ehsnils Posted September 29, 2015 Share Posted September 29, 2015 Kiwi word list: http://www.chemistry.co.nz/kiwi.htm Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stm25rs Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 A Muslim and a feminist walk in to a bar.... [comedy removed due to complaints] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wonka Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 All this political correctness... I can't even call my disabled son disabled. Apparently it's termed my "daughter". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
700watts Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
islandborn Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 This makes me cry every time I read it. And being in Texas... I can understand. If its been posted before, sorry, but then its great that its being read again! "TEXAS CHILI COOKOFF" (If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running down your cheeks then there's no hope for you! *Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better! For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named "FRANK", who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event: Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili: Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans. Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer. Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB. bitch is starting to look HOT ... . . just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks! Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb! Judge #3-- I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone. Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like poop to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wonka Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 "QA Engineer walks into a bar. Orders a beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 9999999999 beers. Orders a lizard. Orders -1 beers. Orders a sfdeljknesv." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ehsnils Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 Q: What is the definition of a gentleman? A: Someone who knows how to play the bagpipes but decides not to play it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ehsnils Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 "QA Engineer walks into a bar. Orders a beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 9999999999 beers. Orders a lizard. Orders -1 beers. Orders a sfdeljknesv." Tester looks into spec: Specification of Bar software (short version – real version was on 259 pages in 15 documents without version control) The Water-module should send an integer every 10 ms requesting syssignal2 from RequestModule. Request module should if not in error state send ftt signal to GGGt module. The module shall depending on hrtmm signal decide push signal. If FFrt signal is lower or equal to gghh signal that should be true… or else 7. The bar must have the best beer. Test task: Please develop a test case to check bar software. … and then the tester started to play tic-tac-toe with his friend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wonka Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 Happy Birthday Marines! hopefully this one wasn't already posted: A Marine dies in combat and wakes up to find he is in hell. He's really depressed as he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor. He thinks to himself I know I lead a wild life but, Hell, I'm a Marine. We're expected to live wild lives. I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this. " Looking up he sees that it is his turn to be processed into hell. With fear and heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor. Counselor: What's the problem, you look depressed? Marine: Well, what do you think? I'm in hell. Counselor: Hell's not so bad; we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink? Marine: Of course I do. I'm a Marine. Counselor: Well then, you are going to love Mondays, On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke? Marine: Yes, as a matter of fact I do. Counselor: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays. Do you like to fight? Marine: Of course I do. I'm a Marine! Counselor: You are going to love Wednesdays. That's Fighting Day. We challenge each other to fights to see who's the toughest in Hell. You don't have to worry about getting hurt or killed, because you're already dead. You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble? Marine: Show me a Marine who doesn't! Counselor: You are going to love Thursdays, because we gamble all day and night. Black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You are going to love Thursdays. Are you gay? Marine: Of course, not! I'm a Marine! Counselor: Oh, well you're going to hate Fridays. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bosco Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 Mens Help Line Hello, you have reached the Men's Help Line. My name is Fred. How can I help you?� Hi Fred, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs: The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus she goes out with the girls a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight , I woke up and she was not home. So, I hid in the garage, behind my boat and waited for her. When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, while crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"� Stay Stock Stay Happy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ehsnils Posted November 13, 2015 Share Posted November 13, 2015 When anthropologists sees natives beating the ground with clubs they call it a primitive cultural expression. At home we call it golf. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SpecBGuy Posted November 14, 2015 Share Posted November 14, 2015 (edited) . Edited November 14, 2015 by SpecBGuy error Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ehsnils Posted November 14, 2015 Share Posted November 14, 2015 . You can actually delete posts that you don't want to be seen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stm25rs Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 A kid asks his dad "Dad, what does gay mean." The father replies, "well son, it means happy." The kid asks "are you gay, Dad?" The father somberly says "no....I have a wife." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wonka Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 In Russian Thanksgiving, Turkey shoots You! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
700watts Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 Nils? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amptramp Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 A Montana Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. "Fred," he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred," the man responds. The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?" The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson, from Missoula, Montana. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. "After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. "Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD. "Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my 'Johnson', so now, I'm, Just Fred." The officer walked away in tears, laughing..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fahr_side Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 The funny part is in the first line, that a Harley broke the speed limit. Sent from a device using some software. Obligatory '[URL="http://legacygt.com/forums/showthread.php/2008-gh8-238668.html?t=238668"]build thread[/URL]' Increased capacity to 2.7 liters, still turbo, but no longer need spark plugs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ehsnils Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 His name was Bubba, he was from Texas ... And he needed a loan, So... He walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan Officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an International Redneck Festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000, and that he was not a depositor of the bank. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest. Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the Texas for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it. Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of 23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a distinguished alumni from Texas A & M, a highly sophisticated investor and multi-millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?" His name was BUBBA.... Keep an eye on those Texas boys! Just because we talk funny does not mean we are stupid !!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wonka Posted December 21, 2015 Share Posted December 21, 2015 A blonde called her boyfriend and said, “Please come over here and help me… I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.” Her boyfriend asked, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?” The blonde said, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.” Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.” He took her hand and said, “Second, I’d want you to relax… Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then…” He sighed, “let’s put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ehsnils Posted December 26, 2015 Share Posted December 26, 2015 St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?" "Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?" "Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven." "Sounds easy enough. OK." So Jesus manned the gates for St. Peter. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to sit down and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?" The old man replied, "I was a carpenter." Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked. "Yes, I had a son, but I lost him." Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?" "Well, he had holes in his hands and feet." Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?" The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SBT Posted January 1, 2016 Share Posted January 1, 2016 Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what? Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir. - Pro amore Dei et patriam et populum - Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ehsnils Posted January 2, 2016 Share Posted January 2, 2016 A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?” Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them herself. Two lessons here: 1. Many lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are. 2. Most blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scooby Fan Posted January 5, 2016 Share Posted January 5, 2016 On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" And God saw that it was good. On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God, again saw that it was good. On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed that it was good. On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You asked for it." So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wonka Posted January 6, 2016 Share Posted January 6, 2016 Two priests are driving along the road when they get stopped by a police officer. The officer walks up to the priests' car and tells them, "Hello sirs, we're looking for two child molesters. The priest in the driver's seat turns to the other, and after a brief moment of conversation, turns back to the officer and says, "Yeah, okay, we'll do it.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now