Colonoscopy

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I called my friend Andy Sable, a Gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a Colonoscopy.

 

A few days later in his office, Andy showed me a colour diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis ..

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

 

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, "HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET LONG UP YOUR BEHIND!"

 

I left Andy's office with some written instructions and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say, that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies..

 

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

 

Then on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basicallywater, only with less flavour.

 

Then in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system like me, a litre I think is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

 

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humour, state that after you drink it, "a loose, watery bowel movement may result."

 

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

 

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic here but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

 

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

 

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, "What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologise to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough."

 

At the clinic, I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

 

Then a nurse named Eddie, put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full 'Fire Hose' mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

 

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point..

 

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

 

There was music playing in the room, and I realised that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy, that of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

 

"You want me to turn it up?" said Andy from somewhere behind me..

 

"Ha ha," I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself because I am going to tell you in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

 

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

 

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over and that my colon had passed with flying colours. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

 

 

On the subject of Colonoscopies...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy Doc.. You're boldly going where no man has gone before."

 

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

 

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

 

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

 

5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

 

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners Chief?"

 

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

 

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

 

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"

 

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

 

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron didn't you?"

 

12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."

 

And the best one of all:

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"

[tito_b0y]

Being a radiography student who will be doing barium studies in the near future, I find this HILARIOUS! :lol::lol:

[ehsnils]

I have done gastroscopy twice and I can imagine...

[Kevin509]

Being a radiography student who will be doing barium studies in the near future, I find this HILARIOUS! :lol::lol:

 

 

Barium is F'ckin GROSS. I was in the hospital for a week once with 105+ degree fevers. Had to drink that crap on four separate occasions, and it's really, really bad.

 

 

On a totally different note, my dad recently had a colonoscopy, and he had to take that Moviprep stuff and he's got a pretty good sense of humor, he called it "the night of 1000 waterfalls" hahaha

[GTTuner]

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic here but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch?

 

 

This is so funny, I thank you for shraring your experiments!!!!! :lol:

[BAC5.2]

http://i.imgur.com/is8n2.gif

 

[Stang70Fastback]

Too bad, because you're missing out. It's pretty funny.

[tito_b0y]

Barium is F'ckin GROSS. I was in the hospital for a week once with 105+ degree fevers. Had to drink that crap on four separate occasions, and it's really, really bad.

 

 

On a totally different note, my dad recently had a colonoscopy, and he had to take that Moviprep stuff and he's got a pretty good sense of humor, he called it "the night of 1000 waterfalls" hahaha

 

Ah, well I'm sure if you've had pizza four days in a row you'd hate it as well. I've heard from some patients that barium is a blessing considering they're not allowed to eat anything solid 24 hours before the procedure

[TrueWhiteBoy]

I had one about 3 or 4 months ago.

 

Everything leading up to the actual test is farrrr worse than the actual procedure, but yeah the stuff that you have to take the day before the procedure is just painful.

They want you to drink 2 liters of the stuff in under two hours.

 

After the fact I found out I was allowed to mix it with Gatorade :-/

 

...but I was put under

 

 

On another less funny note Ulcerative Colitis suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks, not a fun disease at any age, but it definitely puts a damper on a 28 year old's social life. I'm only just now starting to feel mostly normal again.

[FJuan]

Got to remember the vodka next time, awesome.

 

I feel your pain WhiteBoy, I've had UC for half my life until 3 years ago. Went through a sugery proceedure that corrected most of it, and now I feel great. Now I have to take Humira on a regular basis to keep it in check.

[CapnJack]

My brother recently had a colonoscopy done. His comments were quite humorous when he was coming out from being under.

 

He asked the doc several times if he found his head up there because his wife's been wondering.

 

He wanted a bean burrito in the worst way after the procedure and would not stop asking until he got one. He was then shocked when someone handed him one because he was just thinking he wanted one.

 

He asked the nurse if they used helium as the gas they used to fill up his colon during the procedure. Then he asked if he would fart "high pitched".

[StoplightAssassin]

f* you moviprep. f* you

[Gelacy]

Ugh, men and their jokes.

 

I lol'd so hard at that TL;DR gif though.

[FJuan]

Ugh, women and their nails, hair, clothes, and shoes.

[HDTurbo]

I had one about 3 or 4 months ago.

 

On another less funny note Ulcerative Colitis suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks, not a fun disease at any age, but it definitely puts a damper on a 28 year old's social life. I'm only just now starting to feel mostly normal again.

 

Take vitamin D.

 

And OP's post is a Dave Barry piece. Funny indeed

[TrueWhiteBoy]

Hmmm, didn't hear about the Vitamin D, considering how rarely I do get outside it sounds like it's worth a try.

[HDTurbo]

Google it up if you want, but there's been recent defensible scientific studies supporting Vit D and its benefit to regulating the immune system....proven cause of UC and Crohn's have been historically difficult to determine. Bacterial imbalance to autoimmune issues have been claimed.

 

I'll tell you that I had 2 months of grief starting in mid-Nov...bad symptoms...figured I'd be colectomized and wearing a bag...then I saw an article and got some D and within 3 days I was better than I had been in a long time. Sers, I'm shittin' golden rays of sunshine now.

[VermontGT]

"Flowers would not be enough" I started laughing so hard at this point