Scooby Fan Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 Finally all is explained!!! Of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be the best -- because it makes football make sense! A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wonka Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 http://www.soveryfunny.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/just_taking_care_of_business.jpg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Picky1 Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 The Pope flew into NYC to address the UN. His limo driver takes off and the Pope needs him to go faster in order to make it to the meeting on time. The Pope is not happy with the limo driver and tells him to pull over so the Pope can drive. They take off again with the Pope behind the wheel and the limo is stopped by the Police for speeding. The cop takes one look at the situation and radios to headquarters. He tells the Chief he's got a pretty important person on his hands. The chief asks, "Is he more important than the mayor?" Cop says yes. Chief asks, “Is he more important than the governor?" Cop says yes. Chief asks, "Is he more important than the President?" Cop says yes. Chief asks "How important can he be?” Cop says, "I don't know, but he's got the Pope for a driver! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
700watts Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rizzo03 Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Picky1 Posted February 13, 2015 Share Posted February 13, 2015 Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?' When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. 'God Almighty!' shouted Susie. The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class. A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?' But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt. 'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie. And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep. The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?' Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll break it in Half!' The nun fainted! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ehsnils Posted February 13, 2015 Share Posted February 13, 2015 The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him. IRS AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them." Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of fine Barbados Rum and a dozen Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally." IRS AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to -- the mentally challenged one." Boat Owner: "That would be me. What would you like to know?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scooby Fan Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 Shortest ever Irish joke............ So 2 Irishmen walk out of a bar....:lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scooby Fan Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 INTERESTING OBSERVATION 1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL. 2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING. 3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL. 4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL. 5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS. And... 6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF. THE amazing facts are, The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become. There must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stm25rs Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, 'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, 'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.' The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it.' She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question; 'Do you have vagina'? 'Yes, actually I have one,' she says. The man replies.. 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ehsnils Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 http://www.xdtalk.com/attachments/image-jpg.32614/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wonka Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 A large group of ISIS fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune. "One Marine is better than 10 ISIS fighters". The ISIS commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the dune where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes. Then silence. The voice once again calls out: "One Marine is better than 100 ISIS S.O.B.'s ". Furious, the ISIS commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The voice calls out again: "One Marine is better than 1,000 ISIS fighters." The enraged ISIS commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought ... then silence. Eventually, one badly wounded ISIS fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men ... it's a trap. There's 2 of them." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jj808 Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 http://i.imgur.com/EDgCrVm.jpg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ehsnils Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 Florida “A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing,” he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding – a reason I’ve never before heard – I’ll let you go..” The old gentleman paused then said, “Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.” “Have a good day, Sir,” replied the trooper. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jj808 Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 http://hugelolcdn.com/i460/329589.jpg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
700watts Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ehsnils Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 http://img.izismile.com/img/img8/20150324/640/getting_a_sperm_sample_is_easier_said_than_done_640_02.jpg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amptramp Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 In a convent in Ireland , the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The Nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail Nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop. As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader. "Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us" She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said: " "DON'T SELL THAT COW." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ehsnils Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer." Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wonka Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 Guy goes into a bar, there’s a robot bartender. The robot says, “What will you have?” The guy says, “Martini.” The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, “What’s your IQ?” The guy says, “168.” The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology. The guy leaves, but he is curious… So he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says, “What will you have?” The guy says, “Martini.” Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says, “What’s your IQ?” The guy says, “100.” The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors. The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, “What will you have?” The guy says, “Martini,” and the robot brings him another great martini. The robot then says, “What’s your IQ?” The guy says, “Uh, about 50.” The robot leans in real close and says, “So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nickup1 Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 Ah yes, political jokes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wonka Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 Ah yes, political jokes. Just a joke, I'm not conservative or anything. But I do find it funny how many jokes offend people on this forum, truly amazing. They are just jokes people, no one cares who you voted for... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jj808 Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 Q: What goes vroom, screech, vroom, screech, vroom, screech? A: A blonde going through a flashing red light. Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard? A: Grade four. Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance? A: 144 blondes. Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist? A: "Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?" Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater? A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter". Q: Why won't they hire a blonde pharmacist? A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters. Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?" A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jj808 Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father." The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that." The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many." The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grand children and he doesn't wear his collar that way." The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jj808 Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 Why isn't there democracy in North Korea? Because every time they try to pronounce "election" everyone starts to giggle. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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