Friday Funny jokes- GO!

[wonka]

I overdosed on viagra once, it was the hardest day of my life.

[Garurumon]

I like anti-jokes.

 

What do you call something that's black and white, and red all over?

 

Multicolored

 

What do you call a black person on the moon?

 

An astronaut

 

How many women does it take to screw in a light bulb?

 

One with suitable hand eye coordination

[amptramp]

Common Tools Explained

 

To the uninitiated, the workshop can be an intimidating place, full of tools you may not know what to do with. To help, here's a helpful explanation of common tools and their uses.

 

DRILL PRESS:

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

 

WIRE WHEEL:

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned cleco calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh [censored]!"

 

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:

Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

 

SKILL SAW:

A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

 

PLIERS:

Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

 

BELT SANDER:

An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

 

HACKSAW:

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

 

VISE-GRIPS:

Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

 

WELDING GLOVES:

Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

 

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:

Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub from which you want the bearing race removed.

 

TABLE SAW:

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

 

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:

 

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

 

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4:

Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

 

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:

A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

 

BAND SAW:

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

 

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

 

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:

A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

 

AVIATION METAL SNIPS:

See hacksaw.

 

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

 

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:

A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

 

PRY BAR:

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

 

HOSE CUTTER:

A tool used to make hoses too short.

 

HAMMER:

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

 

MECHANIC'S KNIFE:

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

 

DAMMIT TOOL:

Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[wonka]

I Nearly Became A Doctor.

 

When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School.

 

One of the questions asked was to rearrange the letters *PNEIS* into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

 

Those who answered spine are doctors today. The rest of us are posting jokes via forums.

[bosco]

New Golf Book ( For all you golfers!)

 

New Golf Book

 

Here is the Table of Contents for a new book on Golf which I'm writing. Let me know how many copies you wish to order prior to publication at $49.95 (Plus shipping and handling, of course).

 

Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt

 

Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Nike from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist from the Tee

 

Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker

 

Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance Off the Shank

 

Chapter 5 - When to Give the Ranger the Finger

 

Chapter 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings

 

Chapter 7 - Crying and How to Handle it

 

Chapter 8 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beers Before 10 am

 

Chapter 9 - How to Rationalize a 6-Hour Round

 

Chapter 10 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water

 

Chapter 11 - Why Your Spouse Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th

 

Chapter 12 - How to Let a Foursome Play Through Your Twosome

 

Chapter 13 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three Off the Tee

 

Chapter 14 - When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent

 

Chapter 15 - God and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey-Three Putt

 

Chapter 16 - When to Regrip Your Ball Retriever

 

 

[wonka]

I took the wife out last night...

One punch is all it took.

[amptramp]

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

 

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop

and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

 

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

 

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled

back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

 

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and

the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

 

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!

After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

 

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me

and I didn't listen to you.

 

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

 

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

[amptramp]

This guy brings a girl he met at a bar, back to his apartment in the richest place in town. Huge place, very luxurious.

Guy suggests a drink to the girl, and that she looks around while he's in the kitchen.

Girl enters the living room where there's this HUGE gong on a wall, with its mallet hanging beside it.

Guy comes back with drinks and the girl says:

"Wow, that gong is incredible! It's so big!"

Guy replies:

"That's not a gong, it's a rude speaking clock"

As the girl looks at him baffled, he gives her his drink and says:

"Here, let me show you"

 

Guy takes the mallet, and with the largest swing he hits the gong which makes a deafening sound.

 

15 seconds later, three pounding noises on the wall and a muffled voice shouts "Hey, mother f***er!!! It's 3 in the morning!!!"

[wonka]

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic bliss had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage “Well it dates back to our honeymoon,” explained the woman. “We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn’t gone too far when my mule stumbled. My husband quietly said, "that's once". We proceeded a little further when the mule stumbled again. Once more he said quietly, "that’s twice". We hadn’t gone a half mile when the mule stumbled a third time. He promptly removed a gun from his pocket and shot the mule. Well, of course, I started to protest over his treatment of the mule. He looked at me and quietly said, "that’s once"....

[amptramp]

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"

 

Passenger: "Who?"

 

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian every single time."

 

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

 

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

 

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

 

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

 

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

 

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

 

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

 

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his damn widow."

[amptramp]

A Nun is having a bath in the monastery washroom when she hears a knock at the washroom door.

 

Panicked, she jumps out the bath and grabs a robe. "Who's there?"

 

"I'm a blind man" replies the voice from behind the door "the Bishop sent me, he said you maybe able to help. I only need a minute of your time."

 

"Oh, please come in, so long as your sure you won't be long" she says. She climb back into bath safe in the knowledge the man wont be able to see her uncovered body. "What can I help you with?"

 

The blind man replies "Nice tits, Love. Where do you want these blinds?"

[ehsnils]

The W.C.

An English lady, while visiting Switzerland, was looking for a room and asked a local schoolmaster if he could recommend any. He took her to several rooms and when everything was settled, she returned home to make final arrangements for moving. When she arrived home, the thought occurred to her that she had not seen a W.C. (Water Closet, or bathroom) around the place. She immediately wrote the schoolmaster, asking where the W.C. was. The schoolmaster didn't know the meaning of W.C. So, with a Priest's assistance, they came to the conclusion that it meant Wayside Chapel. He sent a letter back to the English lady that read:

 

Dear Madam,

 

I take great pleasure in informing you that the nearest W.C. is situated only nine miles from the house in a beautiful grove of trees. It is capable of holding thirty-two people; it is only open Mondays and Thursdays. There are a great number of people expected during the summer months, so I would suggest you come early although there usually is plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation, especially if you are in the habit of going regularly. You will, no doubt, be glad to hear that a number of people bring their lunch and make a day of it, while others who can't afford that - arrive just in time. I would recommend Thursday because on that day there is an organ accompanist. The acoustics are excellent and even the slightest sound can be heard everywhere. It may interest you to know that my daughter met her husband in the W.C. and they were married there. I can still vividly remember the rush for seats. Seven people crowded into seats for four. It was wonderful to see the expressions on their faces. There is a bell that rings every time someone enters. A bazaar is to be held to raise money for plush cushions. My wife is rather delicate, so she has not attended in over a year. Naturally, it pains her very much not to be able to go more often. I shall be delighted to reserve a seat for you if you wish, where you can be seen by all. Hoping to be of assistance, I am

 

Sincerely Yours,

 

The Schoolmaster

 

Moral: When preparing correspondence, make sure you are understood!

[wonka]

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.

Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing'."

After casting about for a suitable pearl,

He kept messing around and created a girl.

Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,

Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.

Two lovely hips to increase his desire,

And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.

Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,

Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.

Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,

And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.

Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,

And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.

'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.

Then he added a mouth.

Ruined the whole f*cking thing

[amptramp]

First day back at school for year one kids.

Teacher asks them what they did in the holidays.

Jenny: "We went to my uncle's farm and watched him shear the bah bahs!"

Teacher: "Come on Jenny, you're in year one now, they're called sheep. Anyone else?

Billy: "We went for a drive in the country and saw some moo moos!"

Teacher: "Now Billy, what did I tell Jenny? You're a big boy, they're called cows. Anyone else? (getting a bit annoyed now)"

 

Little Johnny is waving his hand furiously.

 

Teacher: "Okay Johnny, what did you do?"

Johnny: "I read a book."

Teacher: "Well done! How very grown up of you, Johnny! What was the book?"

Johnny: "Winnie the Shit!"

[ehsnils]

An elderly couple was flying to Hawaii for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary.

 

Suddenly, over the public address system, the captain announces, “Ladies and gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives.”

 

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

 

An hour later, the husband turns to his wife and asks, “Honey, did we pay the car bill this month?”

 

“No, sweetheart,” she responds.

 

Still shaken from the crash landing, he then asks, “Did we pay our credit card bill yet?”

 

“Oh no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says.

 

“One last thing, did you remember to pay the medical bill for the hospital visit last month?” he asks.

 

“Oh, forgive me, sweetheart,” begged the wife. “I didn’t send that one, either.”

 

The husband grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 50 years. She pulls away and asks him, “What was the hug for?”

The husband answers, “They’ll find us!”

[ehsnils]

I talked to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended

up this way.

He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my

clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had

TV and Internet, and I went to the gym and the library.

I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even

had full medical and dental coverage."

 

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"

 

"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no. I just got out of prison..."

[johnwarner]

hello

i like funny jokes.it's very intresting and also new user.

 

regards

john warner

[bosco]

hello

i like funny jokes.it's very intresting and also new user.

 

regards

john warner

 

We like funny jokes also please post some.

 

 

 

btw Welcome to the forum.

 

New Member Introductions

 

http://legacygt.com/forums/forumdisplay.php/new-member-introductions-40.html

[Picky1]

Craigslist tanslations:

 

Mint = Rips unnoticeable with seat covers

Buy Here Pay Here = We charge exorbitant interest

Runs and Drives 100 = It's amazing this piece of junk turned over. Crossing my fingers it works when you come see it.

Loaded = Base model

Power Everything = Power windows

Custom = Stupid-looking 22" rims/ tacky paint job

Gas Saver = Slow

Fast = I've dogged this car all out

Low Miles = Never runs / wrecked / salvage title

Highway Miles = High miles

Must Sell = Before the engine falls out of the bottom

OBO = I'll never get five grand for a 1983 Civic

No Rust = Hoping you won't notice the rust

Needs paint = lots of rust

Fresh Paint! = Those aren't rust bubbles.

RUNS & LOOKS GOOD = ;Can't see the dents from 10 feet

WOW CHEAP! = Blown head gasket / totalled

Needs Nothing = Down two quarts and still original struts at 120k miles

Classic = Beater

Parts Car& = Wasp colony inside

Project Car = I [censored] it up by trying to make it a rice rod and now it's toast.

No engine leaks = Everything else leaks

very nice = not very nice

AC needs charge = AC needs $$$$

8/10 = 2/10

Good tires = Has tires

New tires = Needs expensive front end work

Reduced = still way more than it's worth

Freshly detailed = My kids destroyed it.

one careful owner = 6 not so careful ones

Owned by an old lady = Owned by a leadfoot teenager.

Needs Some Body Work = Covered in bondo / missing both bumpers

Looks Like New = I washed it

Loaded With Options = there's a radio in there.

All Original = I never had anything fixed, adjusted, or replaced.

Project Car = POS

Lots Of Potential = POS

Needs Minor Repair = POS

Mechanic's Special = POS

Always garaged = Because it never starts

Rare = I never leave the small town I'm in

Selling for a friend = The owner is too honest / My 'friend' is my senile grandpa and I need gambling money.

Won several car show awards = Check out the trophies my buddies and I made for ourselves and our car club.

Too many projects = My wife is going to leave if I don't get this out of the garage

Not enough time to repair = I have no idea how to fix this / I'm broke.

Make offer = No idea what the car is worth.

OBO = I'll take what I can get

Many new parts--And lots more needed!

Minor oil leak = I hope you hate your driveway. Keep a couple quarts in your trunk just to be safe.

Must see to appreciate = How ridiculous my description is.

Moving, must sell = This car probably won't make it across town.

My loss is your gain = I got screwed, now it's your turn.

Nicest one on Craigslist = Only one on craigslist.

Low Miles = Replaced gauge cluster

All Services Performed = I changed the oil.

[FJuan]

A Husband and Wife were Christmas Shopping and were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on his mobile.

The wife said " Where are you, you know we have a lot to do.

He said "You remember the jeweler we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? >

I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"

Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up…

"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.

"Well I am in the gun shop next door to that."

[ehsnils]

Since it's the season of snow removal I found this (Google Translated).

 

1. Nihilistic snow removing

 

No snow removed at all. It would still new snow next year, and then we'll all die.

 

2. Deterministic snow removing

 

Half-hearted efforts. Soon, greenhouse gases still have abolished the snow phenomenon in Sweden.

 

3. Neofascist snow removing

 

Rugged snow removal on ordinary honest people's driveways. The snow is then placed next to parliament, media editors and asylum accommodations.

 

4. Postmodernist snow removal

 

No action. Everyone is entitled to their own experience of accessibility.

 

5. Maoist snow removing

 

All the snow is collected centrally and then distributed out fairly across the city, according to a five-month plan.

 

6. Liberal Party snow removing

 

All surfaces in the city priority, but with reason.

 

7. Satanic snow removing

 

Already at the end of October burning crosses and kittens are placed at important traffic junctions, which melts the snow before it has time to fold.

 

8. Neo-liberal snow removing

 

The snow privatized, after which it is collected and moved by the market's invisible hand.

 

9. Absurd snow removing

 

All with the last name beginning with "H" are encouraged to take on a funny hat and go out and eat snow.

[amptramp]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students.

 

The teacher asked, “Harry, what exactly is your problem?”

 

Harry answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade, too!”

 

Ms. Brooks finally had enough; she took Harry to the principal’s office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

 

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him. And he happily agreed to take the test.

 

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”

 

Harry: “9.”

 

Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”

 

Harry: “36.”

 

And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know.

 

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “y’know, I reckon Harry can go to the 3rd grade.”

 

But Ms. Brooks is still sceptical of the little bugger and says to the principal, "Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions.”

 

The principal and Harry both agree.

 

Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”

 

Harry, after a moment: “Legs.”

 

Ms. Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”

 

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

 

Harry replied: “Pockets.” to the Principal’s great relief...

 

Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”

 

Harry: “Pants.”

 

By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open.

 

Ms. Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”

 

Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Harry replied, “Bubble gum.”

 

Ms. Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?”

 

Harry: “Shake hands.”

 

The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question.

 

Ms. Brooks: “What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?”

 

Harry: "Firetruck.”

 

The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher, "Put the little sh*t in 5th Grade; I got the last seven questions wrong myself.”

[Scooby Fan]

I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

 

I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

 

So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

 

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

 

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

 

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'

 

I told him I was a light bulb.

 

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'

 

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

 

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark.

[stm25rs]

I call my girlfriend Bambi....

 

She thinks it's cause she's cute, with big brown eyes.

 

 

 

 

Really, it's cause I want to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle

[wonka]

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger he delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!

"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"