Female Hair Removal

[pacbreak gt]

My wife found this on one of her forums. It's long, but has a killer payoff.

 

 

The first thing you should know is that hair removal is not my friend.

The particular talent of removing unwanted hair has eluded me and - dare I

say - become both my identifying trademark and downfall.

 

All methods have tricked me with their promises of easy, painless removal -

the Epilady, the standard razor, the scissors, the Nair, the EpilStop, and

now . . . The Wax. My night began as any other normal weekday night. I came

home from work, fixed dinner for my son and we played for a while. I then

had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next couple

hours:

 

Maybe I should use that wax in my medicine cabinet. I set up my boy

with a video and head to the site of my demise,um, I mean bathroom.

 

It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just

rub the clear strips in your hand, peel them apart, press it on your leg (or

wherever) and ignore the frantically rising crescendo of string instruments

in the background. No muss, no fuss. How hard can this be?

 

I mean, I'm not the girly-est of girls but I'm mechanically inclined so

maybe I can figure out how this works. You'd think.

So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other,

stuck together. I'm supposed to rub it in my hand to warm and soften the wax

(I'm guessing). I go one better: I pull out the hair dryer and heat the SOB

to ten thousand degrees. Cold wax, my a$$. (Oh, how that phrase will come

back to haunt me.) I lay the strip across my thigh.

 

I hold the skin around it and pull. OK, so it wasn't the best feeling in

the world, but it wasn't bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer

eludes me! I am Sheera, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth

skin extraordinaire! With my next wax strip, I move north.

 

After checking on the boy and verifying that he was, in fact, becoming one

with Bear and learning all about smells, I sneak into the bathroom for The

Ultimate Hair Fighting Championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on

the toilet. Using the same procedure, I then apply the wax strip across the

right side on my bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and

stretching up into the inside of the right a$$ cheek.

(Yeah, it was a long strip.) I inhale deeply. I brace myself.

 

RRRIIIIPPP!!!!

 

I'm blind! Blind from the pain!

Vision returning. Oh crap. I've managed to pull off half an inch of the

strip. Another deep breath. And RIIIP! Everything is swirly and tie-dyed?

 

Do I hear crashing drums? OK, coming back to normal again. I want to see my

trophy - my wax covered pelt that caused me so much agony. I want to revel

in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold the wax strip like

an Olympic gold medallist. But why is there no hair on it? Why is the wax

mostly gone? Where could the wax go, if not on the strip?

 

Slowly, I eased my head down, my foot still perched on the toilet. I see

hair - the hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I feel. I am touching

wax. I look to the ceiling and silently shout "nooooooo!!" And realize I

have just begun living my own personal version of "The Tar Baby."

 

I peel my fingers off the softest, most sensitive part of my body that is

now covered in cold wax and matted hair, and make the next big mistake - up

until this point, you'll remember, I've had my foot on the toilet.

 

I know I need to move, to do something. So I put my foot down on the floor.

And then I hear the slamming of the cell door.

Vagina? Sealed shut. A$$? Sealed shut.

 

A little voice in my head says "I hope you don't have to crap anytime soon.

Your head just might pop off." I penguin walk around the bathroom trying

desperately to figure out what I should do next. Hot water! Hot water melts

wax! I'll run the hottest water I can stand and get in - the wax should melt

and I can gently wipe it away, right? Wrong. I get in the tub - the water

is slightly hotter than is used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize

surgical equipment. And I sit........

Now the only thing worse than having your goodies glued together is

having them glued together and then glued to the bottomof a tub. In scalding

hot water. Which, by the way, does not melt the cold wax. So now I'm stuck

to the tub.

 

I call my friend, 'C', because she once dropped out of beauty school so

surely she has some secret knowledge or trick to get wax off skin. It's

never good to start a conversation with "So my a$$ and ---- are stuck to

the tub."

 

She doesn't have a trick. She does her best to suppress laughter. She wants

to know exactly where the wax is ... on the a$$ - "Are we talking cheek or

hole, here?" she asks.

 

She isn't even trying to hide the giggles now. I give her the run-down of

the entire night. She tells me to call the number on the side of the box,

but to have a good cover story for where the wax actually is.

 

"You know that if we were working the help line at XX Wax Co.and somebody

called with their entire crack sealed shut we'd just put them on hold then

record the conversation for everyone we know. You're going to end up on a

radio show or the internet if you tell them the truth."

 

While we go through various solutions, I have resorted to scraping the wax

off with a razor. Boy, nothing feels better to the girly goodies than

covering them in wax, sticking them to a tub in super hot water and THEN dry

shaving the sticky wax off!

 

In the middle of the conversation (which has inexplicably turned to other

subjects!) I find the little, beautiful saving grace that is the lotion

provided with wax to remove the excess. I rub some in and start

screaming "It's working! It's working!"

 

I get hearty congratulations from 'C' and we hang up. I successfully remove

all the wax and notice, to my dismay, that the hair is still there. So I

shaved the d@mned stuff off. H&ll, I was numb by that point anyway.

 

And then I put the box of wax back in my medicine cabinet. Never know when a

moustache might start to come in. Tonight, I attempt hair dying.

[ADirtyLegacy]

that is funny!!!

 

Kenda

[PGT]

Cliffs: Woman ignores instructions and waxes self shut.

[BoxerGT2.5]

LMAO....I'd be pissed if I was her husband. "You ruined the goods man....WTF?"

[Guest *Jedimaster*]

Cliffs: Woman ignores instructions and waxes self shut.

No shit? I'll hafta read it- I'm thinking peeling open a grilled cheese sandwich...

[red beast]

Cliffs: Woman ignores instructions and waxes clam shut.

 

 

[BoxerGT2.5]

Cliffs: Woman ignores instructions and waxes self shut.

 

 

Waxes self shut can mean alot. If it was her mouth....I don't think anyone would find that to be a bad thing.

 

Amendment to the cliffs: She glued her NaNa and cornhole shut, and then got them stuck to the bottom of a tub.

[Drift Monkey]

Waxes self shut can mean alot. If it was her mouth....I don't think anyone would find that to be a bad thing.

 

Amendment to the cliffs: She glued her NaNa and cornhole shut, and then got them stuck to the bottom of a tub.

Of scolding hot water.

[gtguy]

Threads such as this one should explain why boards such as this one don't have very many female members. Humor is one thing, misogyny is something else altogether.

 

Kevin