Friday Funny jokes- GO!

[ehsnils]

21 channel CB... I thought they were 40 channel these days. At least they are here.

[700watts]

There is, plus upper and lower side band so more like 120

[ehsnils]

There is, plus upper and lower side band so more like 120

Well, effectively 80 then if you run SSB on the channels since you can't run AM, FM and SSB at the same time on the same channel, but you can run USB and LSB at the same time on the same channel.

[700watts]

Okkk, you have 40 on USB, 40 on LSB , 40 traditional and I forgot about narrow band plus .010. By my math that's 120+ channels Edited June 4, 2015 by 700watts

[SneakyGT]

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day; and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make, I found a number, and dialed it. A man answered saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin, could I please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her (I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number). After hanging up with her, I decided to call the wrong number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" I wrote his number down, with the word "asshole" next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're and asshole!" It always cheered me up. When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic "Asshole" calling would have to stop. I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the caller ID program? He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some boy in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too. I dialed and someone said, "Hello?" I said, "Is this the man with the Black BMW for sale?" Yes it is." Can you tell me where I can see it?" Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front." "What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home every evening after five." "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Don, you're and asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. After several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea: I called Asshole #1. "Hello" "You're an asshole!" (but I didn't hang up). "Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah" I said. "Stop calling me," he screamed. "Make me" I said. "Who are you?" he asked. "My name is Don Hansen" "Yeah? Where do you live?" "Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house with my Black Beemer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don, and you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole." Then I called Asshole #2: "Hello?" he said "Hello Asshole," I said. He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" I said. "I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed. I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. "I'm coming over right now" Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th St. There, I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew. Now, I feel better. Listen when someone speaks....just might be a lesson you can use one day

[ehsnils]

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight

from London. After the plane was airborne,

drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey,

which was promptly brought and placed before him.

 

 

 

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would

like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be

savagely raped by a dozen whores

than let liquor touch my lips."

 

 

 

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the

attendant and said, "Me, too,

I didn't know we had a choice."

[Rizzo03]

FINALLY!

 

One of these I find funny!

 

[amptramp]

Dear Tide,

 

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.

 

Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.

 

Well, one thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative.

 

Then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

 

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

 

Well, gotta go -- I have to write to the Hefty Bag people.

 

Your friend,

 

Monica

[jj808]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a ...case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.

 

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.

 

A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of ...face cream and puts it in the basket.

 

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

 

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'

 

HUSBAND DOWN, AISLE 7 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Picky1]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

 

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.

 

"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

 

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

 

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

[ehsnils]

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

 

-----------------------

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

------------------------

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

 

-------------------

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

-----------------

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

----------------------

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

----------------------

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

--------------------

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

-------------------

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

-------------------

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

---------------------

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

---------------------

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

---------------------

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

--------------------

13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

-----------------

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

---------------

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

[ehsnils]

A MESSAGE FROM AMERICA:

 

Dear British Subjects,

 

In light of the blood and treasure the U.S. has expended over the past 70 years to defend the United Kingdom against Nazi Germany’s attacks and the threats of the Soviet Union, and in light of our Constitution’s requirement that we defend only ourselves, we hereby annex the U.K. and incorporate its parts as the 51st through the 53rd states: England, Scotland, and Northern Ireland.

 

Note: Wales will be incorporated into West Virginia where they will be more comfortable.

 

In defense of this action, and to smooth your citizens’ transition to freedom, we offer the following points:

 

1. The Divine Right of Kings ended a few centuries ago. That includes queens, too. Catch up.

 

2. Due to the concept of separation of church and state, the official Church of England is hereby abolished. The twelve people in the U.K. who still attend church may join an already existing denomination or choose to form their own.

 

3. As the royal family is clearly in the top 1% of the top 1% in terms of wealth and property, the U.S. estate tax will be applied to all royal holdings, retroactive to King James I.

 

4. Members of the royal family will be required to start using their last names. This helps to nip inbreeding in the bud, as well as making drivers’ licenses more personalized.

 

5. Royal family members may, if they choose, continue to use their titles, but bear in mind that for Americans, names like Duke, Prince, and Queenie are more often reserved for our dogs.

 

6. The unnecessary insertion of the extraneous letter ‘u’ in such words as ‘honor’ and ‘color’ is hereby deemed officially incorrect. However, as freedom-loving Americans, we tend to allow people to spell words however they wish, so feel free to continue to be incorrect. We’ll hardly notice.

 

7. Windsor Castle will be turned into a free museum to document the atrocities of monarchies around the globe and across time, with an accompanying restaurant and theme park. However, a nice double-wide mobile home in Crown Heights, Kansas, has Ms. Elizabeth’s name on it.

 

8. Each of the newly formed states will be allowed to select two senators and an appropriate number of Representatives to join our legislative bodies.

 

9. Citizens of the U.K. will be allowed complete freedom to retain their unique and funny accents. Americans are all about funny accents. Ask anyone in Boston or Texas.

 

10. The National Health Plan will be replaced by private insurance. Yes, private insurance is expensive, but it does include Dental. Use it.

 

11. The monetary system will be immediately converted to the ‘metric’ dollar system. It’s easy to remember: dollars are for saving, pounds are for losing.

 

12. There will be a gradual transition of vehicles to the right side of the road. This is too major a change to expect wrong-sided drivers to make overnight. Therefore, on day one, all semi-tractor/trailers and commercial cargo vehicles will change to the right side of the road first. On day two, any remaining passenger cars and motorcycles will move to the right. The good news is that survivors will be able to buy gas for about $3.00 a gallon. The savings can be used to pay for your private health insurance. With dental.

 

13. Additional language changes that are required: Bonnets are worn by little old ladies. Boots are worn by young, fashionable ladies and Texas men.

 

14. On July 4th, Independence Day, in addition to hamburgers, potato salad, and fireworks, Americans will also celebrate by riding horseback through the streets of London, calling out, “The British are leaving, the British are leaving.”

 

15. Only football will be called football. Soccer will be called soccer, and rugby will be called men’s field hockey. Rugby players will be required to wear full pads and helmets from now on due to the potential liability from injury lawsuits.

 

16. British chips…well, okay. You have us there. McDonald’s will be required to replace their French fries with your chips, but they will be called Freedom Fries from now on.

 

17. Beer. Yeah, that too. At least until we annex Germany.

 

18. We drink coffee in the morning and Coke in the afternoon. Tea may be served with supper, but it’s served over ice and preferably sweetened with a half cup of sugar. Get over it. We’re adopting your beer.

 

19. If you call it a biscuit, the waitress will put gravy on it. Just so you know.

[BoozeRS05]

http://img.memecdn.com/joke_o_553906.jpg

[ehsnils]

Werner Heisenberg got pulled over for speeding.

 

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

 

Heisenberg: No, officer.

 

Cop: I clocked you going exactly 100 miles per hour.

 

Heisenberg: Thanks a lot, now I'm lost!

[jj808]

Oh, nerd humor! Yea... I did get it. F*ck.

[SBT]

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

 

 

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister in-law.

 

 

I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”

 

 

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

 

 

“I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”

[amptramp]

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

 

My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 185 lbs. I've gained.

 

I'm getting kind of tired always slowly raising my hand when someone asks, "Who does something like that?!?"

 

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is all I need.....not all this, "how did you get in my house" business!

 

I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."

 

What is it about a car that makes people think we can't see them pick their nose?

 

When I die I want to be reincarnated as a spider. Just so I can finally hear a woman say "Oh my God, it's huge!"

[ehsnils]

A man came across a lady standing on the railing of a bridge. He asked her if she was going to jump.

She replied "yes. I'm going to kill myself" !!!

The man then asked her if he could have sex with her before she jumped.

She replied "you're sick !! get away from me you sicko" !!!

 

He then said,... "that's o.k., I'll just go down below & wait !!

[ehsnils]

A wealthy businessman had a call from his lawyer, who had good and bad news. He said, The good news is, your wife just acquired some pictures that she says are worth at least 2 million dollars. The bad news is that they are pictures of you and your secretary.

[SBT]

AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.

AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"

 

 

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO,... I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

 

 

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

 

 

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF --STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

 

 

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.

 

 

 

THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

 

 

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.

 

 

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"

 

 

THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.

 

 

THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:

1 - Never be arrogant.

2 - Don't waste ammunition.

3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.

4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.

5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid.

[ehsnils]

This guy was not feeling well and went to the doctor for a checkup. They ran a whole lot of tests and called him back in a few days later. The doctor had a big stack of lab reports and said, "Well, we found out what you've got. You've got AIDS, herpes, tuberculosis, mononucleosis, hepatitis A, B, and C, and beri-beri."

"Holy cow, doc! Is there anything you can do for me?"

"Yes, we are going to put you in the hospital and put you on a diet of flounder and pancakes."

"Flounder and pancakes? And this will cure me?"

"Oh, no, but that is flat stuff that we can slide under the door."

[Silinc3r]

It's not Friday-- go!!

[ehsnils]

The native American Indians here are great predictors of weather...hence the old story...

 

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

 

Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught he old secrets.

 

When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

 

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

 

But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

 

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

 

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

 

A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

 

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

 

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

 

Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

 

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

 

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

 

The weatherman replied, "We're sure it's going to be cold because the Indians are collecting firewood like crazy!"

[ehsnils]

Men Teaching Classes for Women at

THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

 

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED

By November 29, 2015

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL

OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM .

 

Class 1

Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat

Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.

Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs. beginning at 7:00 PM..

 

Class 2

Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?

Round Table Discussion.

Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00for 2 hours.

 

Class 3

Is It Possible To Drive Past a WalMart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.

Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

 

Class 4

Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.

Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

 

Class 5

Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?

Examples on Video.

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning

At 7:00 PM

 

Class 6

How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program

Help Line Support and Support Groups.

Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

 

Class 7

Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?

Open Forum ..

Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

 

Class 8

Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!

Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

 

Class 9

I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.

Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

 

Class 10

How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.

Driving Simulations.

4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11

Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield .

Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

 

Class 12

How to Shop by Yourself.

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

[Scooby Fan]

I

n the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he’s my right-hand man, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, Sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."

Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to f#ck off!!!"