Friday Funny jokes- GO!

[jj808]

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

 

His first friend says, “I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.”

 

His second friend says, “I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”

 

Paddy says, “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.”

 

Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

 

“No, I’m serious,” Paddy says. “The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.”

[stm25rs]

A woman is in a coma and the nurse tending to her notices that whenever she is sponge bathing the woman, the woman’s vital signs jump a little on all of the machines an screens.

 

So the nurse calls the husband and says ’come down to the hospital, I think I know how to get your wife out of this coma.’ So the husband hurries down, and asks the nurse what he can do. The nurse says, ’I think that oral sex will arouse her enough to bring her out of the coma.’

 

So the nurse closes the cutains, and leaves the husband with his wife in the room. Moments later, the man comes running out of the room, flustered. The nurse, worried, asks him what happened. The husband says, ’I don’t know, I think that she started choking.’

[700watts]

[ehsnils]

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer

the pubs back home In Glasgow , there's a wee place

called McTavish's.... The landlord goes out of his way

for the locals. When you buy four drinks,

he'll buy the fifth drink."

 

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in

London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your

third drink after you buy the first two."

 

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman.

"Back home in me favorite pub in Galway , the moment

you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then

another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when

you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and

see dat you get laid, all on the house!"

 

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the

claims. "Did this actually happen to you?"

 

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman,

"but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

[amptramp]

Dear Ma and Pa,

 

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

 

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late… Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

 

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

 

We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

 

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

 

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

 

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Sapulpa. I only beat him once... He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

 

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

 

Your loving daughter,

Alice

[wonka]

A woman is in a coma and the nurse tending to her notices that whenever she is sponge bathing the woman, the woman’s vital signs jump a little on all of the machines an screens.

 

So the nurse calls the husband and says ’come down to the hospital, I think I know how to get your wife out of this coma.’ So the husband hurries down, and asks the nurse what he can do. The nurse says, ’I think that oral sex will arouse her enough to bring her out of the coma.’

 

So the nurse closes the cutains, and leaves the husband with his wife in the room. Moments later, the man comes running out of the room, flustered. The nurse, worried, asks him what happened. The husband says, ’I don’t know, I think that she started choking.’

 

Reminds me of Shameless (US version)

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uoEd39l1QvM]Shameless 03x10 - "I Found Cure to Comas" - YouTube[/ame]

[amptramp]

Florida woman stops alligator attack with a small Beretta pistol .

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

 

A Beretta Jetfire testimonial...Here is her story in her own words:

 

While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside of 'The Villages' with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open.

 

She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.

 

If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!

 

Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took...

 

The 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

 

It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible.

[jkaszynski]

http://www.worthytoshare.com/wp-content/uploads/7b0de01c0c773cf25f0550eb9a6241ce.600x.jpg

[jj808]

A man has not been feeling well and goes to the doctor for a check up. After the physical examination and a battery of blood tests and x-rays, he asks the doctor about his situation.

The doctor replies, "You are very sick. You might not live longer than perhaps three or four months."

The man, in despair, yet, with a glimpse of hope says, "If you don't mind, doctor, I would like to have a second opinion."

"Okay," the doctor answers, "you are ugly, too!"

[jj808]

A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy. When he wakes up he's surrounded by several anxious looking doctors and asks nervously "Is there a problem?"The head surgeon says gently, with tears in his eyes "I'm afraid so...I'm sorry but your notes got mixed up and we've given you a sex change rather than a vasectomy"

The patient is devastated and shockingly replies "Do you mean to say I'll never experience another erection"

The surgeon pauses for a moment then says "Well, you might, but it won't be yours."

[ehsnils]

God visited a woman and told her she must give

up smoking, drinking and

sex if she want​ed​ to get into heaven.

 

The woman said she would try her best.

 

God visited the woman a week later

to see how she was getting on.

"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up

smoking and drinking but then I

bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend

caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt,

pulled my panties to one side and made

love to me right then and there."

 

They don't like that in heaven, said God.

 

The woman replied: "They're not too

happy about it in Costco either!

[ehsnils]

PERKS OF GETTING OLD

 

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

 

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

 

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

 

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

 

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

 

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

 

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

 

8. You can eat supper at 5 PM.

 

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

 

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

 

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

 

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

 

13. You sing along with elevator music.

 

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

 

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

 

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

 

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

 

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

 

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

 

20. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

 

Show this to everyone you can remember right now!

 

And remember, never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same day

[ehsnils]

http://www.bedug.com/pics/Fun3/aQ4VyWd_700b.jpg

[jj808]

http://img-9gag-fun.9cache.com/photo/ap08gjp_460s.jpg

[ehsnils]

You're An EXTREME Redneck When...

 

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at

the dinner table; in front of her kids.

 

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and

down depending on how much gas is in it.

 

3. You've been married three times and still have

the same in-laws.

 

4. You think a woman who is out of your league

bowls on a different night.

 

5. You wonder how service stations keep their

rest-rooms so clean.

 

6. Someone in your family died right after saying,

'Hey, guys, watch this.'

 

7. You think Dom Perpignan is a Mafia leader.

 

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

 

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

 

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner

are 'Gentlemen, start your engines.'

 

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded;

right off its wheels.

 

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more

teeth than your spouse.

 

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

 

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

 

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get

a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

 

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because

there's a law against it.

 

17. You think loading the dishwasher means

getting your wife drunk.

[ehsnils]

Lawyer Joke

 

Lawyer dies and finds himself at the pearly gates. He is shown to the angel on duty, who has the Big Book that lists everyone's life.

 

The lawyer is curious as to what he died of, and asks the angel, who replies "Old age".

 

The lawyer is indignant. "All my life I ate a very good diet, exercised an hour every day, didn't smoke, drink, use drugs or mess around. At my last checkup my doctor said I was in perfect health - for someone 15 years younger! Most of all, I'm only 45 - how could I have died of "old age"??"

 

The angel on duty checks out these claims in the Big Book and finds they are all true. He is puzzled for a moment - but then solves the mystery, and explains to the lawyer:

 

"Yes, according to the calendar you're only 45. But according to your billable hours you're 103."

[Picky1]

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the

priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided

to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

 

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back,

I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat.

I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew

he came to church every Sunday.

 

I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass

and figured he would leave it in the back of church.

So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

 

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal

McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

 

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten

Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat

after all."

 

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said,

"After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would

rather do without your hat than burn in Eternity?"

 

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou

Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' I remembered where I left me hat."

[ehsnils]

http://www.bedug.com/pics/Fun3/ae0zPbQ_460s.jpg

[ehsnils]

On a crowded train, traveling somewhere in

Europe, a U.S. Marine walked the entire length

of the train looking for a seat before realizing that

the only seat available was currently occupied by

a well-dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle.

 

The weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that

seat?" The French woman just sniffed, and said to

no one in particular, "Americans are so rude.

My little Fifi is using that seat."

 

The Marine walked the entire length of the train

again, and discovered that the only seat available

was in fact the onecurrently being occupied by

the poodle.

 

Trudging tiredly back, the marine arrived once

more before the French woman and said, "Please

Ma'am, may I sit down? I'm very tired?"

 

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude,

you are also arrogant. Why should I care if you

are tired?" This time, the Marine didn't say a word,

but simply picked up he little dog, tossed it out the

train window, then sat down. The woman shrieked,

"Someone, defend my honour! This American

needs to be put in his place!"

 

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up,

"Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for

doing the wrong thing. You hold your fork in the

wrong hand, and you drive your cars on the wrong

side of the road. And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown

the wrong bitch out the window."

[Scooby Fan]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Melbourne, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

 

 

You may visit this store

ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

 

 

 

 

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

 

 

 

 

Floor 1

- These men Have Jobs

 

 

 

 

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

 

 

 

 

Floor 2

- These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

 

 

 

 

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

 

 

 

 

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

 

 

 

 

Floor 3

- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

 

 

 

 

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

 

 

 

 

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

 

 

 

 

Floor 4

- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

 

 

 

 

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

 

 

 

 

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

 

 

 

 

Floor 5

- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

 

 

 

 

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the

sixth floor

, where the sign reads:

 

 

 

 

Floor 6

- You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

 

 

 

 

PLEASE NOTE:

 

 

 

 

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

 

 

 

 

The

first floor

has

wives that love sex.

 

 

 

 

The

second floor

has wives that love sex and have money and like beer

 

 

 

 

The

third, fourth, fifth

and

sixth

floors

have never been visited.

 

:lol:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[ehsnils]

http://www.bedug.com/pics/Fun3/aE19oWM_460s.jpg

[amptramp]

Sven and Ole worked together in a Nordern Visconsin factory…..and both were

laid off. So...dey went to the Unemployment Office... togedder.

 

Asked his occupation, Ole said, "Panty Stitcher.. I sew da elastic onto

da ladies cotton panties."

 

The clerk looked up Panty Stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled

labor, she gave Ole $300 a week in unemployment compensation.

Sven, when asked his occupation replied, "Diesel Fitter".

 

The clerk looked up Diesel Fitter...and it was classified as a skilled

job. So, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week in unemployment compensation.

 

When Ole found this out, he was furious! He stormed back into the office

to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his benefits.

 

The clerk explained, "Panty Stitchers are unskilled labor and Diesel

Fitters are skilled labor."

 

"Vat skill? yelled Ole. "I sew da elastic on da panties.

Sven puts dem over his head and says, "Yah, ------------- DIESEL FITTER".

[ehsnils]

After a meeting several days ago,

I couldn't find my keys. I quickly gave myself a

personal "TSA Pat Down." They weren't in my pockets.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.

Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.

Mrs. Woodsterman has scolded me many

times for leaving my keys in the car's

ignition. She's afraid that the car

could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I

realized she was right. The parking lot was empty. I

immediately called the police. I gave them my location,

confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it

had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult

call of all to my wife: "I left my keys in the car

and it's been stolen." There was a moment of silence. I

thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard her

voice. "Are you kidding me?" She barked, "I dropped you

off!" Now it was my turn to be silent.

Embarrassed, I said, "Well,

come and get me." She retorted, "I will, as

soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your

damn car!"

 

Welcome to the golden years..............

[golf483]

Sex On Mars ;

 

The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating

enough Frequent Flier miles.

 

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

 

Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers,

how they make money, etc.

 

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

 

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

 

The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

 

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for

the night and experience one another... Maureen and the male Martian go off

to a bedroom where the Martian strips.. He's got only a teeny,weenie member

about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

 

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen..

 

'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'

 

'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'

 

'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.

With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite

impressively long.

 

'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'

 

'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his

member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely

exciting to the woman.

 

'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

 

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their

separate ways.

 

As they walked along, Charlie asks, 'Well, was it any good?'

 

'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'

 

'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache ... She kept

slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'

[stm25rs]

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing.

 

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

 

Sergeant: What is her height?

 

Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

 

Sergeant: Weight?

 

Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

 

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

 

Husband: Never noticed.

 

Sergeant: Color of hair?

 

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

 

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

 

Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.

 

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

 

Husband: She went in my truck.

 

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

 

Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. My wife put a small scratch on the drivers door.

 

At this point the husband started choking up.

 

Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.