Friday Funny jokes- GO!

[ehsnils]

Back in the '60's there was an article in Car and Driver magazine about Lucas electrics as they pertained to British sports cars.....Lead into the story was a small headline that read....

"On the 7th day God said let there be light....Joe Lucas replied...No need to be hasty about that"

Anyone who has owned British cars from that era will totally understand

There will be light - but not where you want it. Trust me, I have seen that too.

[ehsnils]

[Scooby Fan]

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Toronto and the other to Vancouver.

However, they agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

 

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.

"Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

 

"Why Hooters?"

"They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs."

"You're on."

 

 

 

At age 42, they meet and play golf again

"Where you wanna go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Again? Why?"

"They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games."

"OK."

 

 

At age 52 they meet and play again.

"So where you wanna go for lunch?"

"Hooters.

"Why?"

"The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking."

"OK."

 

 

 

At age 62 they meet again.

After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy."

"Good choice"

 

 

 

At age 72 they meet again.

Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and have senior discounts."

"Great choice."

 

 

At age 82 they meet and play again.

"Where should we go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"Because we've never been there before."

“Okay, let’s give it a try.

[ehsnils]

Them: "Who's skull is that?"

Me: "Raising it to my lips to take a drink" "A guy named Phillip"

Them: "What's in it?"

Me: "Vodka and orange juice"

Them: ...

Me: "It's a Phillip's head screw driver"

[ehsnils]

http://www.bedug.com/pics/Fun5/580108-08adffba9d95f382c60a131548a0943f.webp

[ehsnils]

[ehsnils]

(This best rhymes using a British accent):

 

To a bird whom he thought he was tamin'

A suitor said, “Have you your hymen?”

As of long, long ago,

Her answer was, “No,

But I still have the box that it came in.”

[Scooby Fan]

HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT...a science lesson for today.

 

Student Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

 

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

 

 

One student, however, wrote the following:

 

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

 

 

 

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

 

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

 

 

 

This gives two possibilities:

 

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

 

 

 

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

 

So which is it?

 

 

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

 

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

[Scooby Fan]

A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of an LS460 when he spotted a well-known cardiac surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiac surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work.

The cardiac surgeon paused, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic....

“Try doing it with the engine running."

[ehsnils]

A woman went to a psychiatrist. The doc says, "How can I help you?" She says, "I think I'm a nymphomaniac."

"Well, I think I can help you with that, but I should warn you that my fee is $80 an hour."

"How much for all night?"

[ehsnils]

What do wives and hand grenades have in common?

As soon as you pull the ring the house is gone.

[ehsnils]

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cosy little restaurant..

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there’ and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants'.

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:

'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back.’

[ehsnils]

A woman went to her doctor and said, "Every time I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The doc said, "Oh my! How have you dealt with it?"

"Well, I found a store that sells pepper in bulk."

[ehsnils]

What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?

 

A golfer goes...smack...awww crap.

A skydiver goes...awww crap...SMACK.

[ehsnils]

"Beauty is only skin deep but ugly goes down to the bone."

 

"Fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."

 

"Ugly with a capital UGH."

 

"So ugly, they make freight trains take dirt roads."

 

"Do you have ANY idea how many Victoria's Secret catalogs it's going to take get that image out of my brain?"

[ehsnils]

For the memory of our member KartRacerBoy who left this world 3 years ago.

 

====================================

A lawyer dies the same day as the Pope. Both find themselves in line at the pearly gates, waiting their turn.

 

An angel sees the lawyer, says something to St. Peter, and immediately rushes to the lawyer and escorts him to the front of the line. St. Peter shakes his hand, the gates swing wide, and he is welcomed into Heaven. There's a procession as a choir sings, and St. Peter leads him through the streets of gold to a mansion on a cloud while the rest of the people in Heaven watch in awe.

 

Finally the lawyer goes into his new home, and St. Peter gets back to the pearly gates and the line begins to move again.

 

After a long wait, it's finally the Pope's turn. An ordinary angel leads the Pope through a little side gate to a small house on a back street of Heaven that's only paved in silver. As the angel is about to leave, the Pope says "I don't mean to complain, but....I was pope back on earth, and I get this little house and no parade, while that attorney got much more. What did I do wrong?"

 

The angel replies "You didn't do anything wrong. The thing is, we've got over 250 popes here, but that's the first lawyer we've ever seen"

 

----

 

A lawyer finds himself at the pearly gates, facing St. Peter, who looks up his name in the Big Book, then says "you're OK to enter".

 

Before he does, the lawyer asks "I'm just curious - what did I die of? One moment I was getting ready for a deposition and the next I'm here. I was really healthy, ate well, exercised every day, didn't smoke or drink or use drugs...."

 

St. Peter looks in the book and says "Natural causes resulting from extreme old age. No wonder you look so good at 104."

 

"104!" cries the lawyer, "there's been a mistake! I'm only 32!"

 

St. Peter smiles and says "Up here we go by billable hours"

[ehsnils]

Things said under sedation...

 

1. “Am I in hell?”

I responded, “No you’re not, you’re just in recovery.”

“…That sounds like something the devil would say. Count backwards from 100 to prove it.”

2. Patient was heavily sedated in ICU, nurse gave an enema. Half conscious response: “Honey you know I don’t like it that way.”

3. One patient stroked my unshaved arm while I was trying to keep him from pulling at his IV, and muttered, “You’d make such a great carpet.”

4. During my wisdom teeth surgery they were playing music, and Billy Jean comes on. I said, “Glad Michael Jackson could join us” and that was the last thing I remember.

5. This is actually something I supposedly said when I came out of my wisdom teeth surgery and woke up:

“My bones feel wet, can I have a napkin?”

I still wonder what I was thinking.

https://thoughtcatalog.com/january-nelson/2019/05/the-60-most-hilarious-things-patients-have-said-while-under-anesthesia/

[ehsnils]

9 out of 10 beavers prefer morning wood?

[Scooby Fan]

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