ehsnils Posted December 18, 2018 Share Posted December 18, 2018 A dad was explaining to his three children about the angel on the top of the Christmas tree. "The reason they put an angel on top of the tree is that Santa Claus was walking through the elf's workroom just before Christmas Day and they were fighting over who was the boss and who changed the red can of paint for chartreuse. Santa yelled at them to get back to work. Then, he walked to the stables to check the reindeer and saw them throw Rudolf out into the snowbank. He was wearing a pink nose and wanted a tutu for the trip. Santa got onto them and said no more screw ups. Then, he walked into his cottage and said "Mama" to Mrs. Claus. She said, "Don't you Mama me. You get to go out with the kids and get all the big contracts at Macy's and Coca Cola. I have to stay here and clean up. Have you ever cleaned up after a dadgummed reindeer?" So, Santa walked out of the room into the porch snow / mud room. He said to himself, "If I hear one more complaint about the work they have to do I'll just lose it!" He heard a knock on the door. When the door opened, much to his surprise, a small blonde angel in white robes and magnificent wings was standing there. She said ....wait for it>>> "Santa, I brought your tree to replace the one I forgot earlier and I'm late. Where do you want me to STICK it." And THAT my children is why we celebrate Christmas with an Angel on top of the tree." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ehsnils Posted December 25, 2018 Share Posted December 25, 2018 The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello." "Mrs. Sanders, please." "Speaking." "Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well...We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good. "What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously. "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which." "That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Sanders. "Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "The MEDICARE Help Desk recommends that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DrD123 Posted January 20, 2019 Share Posted January 20, 2019 A college professor is known for his habit of telling dirty jokes in his class. Some of the girls take offense, and collectively decide that the next time it happens, they are all going to walk out of his class in protest. The professor hears about the plan, so he starts his next class by saying "Hey, did you hear there's a shortage of whores in India?" All of the girls stand up and head for the door. "Wait, come back!" he says "the boat's not leaving until Saturday!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scooby Fan Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 Catholic Heart Attack A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, 'No health insurance.' The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied. 'No money in the bank.' The nun asked, 'Do you have a relative who could help you?' He said, 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun. The nun became agitated and announced loudly, 'Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God'. The patient replied, 'Send the bill to my brother-in-law.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scooby Fan Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 An Irishman went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church. "Father," he confessed, "it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month." The priest told the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys." Soon thereafter, another Irishman entered the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months." This time, the priest questioned, "Who is this Nookie Green?" "A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replied. "Very well," sighed the priest. "Go and say 10 Hail Marys." At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous red-headed woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes. The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but enough. The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, "Is that Nookie Green?" The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, "No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SBT Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 . - Pro amore Dei et patriam et populum - Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SBT Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 (edited) An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut. He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball. The barber replied, just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does. Edited February 22, 2019 by SBT - Pro amore Dei et patriam et populum - Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JmP6889928 Posted February 23, 2019 Share Posted February 23, 2019 . Amen Brother Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ehsnils Posted March 25, 2019 Share Posted March 25, 2019 A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, “Crushed nuts?” “No,” he replied, “Arthritis.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SBT Posted March 26, 2019 Share Posted March 26, 2019 Just close your eyes, trust and fall! They will catch you! What could go wrong - Pro amore Dei et patriam et populum - Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
II Kings 9201657616070 Posted March 27, 2019 Share Posted March 27, 2019 They asked Bush if he had any concerns about Dick Cheney's angina. He said "boys don't have anginas". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wooosh Posted March 27, 2019 Share Posted March 27, 2019 What are the 3 rings of marriage? The engagement ring The wedding ring And the suffe-ring Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SBT Posted March 29, 2019 Share Posted March 29, 2019 Doctors were told to contribute to the construction of a new hospital wing at the hospital. What was their reaction? The allergists voted to scratch it. The dermatologists preferred no rash moves. The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it. The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve. The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception. The ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. The orthopedists issued a joint resolution. The pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" The pediatricians said, "Grow up." The proctologists said, "We are in arrears." The psychiatrists thought it was madness. The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The radiologists could see right through it. The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow. The plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter." The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward. The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water. The cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. - Pro amore Dei et patriam et populum - Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ehsnils Posted March 30, 2019 Share Posted March 30, 2019 There once was a young priest who had to spend the night in a hotel. After dining in the restaurant, he invited the waitress, named Julie, up to his room for drinks. After a while he started advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a man of God. "It's OK," he replied, "It's written in the Bible." So after a wild night of sex the waitress asked to see where in the Bible it says it's OK. The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser and opens to the first page where someone had written in pencil - "Julie, the dining room waitress, puts out!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
II Kings 9201657616070 Posted March 31, 2019 Share Posted March 31, 2019 When does a joke become a dad joke. When it becomes apparent "Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud". "Yes sir, it's fresh ground." A guy is in hell and asks a demon what those things are on the ground. The demon says "oh, we got rid of hot coals years ago, those are Lego pieces". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
II Kings 9201657616070 Posted March 31, 2019 Share Posted March 31, 2019 Student asks teacher "will we ever use any of this algebra"? Teacher says "you won't, but one of the smart kids might" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
II Kings 9201657616070 Posted March 31, 2019 Share Posted March 31, 2019 Police show up to my neighbor's house last night with a picture of his wife- "Sir, I'm sorry to tell you, it looks like your wife has been hit by a bus". He says "I know, but she has a lovely personality" I checked into a hotel and told the clerk "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled". She said "we only have only regular porn, we don’t have disabled porn you sicko" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SBT Posted April 5, 2019 Share Posted April 5, 2019 No kidding. - Pro amore Dei et patriam et populum - Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yoda_One Posted April 5, 2019 Share Posted April 5, 2019 On the money! I can attest to that. Laughing at oneself and with others is good for the Soul![emoji2] Laughing at Oneself and with Other is good for the Soul Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SBT Posted April 6, 2019 Share Posted April 6, 2019 A redneck with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a game warden in Arkansas as he started to drive his boat away from a lake. The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?" "Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish." "Pet fish!?!?" "Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home." "What a line of baloney....you're under arrest." The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment man. I'll show ya! We do this all the time!!" "WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!" The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?" "Well, WHUT?" said the redneck. The warden asked, "When are you going to call em back?" "Call who back?" "The FISH," replied the warden! "Whut fish?" asked the redneck. Truth: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees. - Pro amore Dei et patriam et populum - Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SBT Posted April 7, 2019 Share Posted April 7, 2019 - Pro amore Dei et patriam et populum - Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ehsnils Posted April 13, 2019 Share Posted April 13, 2019 In an effort to improve my overall health and fitness, I put a sign on my bathroom door that says "The Gym." I've gone to The Gym three times today and I swear my pants are looser. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ehsnils Posted April 16, 2019 Share Posted April 16, 2019 An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor of you?" "Of course child. What can I do for you?" "I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Could you possibly hide it under your robes for me?" "I would love to help you my dear; but, I must warn you, I will not lie!" "With your honest face, Father, I'm sure no one will question you!" When they got to customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer a little strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist down to the floor?" "I have a marvelous instrument that has been designed for use on women, but which, to date, remains unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next, please!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ehsnils Posted April 18, 2019 Share Posted April 18, 2019 It was a very bad time of my life and I was very depressed. While walking, I looked up and saw this billboard. It said, "Are you unable to go on? Do you need my help? Call Jesus at this toll free number." I called the number. What I got was a Mexican guy with a tow truck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scooby Fan Posted April 28, 2019 Share Posted April 28, 2019 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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