ehsnils Posted May 16, 2014 Share Posted May 16, 2014 Nurses Revenge... Four nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for, whom they all felt was an arrogant jerk. Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed what they had done to the doctor. The first nurse said, "I stuffed cotton in his stethoscope so he couldn't hear." The second nurse said, "I let the mercury out of his thermometers and painted them all to read 106 degrees." The third nurse said, "Well, I did worse than that. I poked holes in all of the condoms that he keeps in his desk drawer." The fourth nurse fainted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scooby Fan Posted May 22, 2014 Share Posted May 22, 2014 The Secret of a long life !!! > > Interview with 101 year old Hattie Mae MacDonald of Feague, Kentucky... "For better digestion I drink beer, in the case of appetite loss I drink white wine, in the case of low blood pressure I drink red wine, in the case of high blood pressure I drink scotch, and when I have a cold I drink schnapps." When do you drink water? > > > " I've never been that sick!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JmP6889928 Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JmP6889928 Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 A guy goes over to his friend’s house, rings the bell, and the wife answers. “Hi, is Tony home?” “No, he went to the store.”, she replies. “Well, you mind if I wait?” “No, come in.” They sit down and the friend says “You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I’d give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one.”Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell – a hundredbucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says “They are so beautiful I’ve got to see the both of them. I’ll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together.” Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can’t wait any longer and leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says “You know, your weird friend Chris came over. “ Tony thinks about this for a second and says “Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ehsnils Posted May 30, 2014 Share Posted May 30, 2014 A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened. The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved. And he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Communist who isn't even an American. So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, ‘Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!’ And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scooby Fan Posted June 16, 2014 Share Posted June 16, 2014 A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" " Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste." "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump." "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling jo b, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me." "Oh, really! What did he say?" He said: "Who f**ked up your hair?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ehsnils Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper. The Doctor asks : "What's the problem? The woman says : "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me." The Doctor says : "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down." Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. The woman says : "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?" The Doctor says : "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JmP6889928 Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 The Out House is Broken http://i2.wp.com/dontpkethebear.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/images-4.jpg?resize=224%2C225 Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out…. “Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!” Pa replies, “There ain’t nuthin wrong with the outhouse.” Ma yells back, “Yes there is, now git out there and fix it.” So…….Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, “Ma There ain’t nuthin wrong with the outhouse! “ Ma replies, “Stick yur head in the hole!” Pa yells back, “I ain’t stickin my head in that hole!” Ma says, “Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix.” So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, “Ma There ain’t nuthin wrong with this outhouse!” Ma hollers back, “Now take your head out of the hole!” Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, “Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!” To which Ma replies,…… “Hurt’s, don’t it ?!” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jj808 Posted June 27, 2014 Share Posted June 27, 2014 http://hugelolcdn.com/i460/293243.jpg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jj808 Posted June 27, 2014 Share Posted June 27, 2014 http://hugelolcdn.com/i460/293246.jpg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JmP6889928 Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 It's early but what the hell..LOL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Picky1 Posted August 2, 2014 Share Posted August 2, 2014 A guy's wife came early and found her husband making love with a young attractive woman. "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife and mother of your children! I am leaving you." The husband replied, "Hang on a minute, love, so at least I can tell you what happened." "Go ahead", she sobbed, "but probably they will be the last words you will say to me." And the husband began, "Well, I was getting in to the car to drive home, this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless, that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid that you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair of the same." The husband took a quick breath and continued, "She was so grateful for my understanding and help, as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please, do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?' That's how we ended up in bed." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scooby Fan Posted August 2, 2014 Share Posted August 2, 2014 Guy comes home from work with the nagging feeling that he has forgotten something important....the house is in darkness except for a faint light from the bedroom. That's when he remembers...It is his anniversary and he has totally forgotten about. Just then the bedroom door slides open and his wife of 25 years is standing there in a sheer negligee...... She says... "Honey do you remember this outfit?" He replies... "Oh yeah...I bought that for you for our wedding night" She says...."yes it is....do you remember what you thought that night??" He....."Oh yes...I wanted to f*ck you until your brains were dead and your t*ts were flat" She... "What do you think right now???" He...... "Mission accomplished" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ehsnils Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn’t take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan and says with a sneer, "So, how are things in Hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. There’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." "What!" God exclaims, "You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake, he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me." "Not a chance", Satan replies, "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him!" God insists, "Send him back or I’ll sue!" Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Picky1 Posted August 15, 2014 Share Posted August 15, 2014 Why Some Men Have a Dog And No Wife: 1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you. 2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name. 3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor. 4. A dog's parents never visit. 5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across. 6. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk. 7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing. 8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?" 9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away. 10. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert. 11. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting. And last... But not least: 12. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff. To test this theory: Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Picky1 Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 A Redneck Love Poem Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ehsnils Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 Found elsewhere: modern cars are designed by putting a block of ice in a wind tunnel on a hot day. half an hour: full sized van 45 minutes: mini van hour: commuter SUV 75 minutes: sedan hour and a half: big V8 sports car 2 hours: commuter car 2 & a half hours: rinky dink 4 banger sports car you can't make a melting block of ice look like an original dodge dart Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scooby Fan Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 A teacher's story about stuttering A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says. A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.' The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well," she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard. 'That must've been scary,' said the teacher. 'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before she could say 'F*ck-off!,' the Rottweiler ate her! The teacher had to leave the room. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stang70Fastback Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 This isn't so much a joke, but this was what Zach Galifianakis said during an interview on The Daily Show the other day: “Before we went to interview the president, I ate in the White House with his staff — you know, young, six to eight of them. There’s a restaurant in the White House,” Galifianakis said during an appearance on “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.” “You don’t have to pay, but there’s a dessert menu,” the comedian continued. “And on the dessert menu, there’s something called Chocolate Freedom.” At this point, Stewart interjected, expressing disbelief that such a dish existed. “Yeah, and I say to the staff, not trying to be funny, ‘You guys call the president that, right?’” Galifianakis said he was worried he might get in trouble for the wisecrack, but that it was well received by the staff. “You know what they said?” he continued. “You’ve got to ask him that!” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Picky1 Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 (edited) A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you." She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single, and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!" "OK," the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party." Edited October 24, 2014 by Picky1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scooby Fan Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part. I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next BM could spell disaster. My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off. I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it. After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!" I woke up this morning at 8, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30. Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel. The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!" My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!" A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister." "That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous brothers." A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ehsnils Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 From a quiz program: Q: What does the 'R' on the gearstick stand for? A: Retard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ehsnils Posted November 3, 2014 Share Posted November 3, 2014 Cop: License and registration please Me: Here, your majesty. Cop: Do you realize you were on the wrong side of the road? Me: Yes, I was trying to avoid that pothole that went down to the Marianas Trench....just like every other car that goes this way. Cop: (Peering inside my car) What''s that white powder on your seat? Me: It's powdered sugar....from a doughnut. You should know; your'e a cop. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
700watts Posted November 3, 2014 Share Posted November 3, 2014 Nope don't think so Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Picky1 Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.' The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' 'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?' 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed.' 'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.' The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.' Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'Four months holiday and five good leads...' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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