Friday Funny jokes- GO!

[II Kings 9201657616070]

Have you heard about the movie Constipation?

 

Nope.

 

It hasn’t come out yet.

[jayway]

[ehsnils]

It's lunch break in an American factory. Three workers are talking, an Italian, Irishman and Polish. They ask each other what they're going to do after work.

The Italian says, "I know a great place, where they serve 2 glasses of wine for every entree ordered."

The Irishman says, "well, I know a pub, where they serve a shot of whisky with every beer ordered."

The Polack says, "I know a better place. They give you all of the drinks for free, and then later, you get SEX for free!"

 

They look at him, astonished. "You have to tell us about this place!"

 

The Polack replies, "Well, I don't know, I heard about it from my sister."

[JmP6889928]

Fred and Mary got married.

But they can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, "No".

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

She replies, "No."

Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

His mom says "No."

He asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Ok, ok, tell me what you think!!!"

 

He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

[bosco]

How did Fred know Johnny had Vaseline in his room and why does he have it?

 

 

 

 

just saying

 

 

[SBT]

A frog goes into a bank, and hops up on the desk of the loan officer. ''Hi,'' he croaks.''

 

What's your name?

 

The loan officer says, ''My name is John Paddywack. May I help you?''

 

'Yeah,'' says the frog. ''I'd like to borrow some money.''

 

The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form. ''Okay, what's your name?''

 

The frog replies, ''Kermit Jagger.''

 

''Really?'' says the loan officer. ''Any relation to Mick Jagger?''

 

''Yeah, he's my dad.''

 

''Hmmm,'' says the loan officer. ''Do you have any collateral?''

 

The frog hands over a pink ceramic elephant and asks, ''Will this do?''

 

The loan officer says, ''Um, I'm not sure. Let me go check with the bank manager.''

 

''Oh, tell him I said hi,'' adds the frog. ''He knows me.''

 

The loan officer goes back to the manager and says, ''Excuse me, sir, but there's a frog out there named Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow some money. All he has for collateral is this pink elephant thing. I'm not even sure what it is.''

 

The manager says: ''It's a knick-knack, Paddywack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone.''

[SBT]

[SBT]

I got this.

[ammcinnis]

'It's a knick-knack, Paddywack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone.''

:groan:

[SBT]

On her first day at the Senior Complex, the new manager addressed all the seniors pointing out some of her rules:

 

"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male dormitory to the females."

 

"Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

 

She continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180."

 

"Are there any questions?"

 

At this point, an older gentleman stood up in the crowd inquired: "How much for a Season Pass?”

[SBT]

Sure.

[SBT]

[SBT]

Rim tssssh.

[ehsnils]

[ehsnils]

Mrs. Hoff was married to a very horny man. She had 6 sons. She named them Rudolf, Gustof, Adolf, Getoff, Stayof, and Jack.

[SBT]

[ehsnils]

[SBT]

[Scooby Fan]

Life in the Australian Army.

 

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )

 

Dear Mum & Dad,

 

 

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!

I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6 am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

 

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!!

 

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bulls eye is as big as a bloody dingo's arse and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnson's did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target -it's a piece of p...!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the roll bar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

 

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

 

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

 

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Your loving daughter,

 

Susan

[SBT]

So I just got back home from work.

My dog is laying on the back patio covered in dirt with a rabbit in his mouth. The Rabbit's not bloody, just dirty. Now, my neighbor's kids raise these Blue Ribbon WINNER Rabbits. I instantly knew it was one of their rabbits*. So I took the rabbit away from my dog, I rushed inside, washed all the dirt off it before my neighbors could come home. It was stiff but I heard some ANIMALS play dead when they are AFRAID, I couldn't remember which animals because I was NERVOUS . I took it and placed it back in one of the cages, then I *ZOOMED back home. NOT 30 minutes later I hear my neighbors screaming. so I go out and ask them what's wrong?

They tell me their rabbit died three days ago and they buried it but now it's back in the cage.

[ehsnils]

Involuntary Muscular Contractions

 

A professor at the University of Wisconsin was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

 

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

 

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

 

She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'...

 

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.

[amptramp]

After 10 years, the Irish wife started to think their kid looked kinda strange, so she decided to do a DNA test. She found out that the child was actually from completely different parents.

 

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.

 

Husband: What's up ?

 

Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid...

 

Husband: Well you don't remember, do you ?? When we were leaving the hospital, you noticed that our baby had pooped its diaper; then you said: Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here. So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.

 

Moral: Never give a man a job for which he is not qualified.

[SBT]

I sent a DNA sample to Ancestry & they sent me a package of seeds and said to start over.

[SBT]

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check." "Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

 

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

 

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

 

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

[SBT]

Hmmm