Friday Funny jokes- GO!

[wonka]

maybe a repost..

 

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

One Saturday night, as he was sitting in the saloon, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day.

The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition.

"Could you possibly give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Yep, sure will," said the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

"That's terrific!" said the cowboy, "Got any more tips for me?"

"Yep," said the old man, "cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Yep, you bet it will," replied the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and shot a cufflink off the piano player.

"Wow!" said the cowboy, "I'm learnin' somethin' here - got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Nope," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.

[wonka]

My wife and I went to take golf lessons from a pro at the golf club.

 

We meet the pro and headed to the driving range. I went first. I swing and hit the ball 100 yards.

 

The golf pro says, "Not bad, now hold your club as firmly as you hold your wife's breast." I followed his instructions and hit the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says, "Excellent!"

 

My wife takes her turn. She hits the ball 30 yards.

 

The golf pro says, "Not bad, but try holding the club like you hold your husband's penis." She swings and the ball goes 10 yards. The golf pro says, "Not bad, now try taking the club out of your mouth."

[Scooby Fan]

Two obnoxious businessmen in a new shopping mall.....

were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop...

As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

 

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked,

"What are you selling here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old dear said, "Must be doing well... Only two left."

[Picky1]

A young New York woman was so depressed she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. Just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," he said. "I'm a sailor and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy. When we get to Italy you will be SO GLAD you're alive"

 

With nothing to lose and always wanting to see Italy, she accepted.

 

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the ship's hold.

 

From then on, every night, he would bring her sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.

 

Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

 

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

 

"I have an arrangement with a sailor," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy." "I see," the captain says.

 

Then her conscience got the best of her, and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

 

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

[wonka]

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

 

Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

 

Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

 

Boss: Yes.

 

Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.

 

Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.

 

 

Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.

 

Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?

 

Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!

 

Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?

 

Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!

[amptramp]

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a barstool.

 

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip.

I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

 

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

 

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

 

"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..."

 

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim?

 

And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."

 

"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.

 

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

[wonka]

I was kidnapped by a group of mimes

 

They performed unspeakable acts on me...

[wonka]

Athiest and the Lochness Monster

 

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness Monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat at least a hundred feet into the air. It then opened it's mouth waiting below to swallow them both.

 

As the man sailed head over heels and started to fall towards the open jaws of the ferocious beast he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"

 

Suddenly, the scene froze in place and as the atheist hung in midair a booming voice came out of the clouds and said, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

 

"God, come on, give me a break!" the man pleaded, "Just seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness Monster either!"

 

"Well," said God, "now that you are a believer, you must understand that I won't work miracles to snatch you from certain death in the jaws of the monster, but I can change hearts. What would you have me do?"

 

The atheist thinks for a minute then says, "God, please have the Loch Ness Monster believe in You also.

 

"God replies, "So be it."

 

The scene starts in motion again with the atheist falling towards the ravenous jaws of the monster. The Loch Ness Monster folds his claws together and says, "Lord, bless this food You have so graciously provided . . ."

[ehsnils]

How many internet forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

 

• 1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
  
• 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
  
• 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
  
• 1 to move it to the Lighting section
  
• 2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
  
• 7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
  
• 5 to flame the spell checkers
  
• 3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
  
• 6 to argue over whether it's lightbulb or light bulb ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
  
• 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is lamp
  
• 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that light bulb is perfectly correct
  
• 19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
  
• 11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
  
• 36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
  
• 7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
  
• 4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
  
• 3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
  
• 13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add Me too
  
• 5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
  
• 4 to say didn't we go through this already a short time ago?
  
• 13 to say do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs
  
• 1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
  
• 1 mod to lock it down after it goes off-track for the nth time...
  

[ehsnils]

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

_________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

____________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death..

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

___________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral...

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

 

______________________________________

And last:

 

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No..

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[Scooby Fan]

My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds. Only 15 to go.

 

Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.

 

How to prepare Tofu:

1. Throw it in the trash.

2. Grill some Meat.

 

I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

 

I don't mean to brag but......I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

 

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

 

Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

 

Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

 

Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school?

Me neither.

 

I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented....I forgot where I was going with this.

 

I love being over 60. I learn something new every day.......and forget 5 others.

 

A thief broke into my house last night......He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.

 

My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like: I KNOW! Right?

 

I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

 

 

 

 

[ehsnils]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

 

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

 

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

 

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

 

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having

sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

 

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

 

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

 

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

 

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must have had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

 

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

 

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.

[ehsnils]

[Scooby Fan]

There was a Mensa convention in San Francisco.

Mensa, as you probably know, is a national organization for

people who have an IQ of 140 or higher. Several of the Mensa members went out for lunch at a local café.

When they sat down, one of them discovered

that their salt shaker contained pepper, and their pepper shaker was full of salt.

How could they swap the contents of the two bottles without spilling any, and using only the implements at hand?

Clearly, this was a job for Mensa minds.

The group debated the problem and presented ideas and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a

straw, and an empty saucer.

They called the waitress over, ready to dazzle her with their solution.

"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker has pepper."

But before they could finish, the waitress interrupted: " Oh sorry about that."

She leaned over the table, unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.

There was dead silence at the Mensa table.

Kind of reminds you of Washington D.C., doesn't it?

[ehsnils]

http://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20160526/4030cce8083eb7a9c07c01cb1d3668b9.jpg

[stm25rs]

When does CPR become necrophilia?

 

 

 

When you're both stiff.

[SBT]

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on."

She told him "You are one hole behind me.

I'm on 7; you're on 6."

 

He thanked her and continued playing golf.

 

On the back nine he got lost again.

He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm Sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13."

 

Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.

 

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living.

 

"I'm in sales."

 

He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?"

 

She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to Know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh.

 

He promised. She said, "I sell tampons".

 

He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.

 

She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".

 

He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you."

 

 

Bah Dah Bing!

[ehsnils]

60 Years together

 

Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

 

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed Son No. 1. 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift." "Not to worry," said the father. "Important thing is we're all together today."

 

Son No. 2 arrived. "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Montreal between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you. “It’s nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."

 

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

 

After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college.

Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

 

The three children gasped and said,

 

"WHAT? You mean we're bastards?"

 

"Yep", said the father. "Cheap ones, too . . ."

[Scooby Fan]

Owner / CEO of Starbucks managed to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

 

 

 

 

 

 

After receiving the papal blessing, the Starbucks official whispers, "Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Starbucks is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.'

 

 

 

 

 

The Pope responds, "That is impossible ! The prayer is the word of the Lord. It MUST NOT be changed !"

 

 

 

 

 

"Well," says the Starbucks man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million."

 

 

 

 

 

"My son, it is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord, and it MUST NOT be changed."

 

 

 

 

 

The Starbucks guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Starbucks respect your adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer...We will donate $500 million - that's half a billion dollars - to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.' Please consider it." And he leaves.

 

 

 

 

 

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.

"There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news.

 

 

 

 

The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million."

 

 

 

 

"And the bad news, your Holiness ?" asks a Cardinal.

 

 

 

 

 

"We're losing the Wonder Bread account."

 

 

 

[wonka]

Two old friends went to play golf together when another guy carrying a golf bag called out to them:

"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up".

Sure, they said, you’re welcome.

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer,

"What do you do for a living?"

I’m a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!” was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

That's a beautiful telescopic sight,” said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here".

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. "This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom".

"Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her......He's naked, too!!! The bitch!"

He turned to the hit man. “How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you: One thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

“Sure, what do you want?”

"First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's supposed to be a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

“Are you gonna do it or not?" asked the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly . . . . . "I think I can save ya a grand here."

[wonka]

Last Saturday afternoon, an aide to President Obama visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral in Washington D.C. He told the Cardinal that the President would be attending the next mass, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Obama to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Obama a saint.

 

The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the man, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Obama's views."

 

Obama's aide replied, "Look, I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $10,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Obama as a saint."

 

The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."

 

As Obama's aide promised, Obama and his entourage appeared at Sunday's worship service and sat prominently in the front row on the center aisle.

 

As promised, the Cardinal pointed out Obama's presence followed by a smattering of guttural sounds from the congregation. The Cardinal went on to explain that, "While President Obama's presence is probably an honor to some, the man is not numbered among my personal favorite personages for a number of reasons. Some of his views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and he tends to flip-flop on many other issues. Barack Obama is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker and a nit-wit. He is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. I must say, Barack Obama is the worst example of a Christian I have ever personally witnessed, assuming he even IS a Christian. He is a narcissist and is using his speaking ability to lie to the American people. He also has a reputation for shirking his obligations, both In Washington and in Illinois . "The man is simply not to be trusted."

 

A hush consumed the congregation though many heads nodded in agreement. The Cardinal concluded, "But, when compared with Hillary Clinton, Obama is a Saint."

[SBT]

[ehsnils]

Bill Clinton had a running track built for him in the White House. There are no records of him using it and rumors said he preferred other "physical activities".

[ehsnils]

Little Johnny who has a foul mouth.

 

 

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

 

Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."

 

When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

 

Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."

 

Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.

 

Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."

 

Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a bottle of Whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the bottle of whiskey. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

 

The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.

 

"Well," Johnny replied, "Don't f... with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

[ehsnils]

Q: What's worn under a Scotsman's kilt?

A: Nothing is worn. It's all in perfect working order.