KTM 525 Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 We've all been there but don't like to admit it. > >We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing > >down below. > >As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is > >inevitable. > > > >For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for > >taking a dump at work. > > > >CROP DUSTING > > > >When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in > >your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came > >from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been > >expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants. > > > >FLY BY > > > >The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. > >Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, > >leave and come > >back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. > >People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the > >bathroom. > > > >ESCAPEE > > > >A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop > >in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. > >If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not > >happen. > >If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not > >hear it. > >No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a > >joke > >or > >laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. > > > >JAILBREAK > > > >When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. > >This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should > >happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the > >bathroom to > >spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. > > > >COURTESY FLUSH > > > >The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. > >This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. > >This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. > > > >WALK OF SHAME > > > >Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just > >stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone > >walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell > >does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH. > > > >OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER > > > >A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often > >see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or > >magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The > >Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom. > > > >THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) > > > >A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping > >goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the where > >abouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS. > > > >SAFE HAVENS > > > >A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least > >expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. > >This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom. > > > >TURD BURGLAR > > > >Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to > >force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable > >moments > >that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the > >stall > >until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable > >eye > >contact. > > > >CAMO-COUGH > > > >A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you > >are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert > >potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an > >ASTAIRE. > > > >ASTAIRE > > > >A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that > >you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is > >occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the > >pooper can poop in peace. > > > >WATERMELON > > > >A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is > >also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a > >diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. > > > >HAVANA OMELET > > > >A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet > >water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an > >ASTAIRE. > > > >UNCLE TED > > > >A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended > >lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted > >makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait > >to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other > >bathroom attendees. > > Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.