Friday Funny jokes- GO!

[ehsnils]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown

Ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for

Their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries

And a pint," and turns to the ostrich, "What's

Yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

 

 

A short time later the waitress returns with the

Order. "That will Be $9.40 please" The man

Reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact

Change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come

Again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries

And a pint."

 

 

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

 

 

Again the man reaches into his pocket and

Pays with exact change.

 

 

This becomes routine until the two enter again.

"The usual?" Asks the waitress. "No, this is

Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato,

a salad, and a pint" says the man. "Same," says the

Ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order

And says, "That will be $32.62." Once again

The man pulls the exact change out of his pocket

And places it on the table.

 

 

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any

Longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to

Always come up with the exact change in your

Pocket every time?"

 

 

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was

Cleaning the attic and Found an old pot of gold. When

I picked it up, a Leprechaun appeared and offered me

Two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had

To pay for anything, I would just put my hand

In my pocket and the right amount of money

Would always be there."

 

 

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people

Would ask for a Million Dollars or something,

But you'll always be as rich as you want for as

Long as you live!"

 

 

"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a

Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,"

Says the man.

 

 

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

 

 

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second

Wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long

Legs who agrees with everything I say.."

 

HAPPY SAINT PATRICK'S DAY!

[SBT]

To my Navy Nuke Pukes... you guys are awesome.

 

A nuclear Machinist Mate was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

 

The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"

 

"Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

 

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

 

The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

 

To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know s**t?"

[ehsnils]

I've been quite confused as to why NASCAR went to the "Stage" racing format. After working through several races, I believe that I have discovered the justification for this activity. I was surprised to discover that this format is totally dedicated to ALL the participants in the sport. Let me outline the reason for the new format:

 

1) The demographics of the attendees suggest that those who attend the races are getting older. And as such, they need to trek to the bathroom more often. In doing this, many spectators found themselves missing the 15 seconds of excitement generated throughout the race. NASCAR, like hockey, now offers bathroom periods for the attendees, pit crew and drivers.

 

2) Like the spectators, the FOX announcers are also getting older and as such, found themselves in a position similar to the spectators. With the break, the senior announcers can make a potty visit and Jeff Gordon can cover for them.

 

3) It is apparent to most who attend the races that there is a great disparity between the cars and drivers. It is not uncommon to find, after a half dozen laps, a major portion of the cars near one lap behind. This has created a problem for many of the drivers who forget the make, model and color of their team members cars. Staging recycles the drivers and enables them to recognize who is on their team.

 

4) The staging situation enhances time generally dedicated to yellow cautions thus enabling FOX to broadcast undisturbed commercials. Also, the fan base was complaining about race officials calling so many cautions for gum wrappers on the track. This minimizes such calls.

 

5) It's not hard to notice that there is more competition between the cars traveling on Interstates than on the track. The stage systems gives the spectator two more opportunities to see some competition between the cars before number 3 kicks in. Sort of like leaving a toll booth...

 

Rumor has it that NASCAR will be requiring PortaPotties in every pit stall next year.

 

Used to be said that "Baseball crammed 20 minutes of excitement into three hours"... How much excitement have you seen in NASCAR as compared to the old years?

[wonka]

"Dad, what's an alcoholic?"

Dad: "See those 4 trees over there? an alcoholic would see eight."

Son:"But Dad, I only see two."

[Picky1]

Charlie Simon balding, red haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

 

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

 

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

 

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said.

 

The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

 

The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

 

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, by check.

 

I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

 

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, 'Sir...There's no money in that account!

 

''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.'

[SnoDork]

- Why did the. Chicken cross the road??

 

(To go see stupid)

 

- you: knock knock

Friend: who's there??

 

You - chicken...

[bosco]

- Why did the. Chicken cross the road??

 

(To go see stupid)

 

- you: knock knock

Friend: who's there??

 

You - chicken...

 

Are you a millennial?

[Scooby Fan]

Understanding Engineers #1

 

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

 

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

 

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

 

 

Understanding Engineers #2

 

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

 

 

Understanding Engineers #3

 

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

 

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

 

The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

 

The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen.

They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!."

 

The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

 

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them."

 

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

 

 

Understanding Engineers #4

 

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

 

Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

 

 

Understanding Engineers #5

 

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

 

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

 

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

 

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

 

 

Understanding Engineers #6

 

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer.

Just look at all the joints."

 

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

 

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.

Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

 

 

Understanding Engineers #7

 

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

 

 

Understanding Engineers #8

 

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."

 

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

 

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."

 

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

 

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

 

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."

 

------------------------------ ------------

 

Two engineers???

 

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

 

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said one, "but we don't have a ladder."

 

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

 

One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us.

We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

 

Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving in the United States Congress.

[ehsnils]

The Pope dies, goes to the Pearly Gates.

 

St. Peter welcomes him and asks if he has any requests.

 

"I'd really like to really understand the writings of the prophets and apostles."

the Pope says.

 

"Sure thing, Angel Thaddeus here will escort you to the Pearly Library, where all the originals are there, translated so you can read them," Peter replied.

 

Things go along well for a few days, then Angel Thaddeus approaches St. Peter and tells him, "We need you down at the Pearly Library. We seem to be having an issue with His Holiness."

 

Pete goes down to the Library, and before he even gets there, he hears the Pope yelling, "There's an R! There's an R! All that time wasted for a stupid R!"

 

St. Peter approaches His Holiness and asks him what the problem is.

 

"There's an R!!"

 

"Yes, and...?" Peter asked.

 

"It says 'Celebrate!"

[ehsnils]

Joke for dinosaurs in the computer world:

In 1998, a programmer who had been working on Y2K fixes started to get anxious because he couldn't believe how pervasive the problem was. He switched from company to company trying to get away from it, but everywhere he went he became regarded as the Y2K expert and immediately became the team lead for that company's Y2K contingencies. He finally had a nervous breakdown, quit his job, and decided he wanted to be knocked unconscious when the Y2K actually came about.

 

A month before Y2K he was put into an artificial coma and cooled down to a near cryogenic easily sustained long term life support.

 

Unfortunately the life support notification system had a Y2K bug, and no one revived him for 8000 years.

 

Finally he was found and revived. He woke up, and saw himself surrounded by lots of glass, light, stainless steel, and tall beautiful people in white robes. He asked if he was in Heaven.

 

They replied, "No, this is Chicago. Actually but it's a lot like Heaven to someone like you."

 

"Someone like me?"

 

"You are from the 20th century. Many of the problems that existed in your lifetime have been solved for thousands of years. There is no hunger and no disease. There is no scarcity, or strife between races and creeds."

 

"What year is it now?"

 

"Yeah, about that - it's the year 9,998. You see, the year 10,000 is coming up, and we understand you know something called COBOL?"

[amptramp]

I just read that someone was killed with a starter's pistol. I bet it was race related.

[SBT]

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.

 

They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card. It said, "Rest in Peace."

 

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location.'"

[ehsnils]

"How to exit the Vim editor?" has exceeded 1 million views on Q/A site Stack Overflow. In a blog post on the subject offers some interesting statistcs: 0.005% of visits to questions is from people trying to quit Vim. For reasons not yet explained, users from the Ukrane and Turkey seem to get stuck in Vim the most often, with jquery developers having the most difficulty.

[ehsnils]

Lawyers Don't Lie.........Do They?

 

A Lawyer had a wife and 12 children and needed to move as his rental agreement was coming to an end on the home where he lived. He was having a very difficult time in finding a new place to rent.

When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they knew that his 12 children would destroy the Home.

 

He could not say that he had no children, because that would be a lie, After all, everybody knows that lawyers cannot and would not purposely lie.

 

So, he had an idea…… he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of his 12 children.

 

He took the remaining one with him to look at several homes with the real estate agent.

 

Finally, he found a home he really liked and the agent got the necessary paperwork out and asked:

“How many children do you have?”

He answered, “12 children, but only one is with me now.”

The agent asked “Where are the others?”

The lawyer answered, with a very sad look on his face, “They are in the cemetery with their Mother.”

 

And, that's how was able to rent a home for his Family without lying.

 

MORAL: It is not necessary to lie! One only has to be creative and choose the right words.

Please remember this: Lawyers don't lie! They are creative! And, don't forget this very important fact……Most politicians are lawyers!

[ehsnils]

If painkillers make you constipated, do Opiates cure diarrhea?

[fahr_side]

If painkillers make you constipated, do Opiates cure diarrhea?

 

 

 

Opium certainly does lower motility. It's used a lot in Ayurvedic medicine.

[stm25rs]

Opium certainly does lower motility. It's used a lot in Ayurvedic medicine.

 

It also lowers mobility! At least, temporarily

[stm25rs]

"What do you call the area of a plane where the pilot sits?"

Assuming your audience isn't retarded, they'll answer with - "A Cockpit"

 

"Yup, that's what it's called when it's a male pilot. What do you call it when there's a female pilot?"

 

Person will probably be confused.

 

The answer - "A box office"

[SBT]

Rest Area Learning

 

 

In a public restroom, above the sink someone had written the word "THINK" on the mirror.

 

So to be helpful, above the soap dispenser I wrote the word "THOAP."

[stm25rs]

I'm starting a support group for women that have difficulty reaching orgasm.

 

If you can't come, let me know.

[ehsnils]

[Scooby Fan]

A group of American tourists entered a 300-year-old pub in Cork, Ireland. One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, *"I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers. I bet $5,000 that no one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."*

 

 

The bar was silent, but the American noticed one Irishman leaving. And no one took up the bet. Forty minutes later, the Irishman who left returned and said, "Hey Yank is yer bet still on?"

 

"Sure" said the American, "20 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of $5,000.”

 

"Grand," replied the Irishman. "So pour the pints and start the clock."

 

It was very close, but the last drop was consumed with 15 seconds to spare. “OK Yank, pay up." said the Irishman.

 

Ruefully, the stunned American replied, "I'll honor the bet, here's your money. But tell me, when I first offered the wager, I saw you leave.

Where did you go?"

 

"Well sir," replied the Irishman, "$5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road first to see if I could do it.”

[Eugene Onegin]

"What's the definition of class ? You wait till after your out of the shower to piss." Rodney Dangerfield

[ehsnils]

I swallowed some scrabble letters by accident.

 

My next crap could spell trouble.

[ehsnils]

What's hard, has nuts, and makes girls fat? An Almond Joy bar.