Friday Funny jokes- GO!

[SBT]

A brunette goes into the doctor's offices and says that her body hurts whenever she touches it.

 

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

 

She takes her finger, presses on her elbow, and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain.

 

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"

 

She says, "No, I dyed my hair. I'm naturally blonde."

 

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

[Benacy]

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

 

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!

 

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

 

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

 

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?"

 

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

 

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says...........................................

 

"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."

 

:lol::lol:Brilliant:lol::lol:

[Scooby Fan]

When you are 70......and I am (actually 71)

 

I was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own business.

This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"

I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?

She said, "Yeah, I got a pen"

 

I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you

Cost me 6 stitches...but

 

When you’re seventy..............who cares?

 

*****

I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please

Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”

 

I said "Nah... She's purty good lookin'...

 

When you’re seventy..............who cares?

 

*****

 

I was talking to a young woman in the VFW last night

She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”

I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”;

Cost me a fat lip, but..

 

When you’re seventy..............who cares?

 

I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.

"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?

I said, "Yesterday.

 

Cost me a kick in the nuts, but..

When you’re seventy...............who cares?

 

*****

 

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

 

When you’re seventy..............who cares?

 

*****

 

 

I went to our VFW last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table

I said, "Good legs."

The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by no

Cost me 6 more stitches, but...

 

When you’re seventy..............who cares?

 

;)

Edited September 8, 2017 by Scooby Fan

[bosco]

 

Woman & Man Meet...

 

 

A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them was hurt. After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said, "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

 

 

The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

 

 

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of 75 year old scotch didn't break. Surely God meant for us to drink this vintage delicacy and celebrate our good fortune." Then she handed the bottle to the man.

 

 

The man nodded his head in agreement, opened it, drank half the bottle and then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle, immediately put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.

 

 

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

 

 

She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."

 

 

Adam ate the apple, too!

Men never learn!

[stm25rs]

A guy's wife wants to get a boob job.

 

The husband says "instead of spending all that money, just rub toilet paper between your tits a couple times every day, they'll be bigger in no time."

 

The wife is a little confused and asks "really? what makes you think that'll work?"

 

Husband responds "well, it seems to be working on your ass"

Edited November 21, 2017 by stm25rs

[Scooby Fan]

Delighted to have reached his retirement age, a man booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.

Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."

"Would you like a drink?" "No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"Oh it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,

......

......

.....

"You've built a Golf Course?"

[Scooby Fan]

SENIOR WISDOM!!

 

A couple of us local retired types from the Senior Center were asked to address a high school gathering put on by the PTA. As luck would have it, I was the only speaker to show up, so I had the stage to myself.

 

I talked about staying in school, getting good grades and all that usual bullshit; and since I had plenty of time because those other guys didn't show, I threw it open for questions. The last one asked was, "Can you give us a couple of your life's philosophical beliefs?” I said, “That’s an easy one. Looking back over my 7+ decades, I believe I've spent close to 90% of my earnings on booze and whores. The rest I just wasted!”

 

I was escorted out without getting to finish my last two rules to live by:

1) If it flies, floats, or f*cks, it’s cheaper to rent it!

2) If it’s got tits or tires, you’re always going to have problems with it.

 

I hope they invite me back next year so I can finish......Kids need to know this stuff.

[ehsnils]

Husband: It was a hard day at work as all I did was Pump Ethyl.

 

Wife: Did she Complain?

[ehsnils]

A little old lady went into the Bank of America one day carrying a bag of money. She insists that she must speak with the President of the bank to open a savings account because it's a lot of money.

 

They finally get her into the president's office and he asks her how much she would like to deposit. She says she has $165,000 and then dumps it out of the bag onto his desk. The president was surprised and of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asks her. The old lady says, "I make bets."

 

The president replies, "Bets? What kind of bets?" and she says, "For example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

 

"Ha!" says the president, "That's a stupid bet, you can never win that kind of bet."

 

The old lady says, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

 

"Sure," says the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

 

The little old lady says, "OK, but since there is a lot of money involved is it OK with you if I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM to witness?"

 

"Sure," says the president.

 

That night the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again, thoroughly checking them out until he was sure that there is no way his balls are square and that he will win the bet.

 

The next morning at 10 AM the little old lady appears with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduces the lawyer to the president and repeats the bet, that $25,000 says the president's balls are square. The president agrees with the bet again and the old lady asks him to drop his pants so they can see. The president does this.

 

The little old lady looks closely at his balls and then asks if she can feel them.

 

"Well, OK" says the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

 

Then he notices that the lawyer is quietly banging his head against the wall and he asks the old lady, "What is wrong with your lawyer?"

 

She replies, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that by 10 AM today I'd have The Bank of America's president's balls in my hands!"

[Scooby Fan]

After my recent prostate exam, which, I must say, was the most thorough

 

I've ever had, the doctor left and the nurse came in.

 

As she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear..

 

She said,..."Who was that Guy?"

[ehsnils]

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

 

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

 

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand."

 

Not one hand went up . . . . so she took them home and ate them.

[ehsnils]

Q. What's the difference between a picnic and a panic?

 

A. 28 days.

[ehsnils]

10 men went to learn the way of priesthood. They have passed all tests and are going to go through the rite or ordination.

 

But before, they must pass a last test is to see if they are truly ready to serve the Lord.

 

All 10 are made to sit in line, naked, with a small bell tied to their penis. Then beautiful women, also naked, are made to pass in front of the priests. If the latter have all cast aside their human temptations, no bell should ring.

 

As the ladies walked by, trying to seduce the men, none but 1 bell started to ring. It rang louder and louder, until it slipped and fell down.

 

Ashamed, the should-be priest stood up to recover his bell. As he bent down to pick it up, 9 bells started to ring.

[Scooby Fan]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper

wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that **their** ancestors already

had a telephone network more than 150 years ago!

Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, American archaeologist dug

to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly afterwards announced that they had found traces of

250-year-old copper wire. They concluded that **their** ancestors already had an

advanced high-tech communications network, 50 years earlier than the British.

Well, one week later, a Canadian archaeologist in Newfoundland reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in NE Canada, we found absolutely bugger all!

Therefore it is concluded that 250 years ago, Canada had already gone wireless.”

 

Just makes you bloody proud to be Canadian……..eh!!

[Scooby Fan]

re subbed

[ehsnils]

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Claddaghduff, Ireland man answered his door to find two grim-faced Constables.

 

"We're sorry, Mr. O’ Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen" said one of the officers.

 

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Michael Patrick O’Flynn asked.

 

The constables looked at each other and one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

 

Fearing the worst, Mr. O’ Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."

 

The constable said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay."

 

"Lord sufferin' Jesus and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed O’ Flynn. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"

 

The constable continued, "When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

 

Stunned, Mr. O’ Flynn demanded, "Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?"

 

The constable replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

[Yoda_One]

Lol

 

[emoji2]

[eagleeye]

[Scooby Fan]

A Canadian Blonde Explaining Easter

 

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented.

 

The first blonde, an American, said "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and wouldn't let her in.

 

The second blonde, a Brit, said "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus's birth and exchange gifts."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he wouldn't let her in either.

 

The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and St.Peter said, "So, tell me."

 

She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with his disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung him on the cross and eventually he died. Then they buried him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ... "

 

St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good..."

 

 

 

Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the disciples roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey."

 

St. Peter fainted.

 

 

[ehsnils]

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

 

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

 

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. Furthermore, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

 

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

 

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

 

'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.’

 

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.

 

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

 

On the card was written:

 

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

 

Three with meatballs, two without.

 

Send extra sauce.

[ehsnils]

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-EB9o1LXgdX4/WtiwcL6TozI/AAAAAAAAcLM/myEJM7RMMIgFg5UJRNd9sE1lO5JRtaCOQCLcBGAs/s640/Fun1-Sonia.jpg

[wonka]

A blonde girl was talking to her redhead friend about her boyfriend's dandruff problem. The redhead says "Why don't you give him Head and Shoulders?" The blonde replies, "How do you give shoulders?"

[stm25rs]

I was blessed with a 9 inch penis.

 

 

And now, I'm in therapy, and the priest is in jail.

[Scooby Fan]

A 79-year-old man is having a drink in a bar. Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her. After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.

 

 

 

Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone. "I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. I want $100 and there's another condition."

 

 

Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is. "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

 

 

The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He whips out his wallet and puts $100 dollars in her hand. He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly, "Paint my house."

 

 

(Our needs change as we get older and we tend to look for bargains.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

--

[Dishwasher]

3 men from Texas, Oklahoma, and Missouri were sitting around a campfire telling stories. The man from Texas told the story of how tough he was, how he once was lost in the woods, and came across a river. He knew he had to get across the river, but there was a bear on the other side. He swam across the rushing waters, wrestled the bear with his knife for 3 days and 3 nights, until he finally killed it with his bare hands. He lived off the meat of the bear until he was able to find his way.

The man from Oklahoma said, "That's not tough. When I was out on the range, I heard my Mom was sick on the other side of Oklahoma. I saw a tornado, and lasso'd it with my rope. I rode that Tornado all the way home, and got there before my Mom passed away. I was able to say goodbye."

The man from Missouri nodded, he was impressed. He said, "Gentleman, I'm not nearly as tough as either of you. Those are some remarkable stories!" as he stirred the coals of the fire with his penis.