legacychick Posted December 8, 2006 Share Posted December 8, 2006 So every year at our company holiday party, all of the new people need to tell a joke. I hear everyone is pretty drunk by then, so the dirtier the better! Anyone know a good one? The party is tomorrow at 6pm, so bring it on! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BDII Posted December 8, 2006 Share Posted December 8, 2006 1. what do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? Nothing. You already told here twice 2. Why doesnt a woman need a watch? there's already a clock on the kitchen stove Need forum help? Private Message legGTLT Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VTsullyman Posted December 8, 2006 Share Posted December 8, 2006 Potential vs. Realistic A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that." So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!" The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?" The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?" The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two hookers and a homo. 2007 DGM LGT 2003 Suzuki SV650S Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eb50 Posted December 8, 2006 Share Posted December 8, 2006 how do u drown a blonde? scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VTsullyman Posted December 8, 2006 Share Posted December 8, 2006 Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. Next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick! "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table eating. Jack asks, "Son. what happened last night?" Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door." Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!' Broken Coffee Table $399.00 Hot Breakfast $4.20 Two Aspirins $0.18 Saying the right thing at the right time… Priceless 2007 DGM LGT 2003 Suzuki SV650S Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melayout Posted December 8, 2006 Share Posted December 8, 2006 A frenchman jumps off a building;he dies. A german jumps off a building;he dies. A hippy jumps off a building....and gets lost on the way down. I keed I keeed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VTsullyman Posted December 8, 2006 Share Posted December 8, 2006 Jim Bob and Bubba, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Jim Bob turns to Bubba and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college, and sign up for some classes." The next day, Jim Bob goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic. "Logic?" Jim Bob says. "What's that?" The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed eater?" "Yeah." "Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard." "That's true, I do have a yard." "I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house." "Yes, I do have a house." "And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family." "Yes, I have a family." "I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife." "Yes, I do have a wife." "And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual." "I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater." Excited to take the class now, Jim Bob shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bubba at the bar. He tells Bubba about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic. "Logic?" Bubba says, "What's that?" Jim Bob says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weed eater?" "No." "Then you're a queer." 2007 DGM LGT 2003 Suzuki SV650S Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rc0032 Posted December 8, 2006 Share Posted December 8, 2006 1. what do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? Nothing. You already told here twice 2. Why doesnt a woman need a watch? there's already a clock on the kitchen stove Oh the hot water you are going to be in for these Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VTsullyman Posted December 8, 2006 Share Posted December 8, 2006 An old man marries a young woman, and though they’re in love, the wife can’t achieve an orgasm. They ask a psychiatrist for advice. He says, “Hire a strapping young man. While you’re making love, have him wave a towel over your bodies.” The couple’s desperate, so they hire a male escort to wave a towel. But despite a lengthy lovemaking session, the wife still can’t get off. Willing to try anything, the husband and the strapping young stallion switch positions. The guy goes to work, and the wife quickly has an earthshaking orgasm. The husband smiles and says triumphantly, “You see, young fella? That’s how you wave a towel!” 2007 DGM LGT 2003 Suzuki SV650S Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melayout Posted December 8, 2006 Share Posted December 8, 2006 How you fit 3 giraffes into a car in 3 steps? 1. Open the door 2. Insert 3 giraffes 3. Close the door How you fit 2 elephants into a car in 4 steps?.....pause..... 1. Open the door 2. Remove 2 giraffes 3. Insert 2 elephants 4. Close the door I keed I keeed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gire Posted December 8, 2006 Share Posted December 8, 2006 A woman and her baby get on a bus and the bus driver looks over and says, "Damn lady, that's gotta be the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman, obviously shocked at his comments, stuffs the fare into the box and storms over to the back of the bus and sits down in a huff. She is silently fuming with tears welling up in her eyes when a younger guy notices her and asks politely,"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice you seem very distraught. What's wrong?" "Well, the bus driver just insulted me, and I am very upset now." "That's outrageous!" He says. "He's a public servant and shouldn't be saying anything to make you upset!" "You're right." She says. "I'm going to go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "Good idea," He says, "Here, let me hold your monkey." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BDII Posted December 8, 2006 Share Posted December 8, 2006 Oh the hot water you are going to be in for these what did I doooo? Need forum help? Private Message legGTLT Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rc0032 Posted December 8, 2006 Share Posted December 8, 2006 what did I doooo? No with me but with A****a Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melayout Posted December 8, 2006 Share Posted December 8, 2006 Feel free to replace redneck with a more politically-correct character. Now onto the jokes: How do you spot a redneck? He cleans the elevator on every floor. -------------------------------------------- What's written on the bottom of a coke? Open it from the other side, n00b -------------------------------------------- What do you do when a redneck throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back -------------------------------------------- Why did a bunch of a rednecks in a submarine drown? The fish knocked on the door -------------------------------------------- A redneck had a problem sleeping, so his friend suggested he count to 500. So that night when he went to sleep, he started counting and before reaching 500, he started to feel sleepy.....so he got up, freshened up and continued counting -------------------------------------------- A redneck playing in "Who wants to be a millionare?" used the "Call" option and called his friend. He asked him, "Should I ask for help from the audience or delete 2 answers?" ------------------------------------------- A redneck got invited to a costume party so he sent his brother. -------------------------------------------- I keed I keeed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
c-lo Posted December 8, 2006 Share Posted December 8, 2006 2 nuns are riding down a cobble stone road 1 nun says to the other "Hmm....I've never come this way before!" the other says: "yeah, it's the cobble stones" 258k miles - Stock engine/minor suspension upgrades/original shocks/rear struts replaced at 222k/4 passenger side wheel bearings/3 clutches/1 radiator/3 turbos Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
legacychick Posted December 8, 2006 Author Share Posted December 8, 2006 Oh the hot water you are going to be in for these It's kinda sad, but I laughed at those the most! Since a majority of the people in our company are women, I better not tell these. These are all great, keep em coming! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
legacychick Posted December 8, 2006 Author Share Posted December 8, 2006 Last call for jokes, if you can think of any. There are several on here I can choose from though, thanks for the help everyone! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FJuan Posted December 9, 2006 Share Posted December 9, 2006 How do you get an LGT member in suspense. Read the next post. My wife's balls are delicious. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FJuan Posted December 9, 2006 Share Posted December 9, 2006 How do you get an LGT member in suspense. Read the next post. My wife's balls are delicious. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FJuan Posted December 9, 2006 Share Posted December 9, 2006 How do you get an LGT member in suspense. Read the next post. My wife's balls are delicious. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FJuan Posted December 9, 2006 Share Posted December 9, 2006 My wife's balls are delicious. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
automaticsti Posted December 9, 2006 Share Posted December 9, 2006 LOL...My buddy next to me (who is actually black) told me to type this..... >>What did the black guy get on his SAT??????? Barbeque Sauce Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FJuan Posted December 9, 2006 Share Posted December 9, 2006 :lol: ^ My wife's balls are delicious. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NewScooby Posted December 9, 2006 Share Posted December 9, 2006 Heard this on the radio yesterday........ Why is shopping for a Christmas tree better than a picking up women? The tree wants to be tied up, thrown in the trunk, and taken home with you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MacLGT-B Posted December 9, 2006 Share Posted December 9, 2006 Pancakes: Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem." The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. "Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?" "Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- POOR COMMUNICATION A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet." He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his willy in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look and says, "there's nothing wrong with them!" Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "that was very nice but, are...my...test...results...back?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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