Friday Funny jokes- GO!

[Picky1]

I took down my Rebel Flag (which you can't buy on E-Bay anymore) and peeled the NRA sticker off the front door. I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch.

 

I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard.

 

Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you can buy on E-Bay) and put it in the center of the yard.

 

 

Now,the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service, and other government agencies are all watching the house 24/7. I've never felt safer, and I'm saving $69.95 a month

[SBT]

Red Skelton's recipe for the perfect marriage

 

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

 

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

 

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

 

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

 

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

 

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

 

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."

 

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

 

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".

 

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

 

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.

 

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

 

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"

I said, "Dust!".

[bosco]

That's good humor and shows a true talent unlike todays comics were every other word is a curse word.

[ehsnils]

A man phones a lawyer and asks, "How much would you charge for just answering three simple questions?"

The lawyer replies, "A thousand dollars."

"A thousand dollars!" exclaims the man. "That's very expensive isn't it?"

"It certainly is," says the lawyer. "Now, what's your third question?"

[Scooby Fan]

A flight is on its way to New York when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York and I’m staying right here.”

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won’t move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York and I’m staying right here.”

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.

The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.”

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry.” And gets up and goes back to her seat in economy…

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

I told her, “First class isn’t going to New York “.

 

[SBT]

[700watts]

^Wow, that one there

[ehsnils]

WISCONSIN:

 

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 38

inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim

by, you might live in Wisconsin.

 

If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each

year because Park Falls is the coldest spot in the nation, you might

live

in Wisconsin.

 

If you have ever refused to buy something because it's "too spendy", you

might live in Wisconsin.

 

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you

might

live in Wisconsin.

 

If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the

year,

you might live in Wisconsin.

 

If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there,

you

might live in Wisconsin.

 

If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his

forehead, you might live in Wisconsin.

 

If you may not have actually eaten it, but you have heard of Head

Cheese,

you might live in Wisconsin.

 

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in

Wisconsin.

 

If you have either a pet or a child named "Brett", you might live in

Wisconsin.

 

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in

Wisconsin.

 

If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed

a

wrong number, you might live in Wisconsin.

 

If you know how to say Shawano, Oconomowoc, Waukesha, Menomonie,

& Manitowoc,

You might live in Wisconsin.

 

If you think that ketchup is a little too spicy, you might live in Wisconsin.

 

If every time you see moonlight on a lake, you think of a dancing bear,

and

you sing gently, "From the land of sky-blue waters, you might live in Wisconsin.

 

Your minister cuts his sermon short on NFL game Sunday's. (I added this --J)

 

 

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE WISCONSINITE WHEN:

 

1. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.

 

2. "Vacation" means going up north past Hwy 8 for the weekend.

 

3. You measure distance in hours.

 

4. You know several people who have hit deer more than once.

 

5. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.

 

6. Your whole family wears Packer Green to church on Sunday.

 

7. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard,

without flinching.

 

8. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including

weddings and funerals ).

 

9. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

 

10. You think of the major food groups as beer, fish, and venison.

 

11. You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife or girlfriend

knows how to use them.

 

12. There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at Mill's Fleet

Farm at any given time.

 

13. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

 

14. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

 

15. You refer to the Packers as "we."

 

16. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road

construction. Or as my granddaddy used to say, "nine months of winter,

and three months of tough sledding."

 

17. You can identify a southern or eastern accent.

 

18. You have no problem pronouncing Lac Du Flambeau. Or Lake Butte des Morts.

 

19. You consider Minneapolis exotic

 

20. You know how to polka.

 

21. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your

blue spruce.

 

22. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.

 

23. Down South to you means Illinois.

 

24. A brat is something you eat.

 

25. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed.

 

26. You go out to fish fry every Friday

 

27. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.

 

28. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

 

29. You find minus twenty degrees "a little chilly."

 

30. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all

your Wisconsin friends.

[amptramp]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that he would hear nothing and would therefore never have to testify in court.

 

When the Godfather goes to confront his bookkeeper about the missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is." The lawyer, using sign language, asks, "Where's the money?

 

The bookkeeper signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says, he doesn't know what you are talking about."

 

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to his bookkeeper's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!" The lawyer signs, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

 

He trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

 

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say? WHAT DID HE SAY?"

 

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

[bosco]

^ Now that 's funny.

[ehsnils]

http://www.bedug.com/pics/Fun3/165558-00ab489ae7a3cec7eeb14e23a970240e.jpg

[ehsnils]

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

 

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked

 

"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered.

"On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota,

I came upon a gang of bikers

who were threatening a young woman.

I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and

smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out

his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now,

back off or I'll kick the s#*t out of all of you!' "

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"Couple of minutes ago."

[wonka]

So, I was walking in downtown New York when I saw that there was a "Muslim Bookstore." I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore, so I went in. As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me. I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientel, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"

 

The clerk said, "**** off, get out and stay out!"

 

I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?

[700watts]

[Scooby Fan]

Two women were sitting quietly together,

Minding their own business.

[SBT]

^ I call BS.

[SBT]

Two Southern Ladies

 

Two southern ladies are sitting at the country club by the pool. The first southern lady says, "When I had my first child, my husband bought me a diamond ring." The second lady says, "Well, isn't that nice."

 

The first lady says, "When my second child was born, my husband took me on a cruise." The second lady says,''well isn't that nice

 

The first lady continues, "When my third child was born, my husband took me on a trip around the world." And the second lady says, once again, "Well, isn't that nice."

 

The first lady asks, "Well, what did your husband get you when your first child was born?" The second lady repiles, "My husband sent me to finishing school."

 

The first lady asks, "Well why did he do that?" And the second lady says, "So I could learn to say ‘Well isn't that nice,’ instead of ‘**** YOU’!"

[ehsnils]

http://4385k233v08q1gpmcf1e5z5k.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/Image-12.jpg

[wonka]

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.

 

Nothing was moving.

 

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

 

The driver rolls down the window and asks,

"What's going on?"

 

"Terrorrists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire.

 

We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

 

"How much is everyone giving, on an average?", the driver asks.

 

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

[ehsnils]

The bodybuilder takes off his shirt and the blonde says,

 

'What a Great chest you have!'

 

He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'

 

He takes off his pants and the blonde says,

 

'What massive calves you have!'

 

The bodybuilder tells her,

 

'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'

 

He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.

 

The bodybuilder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

 

The blonde replies, 'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!'

[Scooby Fan]

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius..

 

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

 

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."--Mariah Carey

 

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"

Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign

 

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"

Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

 

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"

Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .

 

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"

A congressional candidate in Texas.

 

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

 

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it..."

Al Gore, Vice President

 

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix ."

Dan Quayle

 

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we really need?"

Lee Iacocca

 

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

 

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."

Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

 

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina "Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."

Keppel Enderbery - Australian Politician and Judge

 

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this device in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."-- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

Edited March 5, 2016 by Scooby Fan

[ehsnils]

While walking down the street one day, a presidential

candidate was struck by a car and killed. His soul arrives

in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

“Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “It seems there is a

problem. We seldom see a high officials around these

parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” says the politician.

“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from the higher ups.

What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and

one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

“Really? I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,”

says the politician.

“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.”

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and

he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and

he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.

In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it

are all his friends and other politicians who had worked

with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress.

They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce

about the good times they had while getting rich at the

expense of the people. They then dined on lobster,

caviar and the finest champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly

guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are all having such a good time that before the

politician realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves

while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in

heaven where St. Peter is waiting , “Now it’s time to visit

heaven…”

The politician joins a group of contented souls moving

from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They

have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours

have gone by and St. Peter returns.

“Well, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven.

Now choose your eternity.”

The politician reflects for a minute, then answers:

“I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been

delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes

down, down, down to hell…

Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle

of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He

sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash

and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the

ground.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm

around the politician’s shoulders.

“I don’t understand,” stammers the politician.

“Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse,

and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced

and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland

full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”

The devil smiles at him and says,

“Yesterday we were campaigning, Today, you voted.”

 

The moral of this story is: Vote wisely on Election Day!

[ehsnils]

Why do ducks have flat webbed feet? - So they can stamp out forest fires.

Why do elephants have flat round feet? - To stamp out burning ducks.

Why should you avoid the forest between 4pm and 6pm? - That's when elephants are stamping out burning ducks.

Why are Pygmies so short? - They were in the forest between 4pm and 6pm.

[LatentWagen]

MacGregor comes into the pub, sits down and says to the publican: look at this bar. I built this bar with my own hands out of oak. I laminated the planks, I planed it down and I finished it; am I known as MacGregor the bar-builder? No.

 

Come outside, look at this stone wall. I built it with my bare hands. I collected the stones, I stacked them. It's been here for 20 years; am I known as MacGregor the mason? No.

 

Come look at this pier. My father and I hewed these logs, we slung them together. We built the pier, we sank the posts. Am I known as MacGregor the pier-builder? No.

 

... You f**k one goat.

[wonka]

While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding his horse with his dog and a sheep, and he began a conversation.

 

Cowboy: "Hey, nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"

 

Indian: "Dog no talk."

 

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

 

Dog: "Doin' all right."

 

The Indian looks stunned.

 

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?", while pointing at the Indian.

 

Dog: "Yep."

 

Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"

 

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

 

The Indian has a look of disbelief on his face.

 

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

 

Indian: "Horse no talk."

 

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

 

Horse: "Good."

 

The Indian now has extreme look of shock.

 

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?", while pointing at the Indian.

 

Horse: "Yep."

 

Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"

 

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."

 

The Indian now has a look of utter amazement.

 

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

 

Indian: "Sheep lying bitch."