Friday Funny jokes- GO!

[ehsnils]

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way worker paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The United Way guy opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?'

 

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh... no, I didn't know that.'

 

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

 

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.'

 

And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?'

[SBT]

So a man walks into a bar...

 

 

http://i.imgur.com/22ahsll.jpg

[Dishwasher]

So a man walks into a bar...

 

 

http://i.imgur.com/22ahsll.jpg

 

Literally writes itself.

[Scooby Fan]

Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven

 

The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”

 

The angel asked Stormy if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Stormy took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”

 

The angel thanked Stormy, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.

 

The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.

 

The Angel immediately said: "Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.”

 

Stormy was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?”

 

"Sorry, Stormy," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are."

[ehsnils]

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me AGAIN, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. "Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?" I asked.

 

Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.

 

She was "only thinking of me," she said, and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with some of the other old fellows.

 

So I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her. I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.

 

She replied, "Are you nuts? You are over 71 and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

 

I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.

 

She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

 

“Oh man, I'm in trouble again," I said. "I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!"

 

The line went dead.

 

Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.

[ehsnils]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man picks up with the speaker phone on and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops talking.

 

MAN: ”Hello?”

WOMAN: “Hi Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

MAN: “Yes.”

WOMAN: “I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”

MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”

WOMAN:”I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked.”

MAN: ”How much?”

WOMAN: “$50,000.”

MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing… I was just talking to Kate and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $980,000 for it.”

MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it’s what you really want.”

WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!”

MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”

 

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, “Anyone know who’s phone this is?”

[SBT]

[ehsnils]

http://www.bedug.com/pics/Fun4/41508806_257280991644165_3479000711797145600_n.jpg

[SBT]

To all you old fahts, and those or us who will eventually become one.

Edited September 17, 2018 by SBT

[SBT]

[ehsnils]

My son, the Veterinarian

 

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor

of a small church found a pink envelope containing

$1,000. It happened again the next week!

 

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw

an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on

the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by

curiosity, approached her.

 

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the

collection plate," he stated.

 

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give

some of it to the church."

 

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you

sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"

 

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

 

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do

for a living?"

 

"He is a veterinarian," she answered..

 

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much

money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

 

The woman answered proudly, "in Nevada. He has two cat houses, one

in Las Vegas, and one in Reno '

[ehsnils]

Two old men had been friends most of their lives. When it was clear that Frank was dying, Leonard visited him every day.

 

One day Leonard said, "Frank, we both loved playing golf all our lives, and we started playing in high school. Please do me one favor: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's golf there.”

 

Frank looked up at Leonard from his deathbed and said, "Leonard, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.”

 

Shortly after that, Frank died.

 

A few weeks later, Leonard was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Leonard!”

 

"Who is it?" asked Leonard, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?”

 

"Leonard, it's me, Frank.”

 

"You're not Frank. Frank just died.”

 

"I'm telling you, it's me, Frank," insisted the voice.

 

"Frank! Where are you?"

 

"In heaven," replied Frank. "I have some really good news and a little bad news.

 

“Tell me the good news first," said Leonard.

 

“The good news," Frank said with joy and enthusiasm, "is that there is golf in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here too. Even better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always Summertime and it never rains. And best of all, we can play golf all we want, and we never get tired. And we get to play with all the greats of the past.”

 

"That's fantastic," said Leonard. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"

 

"You're in my foursome this Saturday."

[Scooby Fan]

Picked up a hitch-hiker. Seemed like a nice guy.

After a few minutes, he asked me if I wasn't afraid that he might be a serial killer?

 

I told him that the odds of two serial killers being in the same car was extremely unlikely.

[ehsnils]

LONDON LAWYER V GLASGOW COP

 

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any cop.

 

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense.

 

Glasgow cop says," License and registration, please."

 

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

 

Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

 

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

 

Glasgow cop says,"Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration please

 

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

 

Glasgow cop says,"The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, License and registration, please!"

 

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

 

Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

 

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

 

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the heck out of the lawyer and says, "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"

[JmP6889928]

So....2 beavers walk into a convenience store.......

 

https://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/news/national/ill-be-dammed-pair-of-beavers-visit-convenience-store/video/81e23f77966b5ebb1b4acd13db8e4f29

[JmP6889928]

Bill is traveling for business and one night, he goes to the hotel bar.

He strikes up a conversation with a very lovely lady and they chat for a couple of hours. They have a lot of laughs and the conversation is very comfortable and it has it's own bits of innuendo.

She tells him how she loves the outdoors and sitting under a nice shade tree when it's hot outdoors.

So Bill asks her "Do you know the difference between fried chicken and a penis?"

She thinks about it, giggling a bit, thinks a bit more, and says no, why?

Bill says "Would you like to go on a picnic?"

[DrD123]

Robots will be our undoing!

[JmP6889928]

Last line is supposed to be "Robot for sale-CHEAP"

[SBT]

[ehsnils]

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy had been looking out of the window. He turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother couldn't think of an answer. She told her son to ask the flight attendant.

 

The boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The busy flight attendant smiled and asked the boy, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy replied, "Yes, she did."

 

“Well," said the flight attendant, "you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you.”

[BDII]

[SBT]

Good'un

[ehsnils]

Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

 

 

 

A: Follow the fresh prints!

[ehsnils]

A woman went o a garage sale and bought one of those tall narrow mirrors that you attach to your bathroom door. As she was paying for it the lady having the sale said, "This mirror is supposed to grant wishes." The purchaser rolled her eyes and said, "Yeah, right." She took the mirror home and hung it on the bathroom door and decided to take a shower. After coming out, she stood in front of it and she did not like what she saw. She was pretty flat. On a whim, she said, "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my bust a forty-four." And, "BOOM! BOOM! " Instant Dolly Parton! She was absolute ecstatic over her new dimensions, and when her husband came home from work, he was even more so. He took a shower, and when he came out he also looked at himself in the mirror and didn't like what he saw. It was pretty short. So, he said, "Mirror, mirror on the wall, make my p**ker reach the floor." And BOOM! BOOM! Both his legs fell off.

[Scooby Fan]

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by

one of the younger doctors.

After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst

out screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was

and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another

room. Then the older doctor marched down the hallway back

to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.

"What the hell is the matter with you?" the older doctor

demanded. "Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown

children and seven grandchildren and you told her she was

pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and without even

looking up said, “Well…does she still have the hiccups?”