Friday Funny jokes- GO!

[ehsnils]

Unfortunate hotel names:

Scandic Hell, Norway

Hotel Moron, Argentina

Hotel Ass, Köln / Cologne

Terrible's Hotel, Las Vegas

Swastika Bungalow, Bali

Titanic Hotell, Turkey

Elephant Butte Inn, New Mexico

Big Dicks Halfway Inn, Missouri

Arsenic and Old Lace, Arkansas

Anu's Lodge, India

[amptramp]

1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying

let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

 

2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

 

3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably very unhappy.

 

4. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.

 

5. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word

"premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

 

6. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.

 

7. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

 

8. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers: If you find one, what's your plan?

 

9. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.

[Picky1]

Memorable Password: Always choose a memorable password!

A woman helps her husband install a new computer.

Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password,

Selecting a word that he'll always remember.

As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife

And with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye,

He selects a word:

 

“Mypenis”

As he hits "enter", to validate the selection, his wife collapses with laughter and rolls on the floor in hysteria!!

 

 

The computer had replied:

TOO SHORT- ACCESS DENIED!

[amptramp]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."

[ehsnils]

[wonka]

I once had a wooden car, that had wooden wheels, and a wooden engine. It wooden start.

[Rizzo03]

I once had a wooden car, that had wooden wheels, and a wooden engine. It wooden start.

 

 

Only joke in this thread I laughed at, and when I first joined, I read every page of it.

[wonka]

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I kinda liked it.

 

Only joke in this thread I laughed at, and when I first joined, I read every page of it.

 

The rancher one is my favorite: http://legacygt.com/forums/showpost.php?p=4033307&postcount=293

[SBT]

During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for prayers, which had been answered. A lady stood up and came forward.

 

She said, ‘I have a reason to thank the Lord. Two months ago, my husband Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.’

 

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

 

She continued, ‘Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim’s scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.’

 

Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

 

She continued, ‘Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.’ All the men sighed with relief.

 

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.

 

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

 

 

He said, “I’m Jim.” The entire congregation held its breath.

 

 

“I just want to tell my beautiful wife, the word is sternum (chest).”

[wonka]

A bald man was given a comb for his birthday.

"I'll never part with it," he said.

[Picky1]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties, and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, in the water floated of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water, its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this? Pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!

[wonka]

I think I want a job cleaning mirrors.

It's something I could really see myself doing.

[Picky1]

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, August 17th, 2016

http://sniffpetrol.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/CrashedMustang.jpg

 

Ford in the US is to recall all Mustangs built between 1993 and 2014 to correct a fault which causes the car to crash whenever a camera phone is pointed at it.

 

‘We have decided to issue a precautionary recall after extensive analysis of YouTube footage,’ explained Ford representative Forde Repprestative. ‘Specifically, we wish to address a possible situation in which the vehicle suffers sudden and catastrophic loss of control at relatively low speeds as a result of being filmed by a guy holding a cellphone.’

 

‘We must stress that the vehicle will remain safe in normal driving conditions,’ Repprestative continued. ‘But we would urge all customers to show extreme caution when leaving an auto-related event as the presence of video recording equipment will almost certainly cause the vehicle to lose control from the rear axle, fish tail wildly, and smash into a line of vehicles on the opposing side of the street in a pathetically humiliating manner.’

 

Ford declined to specify which parts of the car may need replacing to correct this flaw but an insider hinted that the issue may lie with a part behind the steering wheel referred to as the ‘grunting moron’.

[Scooby Fan]

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up!'

Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.

If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

 

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."

 

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

 

Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

 

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all."

 

Paddy replied, "No, no, it's genuine enough Mick. Me wife won twice last week."

[wonka]

What's Hillary's favorite pizza?

Little Seizures.

[Scooby Fan]

Three old ladies, Gertrude, Maude and Tilly, were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation.

 

Suddenly, a handsome young man dressed only in a trench coat approached them from across the park. He was holding his coat together with his hands and didn't seem to be wearing anything underneath it.

The young man came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat in one quick motion.

 

 

 

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Seeing her friend's reaction, Maude also had a stroke.

But Tilly, bless her heart, being older and more feeble than her friends, couldn't quite reach that far...

[amptramp]

We celebrated out 30th wedding anniversary last weekend. Amazing. Even more than amazing because I almost did not get a second date. Why? Because I did not open her car door.

 

I (incorrectly) expected that whenever a car goes off a bridge and into a river, that she ought to know to open her car door!

[ehsnils]

If a train station is a place where a train stops, what's a workstation?

[Scooby Fan]

Mathematics:

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.

It has an indisputable mathematical logic.

It also made me Laugh Out Loud.

This is a strictly ... mathematical viewpoint... and it goes like this:

 

What Makes 100%?

 

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

 

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

 

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

 

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

 

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

 

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

 

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

 

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

 

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

 

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there; it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Now you know why some people are where they are!

[LatentWagen]

If a train station is a place where a train stops, what's a workstation?

 

A terminal is where a train stops, nils.

[ehsnils]

A terminal is where a train stops, nils.

http://www.bedug.com/pics/Fun3/_68285582_troll624.jpg

[wonka]

Gas Shortage in NC this week and was talking to a friend at work:

 

"I'm heading to Henderson to find some gas."

Friend: "Head toward Charlotte, I hear cops were giving it away free last night."

[Humble Rumble]

I like my coffee like I like my women.

 

Without a penis.

[amptramp]

I was at a bar last night and saw a beautiful woman sitting alone. So I walked up to her and asked her out on a date. She screams "No I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar was staring at me as I walked back to my table. A few minutes later she came up to me and apologized. She said she was a graduate student in psychology and was studying how people respond to embarrassing situations. I yelled "What do you mean $500?!!"

[wonka]

Juan takes xanax to manage hispanic attacks.