Lawyer Jokes

[ehsnils]

• There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those who know the judge
  
• Hear about the lady lawyer that dropped her briefs and became a solicitor
  
• The trouble with the legal profession is that 98% of its members give the rest a bad name
  
• It was so cold one February day in Aberdeen that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets!
  
• A man is innocent until proven broke
  
• Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal
  
• People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either being made
  

 

Why do lawyers wear tight ties?

So their foreskin doesn't creep up and cover their face.

 

What's the difference between a dead lawyer on a street and a dead dog on the street?

There are skid marks in front of the dog.

 

What's black and brown and look great on lawyers?

Dobermans

 

What's the difference between a Rooster and a Lawyer?

A rooster clucks defiance.

 

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

One in 50,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

 

Why does the American Bar Association prohibit sex between attorneys and their clients?

To prevent the client for being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.

 

Why do they bury lawyers 27 feet under?

'Cuz deep, deep down, they're good people!

 

What's the difference between a Catfish and a lawyer?

One is a scum sucking bottom dweller, and the other is a fish.

 

Why does California have the most lawyers and New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?

New Jersey had first pick.

 

How can you tell when a lawyer is well hung?

When you can't get your finger between the noose and his neck.

 

What the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

The prostitute quits after you're dead!

 

What's the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

 

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

Their lips move.

 

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

Cut the rope.

 

How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?

Take your foot off it's head

 

What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?

The bucket.

 

What's the difference between a lawyer and a duck?

Occasionally a duck will stick its bill up its ass.

 

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?

It might be your bicycle.

 

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they'd rather keep their clients in the dark

 

What do lawyers use as contraceptives?

Their personalities.

 

How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving train?

Never enough.

 

If one useless man is called a disgrace, what are two useless men called?

A law firm.

 

What's the difference between God and a lawyer?

God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

 

What's the ideal weight of a lawyer?

About three pounds, including the urn.

 

What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

 

What's wrong with Lawyer jokes?

Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes

What's the difference between a lawyer and a computer nerd? Sooner or later everyone needs a lawyer

[goneskiian]

:lol:

 

I think you've got all the ones I've heard!

[underpowerd]

what do you call... a thousand lawyers... buried... up to their necks... in sand?

not enough sand.

-- C. Walken (Poolhall Junkies)

[KartRacerBoy]

Thanks nils!