 

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.

Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles

and will make delivery that much easier.

 

Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft

surface like grass or a path."

 

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you

to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good

for you both."

 

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this

information.

 

After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back

of the room, slowly raised his hand.

 

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

 

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf

bag while we walk?"

 

 

Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

 

This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.

 

 

[Picky1]

The wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

 

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

 

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

 

Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

 

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

 

Hi, sweetheart," he says. "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom.

 

Did you say hi?"

[ehsnils]

When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

 

Making a mental note so I could complain to my local MP about this running amok security crap, I did just as she had instructed.

 

After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card.

 

Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

 

They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors.

Man I hate this getting older stuff.

[ehsnils]

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-cfmxdPrPceM/Uvm0pRUP7oI/AAAAAAAAOA0/Lfq5b5gttlM/s1600/Sweetie.jpg

[ehsnils]

Click link, then click the "Listen" button:

http://translate.google.com/#ja/hmn/.................

[ehsnils]

http://i1213.photobucket.com/albums/cc462/MrEs_photos/funny%2015/57rzj.jpg

[ehsnils]

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

 

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

 

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

 

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.

 

I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

 

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.

 

I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

 

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

 

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

 

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.

 

I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

 

Guess where I am now...

[JmP6889928]

The other night I had spent some time with my friends at a local establishment and we had imbibed some adult beverages. I started with a couple of beers, moved up to some chasers to go with the beers and finally ended up doing shots as we all yelled at each one and had a great time.

 

I knew I had "involved" myself with too much alcohol that night, so I decided to do something I had never done before. I decided to take a cab home.

 

On the way home, sure enough, there was a checkpoint that was testing people for alcohol consumption but because I was in a cab, they just waved me through and I thought to myself, this is the way to do it and not have to worry going home after a night of fun. I arrived home safely and went to bed.

 

The biggest problem I have now is, what do I do with the cab? It's parked in my garage and I have no idea where it actually came from or where I should take it.

 

Does anyone have any ideas? :lol:

[ehsnils]

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes..

 

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

 

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What’s your occupation?"

 

"I'm a prostitute," she says.

 

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, " Let's try to rephrase that."

 

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

 

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

 

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

 

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

 

"Well, I hand raised a thousand cocks last year."

 

"Chicken Farmer it is."