Friday Funny jokes- GO!

[Scooby Fan]

Few people know that the late Mr. Maxwell, founder of Maxwell House Coffee, was a veteran skydiver and RVer. Near his hometown, it was common to find Mr. Maxwell at the airport in his Avion Fifth Wheel, relaxing and visiting with his many friends as he waited for his next jump. One fateful day, however, something went terribly wrong, and his parachute failed to open. His friends and employees were horrified, to say the least, at the demise of this very kind and gentle man. And so when it came to preparing his epitaph, they had no problem finding the words:

 

“Mr. Maxwell … good to the last drop.”

[doithuong]

Is it all a joke?

[Scooby Fan]

Is it all a joke?

 

Yup....Maxwell House Coffee was named after the Maxwell House Hotel in Nashville....the creator of the coffee brand was a guy named Owsley

[ehsnils]

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

 

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

 

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

[ehsnils]

What's the difference between light and hard?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I can sleep with a light on.

[Scooby Fan]

Is it actually possible to give more than 100%?

 

 

Maybe so!!

 

 

 

This answer comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 years experience.

 

It has an indisputable mathematical logic.

 

What Makes 100%? Here’s a mathematical point of view.

 

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

 

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

 

How about achieving 103%?

 

What makes up 100% in life?

 

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

 

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

 

Is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

 

Then:

 

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

 

And,

 

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

 

But ,

 

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

 

And,

 

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

 

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

 

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

 

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there. Its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

 

Now you know why Politicians are where they are!

[ehsnils]

Just a half-joke in these times:

"My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.

I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!

She laughed.

I laughed.

Alexa laughed.

Siri laughed"

 

Think about who is listening to your business conversation now that many of us are working from home.

[ehsnils]

A man suffering from Covid-19 is in the hospital, where he has IV’s and an oxygen mask.

 

A cute, young student nurse comes in to give him a partial sponge bath. While she is doing so, he asks “Are my testicles black?”

 

She is a bit embarrassed, so tells him that she is only there to wash his upper body and feet. He replies “Fine, but are my testicles black?”

 

Figuring that, as a nurse, she’ll see all sorts of stuff, she relents and lifts his gown. Holding his “manhood” in one hand, she uses the other to carefully inspect things, and announces that everything seems to be fine.

 

The man takes off his oxygen mask and says “Thank you. That was very nice, but please listen to me carefully.” Then slowly says “Are...my...test...results...back?”

[ehsnils]

Q: What is an Economic Stimulus?

A: It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

 

Q: Where will the government get this money?

A: From taxpayers.

 

Q: Is the government simply giving me back my own money, then?

A: No, only a smidgen of it.

 

Q: What is the purpose of this payment?

A: The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high definition television set, a new iPad, or a new SUV, thus stimulating the economy.

 

Q: Isn’t that stimulating the economy of China?

A: Shut up.

 

ADVICE:

 

* If you spend the stimulus money at Walmart the money will go to China or Sri Lanka.

* If you spend it on gasoline, it money will go to the Arabs.

* If you purchase a computer, it goes to India, Taiwan or China.

* If you purchase fruits and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala.

* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.

* If you purchase useless stuff, it goes to Taiwan.

* If you pay your credit card off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

 

Instead, keep the money in North America by:

 

* Spend it at a yard sale or thrift shop, or

* Going to a ballgame, or

* Spending it on prostitutes, or

* Beer, and/or Recreational Marijuana

* Tattoos

 

CONCLUSION:

 

* Attend a ballgame with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day and smoke weed that night.

[ehsnils]

In biblical times, the righteous women of the town had cornered a prostitute between two connecting walls and were gathering rocks to stone her to death. Sudden a tall figure in a long white robe and a halo came upon the scene. Yep, it was J. C. himself! And he called out, "Hold! If there be one of you who is without sin, let her cast the first stone!" And the women froze, and looked down in shame. Then one of the women suddenly bent down, picked up a stone and flung it at the prostitute, hitting her squarely on the head, and she dropped dead. And J. C. was saddened, and said, "Mother, I wish you hadn't done that."

[ehsnils]

A father put his 3-year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Momma, Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye to Grandpa." The father asked, "Why did you say goodby to Grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know Daddy, it just seemed to be the thing to do."

 

The next day the grandfather died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

 

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this,"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good bye Grandma."

 

The next day the grandmother died.

 

"Holy crap," thought the father, "this kid is in touch with the other side."

 

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

 

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.

 

He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day, he stayed there, drinking coffee and staring at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

 

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I just spent the worst day of my life."

 

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting."

[Dishwasher]

[ehsnils]

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

 

To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.

 

When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

 

Cop: “Please step out of the car.”

Me: “I’m too drunk. You get in.”

 

I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

 

I had my patience tested. I’m negative.

 

Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.

 

If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”

 

When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

 

Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is new midnight.

 

I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

 

I run like the winded.

 

I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.

 

When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”

 

I don’t remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.

 

When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

 

I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

 

When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”

 

That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.

 

Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life outta nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

 

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

 

My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

[ammcinnis]

"Did you ever get the feeling that the world was a black tuxedo and you were a pair of brown shoes?" ~ George Gobel

[ehsnils]

SOME INDUSTRIES HAVE MORE UPSIDE THAN OTHERS……

 

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner where a shoe shine is always located.

 

He sits on the couch, examines the Wall Street Journal, and the shoe shine gives his shoes a shiny, excellent look.

 

One morning the shoeshine asks the Executive Director:

 

What do you think about the situation in the stock market?

 

The Director asks in turn arrogantly:

 

Why are you so interested in that topic?

 

"I have a million dollars in your bank," the shoeshine says, "and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market."

 

What your name? asks the Director.

 

John H. Smith

 

The Director arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Customer Department:

 

Do we have a client named John H. Smith?

 

"Certainly", answers the Customer Service Manager, "he is a highly esteemed customer. He has a million dollars in his account."

 

The Director comes out, approaches the shoeshine, and says:

 

"Mr. Smith, I ask you this coming Monday to be the guest of honor at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I am sure we will have something to learn from you."

 

At the board meeting, the Executive Director introduces him to the board members:

 

We all know Mr. Smith, who makes our shoes shine in the corner; But Mr. Smith is also our esteemed customer with a million dollars in his account. I invited him to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can learn from him.

 

Mr. Smith began his story:

 

"I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. Suddenly I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options: eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for two dollars and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business. When I started accumulating dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes. I didn't spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and ointments in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny. After a while I was able to buy an armchair so that my clients could sit comfortably while cleaning their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every penny. A few years ago, when the previous shoe shine on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place. Finally, three months ago, my sister, who was a whore in Chicago, passed away and left me a million dollars".

[ehsnils]

Our agency sent a typical death notice broadcast email, in this case concerning the grandmother of an unusually cheerful member who worked with us from another office.

 

In the next day or so, the member stopped into our office on business. One of my co-workers immediately sympathized, saying "I'm sorry you lost your grandmother."

 

The member quickly replied with a straight face, "We didn't lose her. She's in the back room at the funeral parlor."

[Scooby Fan]

This is a very sad story of a man's horribly haunting depression.

 

Marcel was sick and tired of the world; of Covid 19, Brexit, Russian and Chinese belligerence, global warming, racial tensions and the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy media headlines.

 

 

Marcel drove his car into his garage and then sealed every doorway and window as best he could.

 

 

He got back into his car and wound down all the windows, selected his favourite radio station and started the car.

 

 

Four days later, a worried neighbour peered through his garage window and saw him in the car.

 

 

She notified the emergency services and they broke in, pulling Marcel from the car, and gave him a little sip of water.

 

 

And, surprisingly, he was in perfect condition, but his Tesla had a dead battery.

[Scooby Fan]

A good old Alabama boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing.

He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says,

 

“What you gonna do with that. There ain’t no water deep enough

to float a boat within 100 miles of here.”

 

He says, “I won it and I’m a-gonna keep it.”

 

His brother came over to visit several days later.

He sees the wife and asks where his brother is.

 

She says, “He’s out there in his bass boat”,

pointing to the field behind the house.

 

The brother heads out behind the house and sees

his brother in the middle of a big field sitting

in a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand.

He yells out to him, “What are you doin’?”

 

His brother replies,

“I’m fishin’. What does it look like I’m a doin’?”

 

His brother yells,

“It’s people like you that give people from Alabama

a bad name, makin’ everybody think we’re stupid.

If I could swim, I’d come out there and whip your ass!”

[Scooby Fan]

Ned the Mailman’s last day at work....

 

 

 

 

 

As he did his final rounds, he reached the door of the first house and was greeted by a elderly couple who gave him a gift certificate. At the next house, the entire family gave him a set of fishing lures, and at the third house, he received a box of fine cigars.

 

 

 

But at the next house, he was greeted by a sexy blonde wearing a skimpy negligee. Without a word, she signaled him to come inside. She gently took him upstairs and proceeded to make mad passionate love to him. Ned certainly didn't mind.

 

 

 

She then led him downstairs where she made him a huge breakfast of toast, sausage, eggs, and hash-browns. Ned was truly satisfied. As he leaned forward to get his second cup of coffee, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup.

 

 

 

Curious, he asked the blonde, ”This is all wonderful and I appreciate everything...but…what’s the dollar for?”

 

 

 

“Oh”, says the blonde, “I asked my husband last night what we should give you for your retirement. He said ‘Screw him! Give him a dollar!’"

 

 

 

She beamed at him. "The breakfast part was my idea!”

[amptramp]

The Parrot and Thanksgiving

 

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

 

Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

 

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

 

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

 

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

 

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

 

HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO MY AMERICAN FRIENDS!

[ehsnils]

Some primal termite tasted wood

And savored it, and found it good.

And that is why your sister May

fell through the parlor floor today.

 

 

-Ogden Nash

[ehsnils]

A pretty girl at the top of a cliff is about to jump.

 

Hobo: "If you're going to kill yourself, how about sex first?"

Girl: "Eww, no chance!"

Hobo: "Fine, I'll go wait at the bottom."

[ehsnils]

"Know why the British never manufactured a refrigerator?"

 

"No, why?"

 

"Because they couldn't figure out how to make it leak oil."

[ammcinnis]

Another oldie:

 

"Know why the British drink warm beer?"

 

"No, why?"

 

"Because they all have Lucas refrigerators."

[Scooby Fan]

Back in the '60's there was an article in Car and Driver magazine about Lucas electrics as they pertained to British sports cars.....Lead into the story was a small headline that read....

"On the 7th day God said let there be light....Joe Lucas replied...No need to be hasty about that"

Anyone who has owned British cars from that era will totally understand