Friday Funny jokes- GO!

[Scooby Fan]

When I first noticed that my penis was growing larger

And staying erect longer, I was delighted, as was my wife.

 

But... After several weeks, my penis had grown fifty centimeters.

I became quite concerned. I was having problems dressing, and even walking.

So the wife and I went to see a prominent urologist.

 

After an initial examination, the doctor explained to us that,

though rare, my condition (Donkey Doodle) could be fixed through corrective surgery.

"How long will he be on crutches?" my wife asked anxiously.

 

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

 

 

 

 

 

"Well," Said my wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?

;)

[jj808]

http://img-9gag-ftw.9cache.com/photo/ax2bwPW_700b.jpg

[jj808]

http://hugelolcdn.com/i460/317826.jpg

[Picky1]

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in

Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge hairy armpit, as

she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man

among ye hare will buy a lady a drink?"

 

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. Down at the

end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter

and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

 

Shamus, the bartender, poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing

the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

 

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and

said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

 

Shamus approached the drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your

business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep

calling her a ballerina?"

 

Paddy replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to

be a ballerina!"

[bosco]

THE FROZEN LITTLE SKUNK

Rick and his wife, Anne, were driving home one very cold

 

> night in Wisconsin, when Anne asks her husband to stop the

 

> car. Anne jumps out and picks up a little bundle laying in

 

> the road. She brings it back to the car and it turns out it

 

> was a baby skunk. It was barely alive, but very cold.

 

> Anne says to Rick, "It's nearly frozen to death.

 

> Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the

 

> morning?"

 

> He says, "Okay, get in the car with it."

 

> "Where shall I put it to keep it warm?, says Anne.

 

> Rick says "Put it between your legs. It ought to be

 

> nice and warm there."

 

> Anne says, "But what about the smell?"

 

> So he says, "Just hold his little nose."

 

> Rick is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat

 

> him with died at the scene.

[Scooby Fan]

Billy Bob & Bubba were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

 

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

 

“We have to find the height of the flagpole,” said Bubba, “but we don't have a ladder.”

 

The woman said, “Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox."

 

She loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down.

 

Then she took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement, and announced,

 

“Eighteen feet, six inches” and walked away.

 

Billy Bob shook his head and laughed.

 

“Ain't that just like a Miss know-it-all woman, we ask for the height and she gives us the length!”

 

Bubba and Billy Bob are still working for the government.

[ehsnils]

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-a-mTvkHvXE8/VJIfjx_7moI/AAAAAAAARwY/Ai5biDK5k7E/s1600/Dolly1.jpg

Queen Elizabeth and

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-VUUDk4bCkwc/VJIfj8XmfdI/AAAAAAAARwg/0N6xqwoelz0/s1600/Dolly2.jpg

Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel

 

to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-oM-ekBEzOyA/VJIfkIzKD2I/AAAAAAAARwc/xCG8_64dCI0/s1600/Dolly3.jpg

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day,

so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she

should go to Heaven..

 

Dolly takes off her top and says,

'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts

God ever created, and I'm sure

it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down.

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-54AhV7xRkO0/VJIfk3MpyZI/AAAAAAAARww/Oxos5KOFFcM/s1600/Dolly5.jpg

Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-3_g1jLF_q7A/VJIfkzCViTI/AAAAAAAARw0/EGFoMfe9yYc/s1600/Dolly6.jpg

The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'

 

Dolly is outraged and asks,

'What was that all about?

I show you two of God's own perfect creations

and you turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in!

Would you explain that to me?'

 

'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, ‘but even in Heaven,

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-71r6fKqRF2A/VJIflXqRY9I/AAAAAAAARxA/oN8VH81LRVg/s1600/Dolly7.jpg

a Royal Flush

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-3MJHU6BR4SI/VJIflreM2eI/AAAAAAAARxE/rxZYr2ZeD38/s1600/Dolly8.jpg

beats a Pair - no matter how big they are.

[Scooby Fan]

Voted Best Scottish Short Joke

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

'Excuse me Miss, do ye hae ony books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,

'Buggeroff, ye'll no bring it back!'

[ehsnils]

Same Sex marriage

Norman and Barry got married in California.

 

 

They couldn't afford a honeymoon so they go back to

Norman's Mom and Dad's house for their first married

night together.

 

In the morning, Johnny, Norman's little brother, gets up

and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to

go to school, he asks his mom if Norman and Barry are

up yet. She replies, 'No'.

 

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think!

Just go to school.'

 

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom,

'Are Norman and Barry up yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

 

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think!

Eat your lunch and go back to school '

 

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,

'Are Norman and Barry up yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'

 

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'

 

 

 

He says: 'Last night Norman came to my room for the

Vaseline and I think...

I gave him my airplane glue.'

[700watts]

[Picky1]

NORWEGIAN VIRGIN WEDDING:

 

Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch; writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.

 

As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said: "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance, Lena, is still a virgin -- in every vay.

 

The doctor told him, "Olaf, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere as long as you can. He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art.

 

Olaf mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and they went on their honeymoon to Duluth. That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said: "Olaf...you're the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez." Olaf immediately dropped his pants and replied:

 

 

"Look at dis Lena ... still in DA CRATE!"

[700watts]

[ehsnils]

Loaded Gun hidden In suspect’s Vagina

 

APRIL 22--A 19-year-old Tennessee woman had a loaded handgun hidden in her vagina when she was brought into jail yesterday afternoon following a collar for driving with a suspended license, police report.

 

As Dallas Archer was being booked into the Kingsport jail, a female corrections officer alerted to an “unknown object” in the teenager’s crotch during a search.

 

The jailer and a female cop then accompanied Archer to a bathroom for further examination, a review that led to the recovery of a “North American Arms 22 LR revolver (loaded) which Ms. Dallas had concealed in her vagina,”according to a Kingsport Police Department report.

 

A subsequent check revealed that the five-shot mini-revolver--which is four inches in length--had been “stolen from an auto burglary in 2013.” The handgun, which police valued at $250, is owned by John Souther, a 70-year-old retired car salesman.

 

In a TSG interview, Souther said that the gun was taken from his 1994 Mustang, which was “ransacked” last year while parked in his Kingsport carport. Souther said that police told him that the revolver had been recovered, but offered no further details. When told where the gun had been stashed, Souther said, “Oh, gosh.” He noted that he would eventually like “the little fellow” returned, but added that the weapon would require “a bath in bleach.”

 

News of the weapon in Archer’s vagina was first reported by the Kingsport Times-News.

 

Archer, seen in the above mug shot, was charged with gun possession and introducing contraband into a penal facility.

 

According to a jail official, Archer was released from custody after posting $6000 bond.

AND NOW THE READER RESPONSES

 

1. ​I thought it was her gun. Turns out it was snatched!

 

2. Gives new meaning to a gun having a "hair trigger".

 

3. Happiness is a warm gun?

 

4. At four inches in length it comes off as half cocked...

 

5. "For sale AA22LR never used; still in the box."

 

6. Report reads, "...Introducing contraband into a penal

facility." Shouldn't that be 'penile' facility?

 

7. If it went off, could you call it her 'boom box'?

 

8. Remember : Every vagina is to be treated as if it is

loaded. Always keep it pointed in a safe direction.

 

9. They say it was a gun, but something smells fishy.

 

10.You can have my gun when you can pry it from

my cold, stinking...

 

11. Oh my... accident waiting to happen.

Could 'shoot the beaver'.

 

12.I have heard of shooting your mouth off,

but this takes on a "hole" new meaning...

 

13.Complete reversal on the classic, "Is that a pistol in

your pocket or are you just glad to see me?"

 

14.I wonder if she had 'gun-areah'?

 

15.Gives a whole new meaning to "Vaginal Discharge"...

 

16.Do you suppose she had a 'rectal reloader'?

 

17.A gun in hand is worth 2 in the bush?

 

18.Figures... it uses 'rim shot' ammo.

 

19. This supports the “Big Bang” theory.

 

 

 

I wonder if she went off with a bang?

 

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/file/loaded-gun-vagina

 

[700watts]

[Squad51]

[ehsnils]

 

http://www.bedug.com/pics/Fun3/_68285582_troll624.jpg

[Squad51]

Damn straight. Giving the troll some of his own medicine.

[ehsnils]

Hunter was 4 years old and was staying with his

grandfather for a few days. He'd been playing outside

with the other kids, when he came into the house and

asked, 'Grandpa, what's that called when two people

sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?'

His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to

tell him the truth.

'Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse.’ ‘Oh,’ Little

Hunter said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the

other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said

angrily, 'Grandpa, it isn't called sexual intercourse.

It's called Bunk Beds.

And Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you.

[Scooby Too]

My first drink with my son

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.

Off we went to our local pub which is only two blocks from the house.

I got us some Fosters, he didn't like it – so I had his as well.

Then I got us some Carling Black Labels, he didn't like it, so I had his again.

It was the same with the 1664 Lager, Premium Dry Cider and all the other beers we tried.

By the time we got down to the whiskey I could hardly push the bloody pram back home.

[700watts]

Damn straight. Giving the troll some of his own medicine.

 

Sound like a little pissy b'tch to me;)

[ehsnils]

On the old Pentium Divison bug (for those of us old enough to remember)

I am Pentium Of Borg.

Division is futile.

You will be approximated.

[Scooby Fan]

BIOLOGY EXAM:

 

This is straight from Scotland. Students in an advanced Biology class

were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven

advantages of Mother's Milk. The question was worth 70 points or none

at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven

advantages. However, he wrote:

 

1) It is the perfect formula for a child.

2) It provides immunity against several diseases.

3) It is always the right temperature.

4) It is inexpensive.

5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

6) It is always available as needed.

 

And then the student was stuck.

Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end

of the test, he wrote:

 

7) It comes in two attractive containers which are high enough off the

ground where the cat can't get it.

 

He got an A.

[Picky1]

On a Cowboy tombstone:

 

Five rules for men to follow for a happy life:

 

1. It’s important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

 

2. It’s important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

 

3. It’s important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn’t lie to you.

 

4. It’s important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

 

5. It’s very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

[ehsnils]

Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

 

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish,

 

Bob says, ‘I think I will divorce my wife.

She hasn’t spoken to me in over 2 months.’

 

Charles continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,

 

‘You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.’

[JmP6889928]

http://dontpkethebear.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/01/a_1256_20150126141941.jpg