Friday Funny jokes- GO!

[ehsnils]

Things our kids have no idea how to use, wing windows, dial phones, analog clocks, window cranks? My BIL was taking his daughter some where and she said, "Dad, it's hot in here, turn on the A/C." BIL, "Sorry, my truck is old and doesn't have A/C, you have to put the window down". Daughter, "DAAAD, I'm dying, where is the button to put the window down"? BIL, "Sorry my truck is old, it doesn't have electric windows, you have to use the little black cranky thing". Daughter, "DAAAAAAAD, the little black cranky thing doesn't work"! He looked over and she had her thumb and forefinger on the black knob, on the end of the crank, twirling it in circles. Not cranking the whole thing. He said "look" and showed her how to do it. She put the window down then said, "Well! If that isn't the most stupid thing I've ever seen, I don't know what is"!

 

Another way of saying, "You're Old"!

[ammcinnis]

Things our kids have no idea how to use, wing windows, dial phones, analog clocks, window cranks?

Add: manual transmissions. They are probably the most effective anti-theft device available today.

 

Yes, I'm old. My dear, departed 1969 Porsche 911S had a 5-speed manual transmission, no A/C, no power steering, no power brakes, hand-cranked windows, an analog clock, an analog AM/FM radio, and the marvelous Bosch fuel injection system was 100% mechanical. I wish I still owned that car. (My aging left knee and hip don't miss the 911's clutch pedal, though.)

Edited July 24, 2019 by ammcinnis

[ehsnils]

An old woman walked up and tied her old mule to the hitching post.

 

As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, "hey old woman, have you ever danced?"

 

The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, "no,... I never did dance... never really wanted to."

 

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said "well, you old bag, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old woman's feet.

 

The old woman prospector -- not wanting to get her toes blown off --started hopping around. Everybody was laughing. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

 

The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air, and the crowd stopped laughing immediately.

 

The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

 

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old woman's hands, as she quietly said, "son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

 

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "no m'am... but I've always wanted to."

 

There are five lessons here for all of us:

 

1 - Never be arrogant.

2 - Don't waste ammunition.

3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.

4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.

5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid.

[SBT]

Well, that didn't turn out as expected.

[ehsnils]

A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on.

He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor.

He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town.

He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot.

He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat.

Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem.

The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

 

"Oh, no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

[SBT]

:

[SBT]

..

[Scooby Fan]

A Texas midget's testicles hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem.

 

 

 

The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.

The midget dropped his pants.

 

 

 

The doctor stood him up on the examining table and started to

examine him.

 

 

 

The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to

turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.

 

 

 

"Hmm..."mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle he asked the midget to cough again.

 

Aha!" said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors....Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side . . . then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.

 

 

 

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.

 

 

 

The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room

to see if his testicles still hurt.

 

 

 

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and

discovered his testicles were no longer aching.

 

 

 

The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"

 

 

 

The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it.

What did you do?"

 

 

 

The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots.

[SBT]

.

[ehsnils]

In Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang-gliding. Bubba decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge-------into the wind he goes!

Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin bout the good old days when Maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen. "Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims.

Paw raises up," Git my gun, Maw."

She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG! The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops.

"I think ya missed him, Paw," she says.

"Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of Bubba!"

[ehsnils]

An IRS auditor decides to audit Grandpa and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, “Okay, go ahead.”

Grandpa says, “I'll bet you a thousand dollars I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye with them.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. I”ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side so he ends up urinating all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head into his hands.

“Are you Ok?” The auditor asks.

“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!”

[SBT]

Mike drop

[ehsnils]

Three guys are bragging about their families. A Presbyterian, a Catholic and a Mormon.

 

The Presbyterian says, "I've got four daughters, one more and I'll have an all girls basketball team!".

 

The Catholic says, "That's nothing, I've got eight daughters, one more and I'll have an all girls softball team!".

 

The Mormon says, "I've got you all beat. I've got seventeen wives, one more and I'll have a golf course!".

[SBT]

.

[dudeondacouch]

terrible approximation of the best pun ever reddited.

[SBT]

[ehsnils]

The subject is sex-education and the teacher queries the kids' knowledge:

 

She asks, “How many positions are there?”

 

Little Johnny: “I know twenty-six!”

 

Mary: “I know one.”

 

Johnny: “I know twenty-six!!! I know twenty-six!!!”

 

Teacher: “Well hold your horses, Johnny. Let's hear Mary's answer, first.”

 

Mary: “The woman lies on her back, the man on top, face to face...”

 

Johnny: “I know twenty-SEVEN!!!”

[SBT]

Stopped by my neighbor's house.

He was laughing so hard he had tears in his eyes

I asked him what was so funny

He said "I just told myself a joke.

I said, are you crazy, what's wrong with you, you're the only one here?

He said, I know, but it was the first time I'd heard it and just couldn't stop laughing."

Edited September 12, 2019 by SBT

[SBT]

Practice makes perfect.

[amptramp]

A farmer in Yorkshire sees a bloke drinking from his stream and shouts, "Ey up cock! Tha dun wana be drinkin watter from theer! It's full o' horse pee an cow pat!"

 

The bloke says, "Sorry mate, I'm from London. Can you speak a bit slower please?"

 

The farmer replies slowly, "If you use both hands you won't spill any!"

[SBT]

Two young boys were sitting patiently through a wedding.

 

One asked the other, "How many wives can a man have?"

 

The other replied, "Sixteen. Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer."

[ehsnils]

Police work can be entertaining as well as dangerous:

 

Recently, a female sheriff’s deputy arrested Georgia good o le ' boy Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old while male, who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night.

 

The next day, at the Gwinnett County, GA courthouse Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication. The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop.

 

He explained, “As there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around.” Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to this purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. “Guess I was really into it, y’know?” he commented with evident embarrassment.

 

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching sheriff’s car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy Brenda Taylor approached him.

 

“It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure,” said Deputy Taylor. “I walked up to Lawrence and he’s just humping away at this pumpkin.” Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.

 

“I said ‘Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you’re having sex with a pumpkin?’ ”

 

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said

 

“‘A pumpkin? S### .. .is it midnight already?’”

 

The court (and the judge) could not contain their laughter.

 

Lawrence was found guilty only of public intoxication, fined $10.00 and sent on his way.

 

The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as "The best come-back line ever."

[ehsnils]

That awkward moment when when a Zombie looking for brains walks right past you!

[Scooby Fan]

An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost.

 

 

 

Wandering about, he notices a lion heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

 

 

 

The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!”

 

 

 

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

 

 

 

Just as the lion is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly,

 

 

 

"Boy, that was one delicious lion! I wonder, if there are any more around here?”

 

 

 

Hearing this, the young lion halts his attack in mid-stride, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

 

 

 

"Whew!," says the lion, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!”

 

 

 

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the lion. So, off he goes.

 

 

 

The squirrel soon catches up with the lion, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the lion.

 

 

 

The young lion is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!”

Now, the old Doberman sees the lion coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says...

 

 

 

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another lion!”

 

 

 

 

Moral of this story..

 

 

 

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

 

 

 

Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

[ehsnils]

Santa was due for his annual FAA checkride to keep his multi-engine rating active. He was waiting by his sleigh and reindeer when the FAA inspector arrived with his notebook and a rifle.

 

Santa went through the pre-flight, final checks on instrument approaches, and they boarded the sleigh. As Santa was buckling in, he asked the inspector what the rifle was for. The inspector replied, "I am not really supposed to let you know this, but you will lose an engine on takeoff."